"Soap, Sir?" — bums in the bathroom

This is a rant I’ve been meaning to do for a while. You know what I hate more than ANYTHING in bars and clubs?

Bathroom attendants.

I mean, I go in, do my business, zip up and here’s this dumbass in a tuxedo shirt saying, “Soap, sir?” You know, I really am capable of washing my hands by myself. I know how to use a soap dispenser. I know how to turn the faucet on and off. I know how to use a paper towel dispenser. I really don’t need assistance. But the bathroom attendant is there to give assistance whether it’s wanted or not… and then to point at his tip jar, expecting a dollar.

The service they offer is of no more significance than the bum on the street who hands you a Memphis Flyer and hopes for a tip, or who runs up to you and tried to hold an umbrella over your head for a tip when it’s raining. Bathroom attendants are nothing but bums who are legally authorized to be in the clubs.

Yeah they offer other stuff – a comb, a stick of gum, a condom – but why not just put a vending machine in the bathroom to sell those things, and get rid of the stupid attendant?

Their presence is counterproductive. When I’m in a club that I know has a bathroom attendant, I try to avoid going to the bathroom as much as possible. That means I avoid drinking, since what goes in must come out. That means my tab tends to be a lot, lot less. Also, I’m more likely to choose to go to a club that doesn’t have a bathroom attendant the next time.

And if you see me in a club with a bathroom attendant: I’d advise you not to shake my hand when you come over and say hello. Because I give the attendant the same reaction I’d give a bum, which is to zip by as quickly as possible without saying a word, hygiene be damned.

Of course, this rant is based solely on my experience going to the men’s room. Maybe there are good reasons for having bathroom attendants in the ladies’ room. But I’m not in the habit of going in women’s restrooms, so I can’t speak on that with any degree of experience.

I can think of a few bars and clubs Downtown where a bathroom attendant would fit in perfectly. I won’t name them by name, but just notice which places never get mentioned in my blog, and you have a pretty good idea. Maybe I’ll do a “Places that suck” post one of these days and name them.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Wow. I managed to write about bathroom attendants for NINE PARAGRAPHS. They must be a big deal, or something.

All right. Some administrative notes before I hit Publish:

– People are already asking me, “Where’s the Halloween photo album?” Well, the Halloween party season isn’t over yet – there’s still Wednesday. It’ll probably be up somewhere in the neighborhood of November 1-3. Because I was so into my Beer Goddess character Saturday night, I took very few pictures – I may get with some of the other members of the gang and see if we can merge photo albums.

– Once again I didn’t make it to FreeWorld last night. By about 6:30 I could tell I was wearing down, and decided to hang on until about 9 and then hit Wang’s for Paul’s Drunkass Food. However, the next time I looked at my watch it was 10:55. Oops! FreeWorld was actually on stage by that time over at Blues City, but I was in no condition to go. Knowing that this would be one of my last Sundays not followed by a Monday in an office, I overdid it a little. Well, a lot, actually.

– Had a good time yesterday hanging out with Mikey and the gang on his birthday. He hadn’t seen the “Saturday day recap” post which was a tribute to his Mikeyisms, but he nevertheless managed to use practically every one of them in conversation, even “tree rat.”

– Got an interview for what looks to be an AWESOME job this afternoon… more details later, if it pans out.

– Pint Nite at the Saucer, Downtown Night at the Westin, and Monday Night Football at EP’s tonight.

Outta here. I’d wish everyone a happy Monday, but let’s face it, Monday sucks.