Mail bag

337 new messages this morning – I’m getting quite popular! Let’s see what we have in the ol’ Inbox today:

Subj: p(P).-e(E).-n(N).-i(I).-s(S) e(E).-n(N).-l(L).-a(A).-r(R).-g(G).-e(E).-m(M).-e(E).-n(N).-t(T)

Most a(A).-n(N).-n(N).-o(O).-y(Y).-i(I).-n(N).-g(G) message ever.


Subj: Attain all of your goals with our extensive supply of m-e-d-i-c-i-n-e.

I suppose if my goal was to be d-r-u-g-g-e-d up all day long, then this might be worth checking into. But I think most people don’t look at m-e-d-i-c-i-n-e as a way to attain goals. At least not normal people. It would be much more useful to have m-o-n-e-y. This should have been a “Make Money Fast” message.


Subj: Attention all wristwatch addicts!

It’s possible to be addicted to drugs. It’s possible to be addicted to alcohol. It’s possible to be addicted to nicotine. It’s even possible to be addicted to another person. But WRISTWATCHES? I mean, what’s the point? You only have two arms. What are you going to do, wear them on your feet as well?

But, there are all kinds of people in the world, so there probably are some wristwatch addicts. Perhaps they could respond to the previous e-mail and get some m-e-d-i-c-i-n-e to manage their addiction.


Subj: The appearance of success is just a mouse click away


Hey, they were right, I successfully deleted their message.

Subj: Paul – IMPORTANT – please read immediately
From: Marilyn Ryburn

From my mother.


Hope it wasn’t anything important.

Subj: can I ask you a question?

If you live downtown, you hear this all the time – it’s the opening line the bums use when they approach you. Of course, the “question” is always the same – can I have some money.

I guess one of the bums must have used one of the free Internet terminals at the Cossitt Library to send me this message. But, I have to offer a critique. The correct way to phrase it is, “can I aks you a question.” A-K-S. Acceptable alternate spellings are A-X and A-X-E. But never A-S-K. If you’re going to be a bum, you need to know these things.


Too bad the real-life bums don’t have a delete key.

Subj: Impress your co-workers with a genuine immitation R0l3x

Hmmm. There are five other programmers where I work, who have approximately the same job I do, and therefore make approximately what I make. If I show up wearing a “Rolex,” they’re going to wonder how come I can afford one and they can’t. Seems like this would destroy the cohesion and teamwork in my department.


Subj: Obtain the snob appeal with one of our luxury wristwaatches

If there’s one group of people I don’t care about appealing to, it’s snobs.

You know, the first rule of marketing is, know your customer. If these watch vendors had spent 5 or 10 minutes looking at my blog, they would have been able to craft the perfect e-mail to get my attention. Something like

“Impress women in tu;be t0-ps with our luxury waatches”


“Be appealing to r(R).-o(O).-m(M).-a(A).-n(N).-i(I).-a(A).-n(N) girls with our genuine immitation timepieces”

Now those subjects would get my attention.

There is one thing I’m a snob about though – correct spelling. And since the sender thinks there are two a’s in “wristwatches,” he has not obtained the snob appeal with his message.


Subj: What time is it? It’s an excellent time to obtain a timepiece!

These people sure do want me to buy a watch. I have another marketing suggestion. Hire Morris Day, lead singer of The Time, as your spokesman. Run some TV ads with Morris swaggering around in his leopard jacket and his genuine immitation R0l3x, singing “Jungle Love” or “The Bird.”

Of course, it would probably cost more to produce and run a TV ad than it does to spam 100 million Internet users.


Subj: St0x in play
Subj: Small Cap Express
Subj: Stocks in motion
Subj: Will this stock be the next “Super Nova?”
Subj: One of Wall Street’s best kept secrets
Subj: Top portfolio solutions
Subj: High Performance Stock?

I can double my money overnight, if the stock these e-mails are touting moves in price from $0.01 to $0.02 as predicted.


Whew. All this deleting is making me thirsty. Time to go out and drink a b(B).-e(E).-e(E).-r(R).