Mail bag

Time once again to catch up on the mail. Let’s see what we have here.

Subj: Add up to 4 inches! zxyqbv

Ah, some friendly advice, and absolutely correct. If I keep spending most of my free time at bars drinking, my 33-inch waist will expand to 37 inches. And that would mean I’d have to buy all new clothes, which could get expensive.

I can’t say I remember the person who sent me this friendly reminder, whose name is D1ck Gr(o)wth. I suspect I met Mr. Gr(o)wth at one of the bars where I hang out, and don’t remember him by name because I had been drinking. But he remembered me and sent this e-mail out of concern for my well-being. Nice fellow, that Mr. Gr(o)wth.

Subj: improve your PC paul

Highlighted this message, pressed Delete. There, it’s improved already.

Subj: Black cocks pound white bitches

Now this person is clever. In most states, it’s illegal to hold rooster fights, and it’s illegal to hold dog fights. But rooster vs. dog? Nothing on the books about that! Judging by the subject, the roosters appear to be winning. Perhaps that’s because they’re only allowing female dogs, or bitches, as opponents. Male dogs tend to be more aggressive and might be able to give the roosters a run for their money. I also have to compliment their use of color (white dogs, black roosters) to symbolize good vs. evil. Well done.

Subj: get yuor p1lls hree! no pre.scr1pt(i0ns) nee.ded!

be1ng abel to ord3r p1lls fr(o)m teh 1n,ternet 1s qu1t3 a conv.en!ence. im bsuy @nd d(on)t hvae t1me 2 bee both.ered w1th dcot0r v1s!ts. ph(e)nterem!ne, v1@gra, lev1tr@, th3y hvae 1t @ll. eevn th3 c!alis, wh1ch i msut c0ncl.ude 1s teh w0nd3r dr(u)g th3s3 d@ys, b@sed 0n th3 15,437 e-ma1ls i h@ve r3cveid @b0ut c!alis s0ft t@bs 1n th pas.t w33k.

Subj: Suntrust account suspension in progress

Wow, I didn’t even know I had an account with Suntrust! I really have to stop drinking so much, it’s eroding my memory. The e-mail contained a link to a nice form explaining that there was a problem with my account. So I entered my birth date, social security number, and mother’s maiden name and that cleared it right up. Funny that they never asked for my Suntrust account number though, you think they’d need that to fix the problem. But anyway, it’s corrected now, and apparently I not only opened an account at Suntrust but did a balance transfer, because the balance of my First Tennessee checking account dropped to $1.62 the day after I filled out the form. So I guess I’ll be late paying the rent this month, hope the landlords will understand.

Subj: our spray makes you invisible to red light cameras

So you spray this stuff on your license plate, and then when you run red lights, the cameras can’t get a shot of your number. Would anyone really be STUPID enough to buy this? Hmmmm…(as I take a moment to think back about some of the students I had at the U of M)…oh god, bet this sells in the millions.

Subj: cheating housewife services

Is this like a competitor to Molly Maids or something? If so, I need to give them a call and see if I can get them to come clean my bathroom. The mildew’s getting out of control in there. Maybe these housewives could do some vacuuming too, and some laundry. But then again, if they cheat they might say they vacuumed when they really didn’t. Never mind.

That’ll do it for the mail this week, folks. I’ll be back shortly with more insightful and informative journal entries.