Mail bag

Time once again to read and respond to the mail.

Subj: Your $640,000 lo an
Subj: Your $210,000 lo an
Subj: Your $330,000 lo an
Subj: Your %RND_TOTAL lo an

What I learned from these e-mails: that someone out there doesn’t know how to use their spamming software, and that “loan” is apparently a compound word made up of the shorter words “lo” and “an.” Must be of Hawaiian origin.

Subj: Shoot five times as much

Now this is an appropriate message to send to a Memphian, Memphis being one of the gang capitals of the South. If this e-mail got into the hands of the Gangster Disciples, they’d have a definite advantage over their rivals the Vice Lords. G’s got’s ta know how ta bust a cap with a quickness, know what I’m sayin’?

I have to wonder if e-mail is the best way to reach the target market, though. I mean, yeah, G’s have a lot of disposable income, but they tend to spend it on bling bling, spinner rims fo they rides, gold teethes, and of course, ho’s. I’m not sure how many of them buy computers and get hooked up to the Internet. A better approach might be to print out this e-mail and tape it to sign posts all over Norf Norf Memphris. Anywhere along Chelsea Avenue would probably be good, as would Frayser.

Subj: Lozenges for Sylvester

Sylvester could definitely use some lozenges. You may remember his falsetto voice on the ’70s/’80s hits “You Make Me Feel (Mighty Real)”, “Dance (Disco Heat)”, and “Do You Wanna Funk.” After singing like that on these long songs (“Do You Wanna Funk” is 6-plus minutes) his throat has got to be worn out. Some lozenges would probably be a good idea. Don’t know why they’re mailing this to me, though, I never met the guy. Perhaps they know I like disco and figure maybe I have a connection to him.

Haven’t heard any of Sylvester’s songs in years, although I’m pretty sure there are a few bars in Midtown where he’s on heavy rotation in the jukebox, along with Cher and show tunes.

Subj: Re: Have leave do solemn tort

I have a Magnetic Poetry puzzle on my refrigerator, and my 5-year-old neighbor occasionally stops by to play with it. She doesn’t know how to read yet, so she has to ask me what sentences she made. “What’s that say, Paul?” she’ll ask. “Can I the your somewhere,” I’ll tell her.

She’ll realize that doesn’t make sense and try again. “Now what does it say?” she’ll ask. “Like this or is it you are,” I’ll read.

Well, it appears that she now has a computer version of Magnetic Poetry, and somehow has got it hooked up to e-mail. I tell you, it’s amazing what kids can do with computers these days. When I was her age we had Pong and that was about it.

“Tort.” Looks like the lawyers in the building have taught her a new word.

Subj: Exclusive benefits

You know, I have a friend/former student who I’m trying to convert into a “friend with benefits.” She doesn’t seem to be getting with the program though. “I’m only going to have two drinks and that’s it – I don’t want to do anything I regret.” That sucks!

So when I saw this e-mail, I hoped maybe she was finally beginning to see the light. But it wasn’t from her – it was from someone named Arturo. I really don’t think I’m interested in Arturo’s “benefits.” Perhaps he’d have better luck shopping his “benefits” around at bars in Midtown that play Sylvester, Cher, and show tunes on the jukebox.

Subj: Viagg-ra is lousy gK

Your spelling is lousy too. gK

Subj: Become one of the low rates

Now here is new-age philosophy at its finest. It’s not enough to go out and get a low rate on your m0rt;gage. You have to BECOME the low rate. You have to step into it, abandon yourself and experience first-hand what it’s like to be a low rate. A few minutes ago I put myself in deep trance, stepped out of my body and experienced what it was like to be a 3.99% APR. And let me tell you, it was one of the most fulfilling experiences of my life. Now that I’ve stepped back into physical reality, I can’t wait to go out and get a m0rt;gage on a ridiculously-overpriced downtown condo.

And that’ll do it for the mail this time. Time to head up to the roof for some vino.