Sunday, April 1, 2007
Happy Sunday everyone! I’ll start off today’s post with some big news – I’m MOVING!!! It all started last week, when my favorite blogger/MILF wished that she lived in the apartments next to Cordova Huey’s. “How much ass would that kick,” she wrote. I realized she was right – that would kick more than just a bit of ass. So I called the apartments and they had a unit available. How lucky am I! I’ll be moving this week.
These apartments are tha BOMB… you step out on your balcony and Germantown Parkway is RIGHT THERE. Seriously, there’s no better view in the city. The strip malls… the other apartment complexes… the traffic… just breathtaking. It almost makes me want to cry… or is that the smog. I’m surprised the apartment building hasn’t gone condo yet. If it ever does you KNOW I’m buyin’. Yeah, it’s a lot of money to scrape together, but smart homebuyers know that there are things like adjustable-rate mortgages and interest-only mortgages, which make home ownership accessible even to people who can’t afford it. Yay for the kind, benevolent souls in the mortgage industry! Maybe I’ll go with LowerMyBills.com, their ads are all over the Internet so ya know they gotta be legit. They always have “Bad Credit OK” on their ads… maybe I should forward a link to their site to Edmund Ford.
Today’s Sunday, so of course I’ll be doing brunch this morning. Think I’ll go to Bahama Breeze this week, they have the best food in town. Of course, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that I’ll be doing brunch AFTER church. Gotta get my church on! Since it’s staying light outside later these days, I hope to have time for a round of golf after brunch.
Ya wanna hear something that sucks? I heard about a restaurant that has the most unique, fascinating menu I’ve ever seen… but I can’t go there. It’s called “Jillian’s” and you wouldn’t believe some of the things they cook there. They have this item called “cheese sticks” where they dip mozzarella cheese in batter, and then they fry it and give you a tub of SYSCO marinara sauce for dipping! Does that sound yummy or what? They also have these things called “jalapeno poppers” which are jalapeno peppers stuffed with cheese and fried. Truly the chefs at Jillian’s do with a fryer what the great painter Michael Angelo did with a brush and canvas, back when he was alive.
But anyway, even though the menu at Jillian’s sounds all kinds of awesome, I can’t go there because it’s downtown – WAY too dangerous. Ya know, someone got murdered down there once, two or three years ago. I’m sure if I drove down there, I’d get robbed or stabbed at the very least. Jillian’s needs to find a nice spot on G-town Parkway where its customers will feel safe.
Is Wolf Chase Mall not the greatest place EVER? I could shop there seven days a week and never get tired of it. My only small complaint is the clothing they sell at some of the women’s stores – it’s a bit immodest. They’re selling these tank tops held up by only a skimpy pair of spaghetti straps – I mean, what’s next, are they going to get rid of the straps altogether and just have a tube to wear? Heavens to Betsy, what’s the world coming to?
I need to contact fellow blogger Semi-Charmed Kat and find out if it’s too late in the year to join The Grand Krewe of Ptolemy. It costs $300 but that’s a small price to pay for friends… and the Ptolemy folks are SO effin’ cool. Sometimes they’ll throw these theme parties that are SO awesome… last year they had one where everyone dressed up like golf pros and tennis hoes. Are these not the wildest, craziest, funniest, most partying people in town? And I really love their formal coronation events too… there’s nothing I love more than getting dressed up in black tie. And if I’m really lucky, maybe I’ll get my photo in RSVP Magazine… oh my God, can you imagine it, MY photo in the SAME MAGAZINE as 19 photos of Kevin Kane??? Everyone in Memphis would know I’ve just MADE it socially.
AND, Ptolemy throws a lot of their events at the hippest place in Memphis, the University Club. Love me some U-Club. The people at the U-Club are so much fun. My kind of people. If my hero Dick Cheney were a Memphian I bet he’d hang out at the U-Club.
The thing about the UClub is, it’s like an oasis, a little slice of heaven in the otherwise perverted, debauched neighborhood known as Midtown. God… what a sick place THAT is. The entire neighborhood is nothing but a bunch of homos. But what do you expect, after we had 8 years of Bill Clinton. Yeah he balanced the budget, but he flushed America’s moral values down the proverbial sewer in the process.
I tell ya what about Midtown, couple of months ago I was driving down Madison avenue, and I saw this bar called “Boscos,” and I thought to myself, you just KNOW it’s one of THOSE bars. You know, where every item on the menu is really a code word that lets the rest of the bar know what kind of kinky perversion you’re into. Like if you order a golden wheat beer, you’re announcing to everyone that you’re into golden showers. Or, if you order a tossed salad, you’re saying that you like to have your salad tossed. And if for dessert you order a fudge brownie… well, I think we all know what THAT means.
I am SO excited about living out in the ‘Dova. I used to work out there, you know, off Whitten Road. Come to think of it, I should stop by and visit my old company. There was this HOT French girl, wonder if she’s still there. European women are so sexy. Wait, let me clarify that. WESTERN European women are sexy. Eastern European women, on the other hand, look like they fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I remember one time I met some girls from this little backwater country that was called “Rumania” or something like that, and it made me wonder if the Russkies did nuclear testing there in the 80s and it produced some genetic mutations. Those girls were just HIDEOUS.
Tomorrow’s Monday, so I’ll be at the Cordova Flying Saucer for Pint Nite. Not that it matters much to me that it’s Pint Nite though, since I always order Bud bottles. My friends tell me I need to take advantage of the $2.50 drafts to try something new, but I figure, why experiment when you’re already drinking The King of Beers!
Actually, I don’t ALWAYS order Bud bottles at the Saucer… sometimes I like to order a nice glass of chardonnay.
Not that the Saucer is perfect by any means… I mean, bars are a MAN’s world. When I go there I want to watch sports and talk about manly topics with other men. They should fire all those girls that work there – they just get in the way. I’d come in a lot more if they had an all-male staff.
A few days ago I saw the coolest pants ever. This guy was wearing a pair of khakis which were basically like the ones all the guys at the ATO house have on, but they had these little green tennis racket emblems embroidered all over them. How. Awesome. Is. That. I want a pair. OMG OMG OMG WANT THEM WANT THEM WANT THEM. I would be the fashion icon of Cordova with those pants on. If I find them I’ll buy 7 pairs so I can wear them every day.
Well, anyway, that will do it for my post for April 1. I want to make sure I get a good seat at church this morning, so I better get going!