I’m a plus-sized girl, but just barely

Tonight after work I drove to Wolfchase Galleria to shop for Halloween. Since I plan on being a Flying Saucer Beer Goddess next Friday, I needed to pick up a miniskirt and some thigh-high stockings. Now, the best place to shop for those is Hot Topic, but since my waist is a little larger than the average Saucer waitress, I decided to go to Torrid, which is the Hot Topic for big girls.

I explained to the sales clerk what I was trying to do. She laughed and thought that was a great costume. She started to show me some Catholic school-girl plaid miniskirts, but I wanted all an all-black outfit. So she picked out a black miniskirt, and looked me over. “You’re probably a size 16 or 18,” she said, and handed me one of each to try on in the dressing room.

The 16 was so loose that it practically fell off me. I didn’t even try the 18. I brought them back out and she gave me a 14 and a 12 to try on. Even the 12 was loose but it fit. If it hadn’t I would have been out of luck at Torrid, since 12 is the smallest “plus size.”

She picked me out a pair of thigh-highs to match (they have pretty black bows at the top) and rang me up. Here I am trying to save money and I ended up paying fifty-nine bucks for this crap. And I haven’t even bought the Beer Goddess tank top yet (I’ll get that at the Saucer tomorrow or Sunday). Maybe after Halloween is over I can find a plus-sized girl and sell her this junk and get some of my money back.

They wrapped up my purchase and put it in a hot pink Torrid shopping bag. I asked if maybe they had a different bag to carry it in, since I’d have to walk the entire length of the mall to get to my car. They didn’t. I considered hiding it under my shirt, but realized that people might think I was shoplifting if I did that.

Interesting coincidence: On the way home I was listening to the radio and “Arnold Layne” came on. “Arnold Layne” was Pink Floyd’s first single ever, and it’s about a man who likes to dress up in women’s clothing. It was on 98.1’s night show with Alice Cooper as the DJ. Makes sense that a rock star would pick some good music. Anyone who plays Syd-era Pink Floyd is all right in my book.

As I drove home I was thinking, too bad I don’t have any friends who are drag queens. If I did, they could’ve come with me to Torrid to give me fashion advice. I used to have friends who were drag queens, but fell out of touch with them after Red Square closed in ’95.

So, tomorrow I’ll buy the Beer Goddess tank top and my outfit will be complete. I’m sure there will be pictures after next Friday’s party.