Former Mayor Herenton’s recent actions and public statements have led me to compare his mental state to that of another well-known leader. Therefore, I’d like to offer these predictions if King Willie wins the special election and is re-elected mayor of Memphis:
January 2, 2010: The Mayor’s office will issue a proclamation that Mayor Herenton is to be refered to as the “Dear Leader” of Memphis from this date forward.
January 13, 2010: The Mayor’s office will report that Herenton has the supernatural ability to be in several places at one time. Therefore, he will continue to run for Congress, claiming that he will be able to hold both offices simultaneously. Furthermore, he will petition the school board to remove Dr. Kriner Cash as superintendent and reinstate him, so that he can hold three offices (and be paid three salaries) at the same time.
March 9, 2010: Herenton will install undercover police officers at a variety of positions around the city to keep watch on bloggers who have spoken out against him.
March 15, 2010: The news will report that Herenton routinely hits four holes-in-one in an 18-hole round of golf. (The odds of hitting one hole-in-one in 18 holes are approximately 5,000 to 1.)
April 3, 2010: Unknownst to me, one of the new bartenders at the Saucer is an undercover cop working under Herenton’s orders. When I ask for an extra lime for my Dos Equis Special Lager, she will arrest me for panhandling. I’ll be thrown in jail on $1,000,000 bond with an arraignment date of January 17, 2026.
August 9, 2010: The start of a new school year. Schoolchildren will be required to sing a new song, “No Memphis Without You,” a song specially composed for Mayor Herenton, at the start of every day. Sample lyrics:
Our future and hope depend on you
People’s fate depends on you, Dear Mayor Willie Herenton!
We cannot live without you
Our city cannot exist without you!
September 2010: Visitors to the Brooks Museum report that paintings on the walls are all themed around glorification of the mayor. One typical painting, Roses for Herenton, shows a group of schoolchildren presenting a bouquet of roses to the mayor as they gaze at him in admiration.
May 2011: Crime figures for 2010 show that Memphis now has the crime rate of Washington DC, New Orleans, and Miami combined.
July 20, 2011: A storm with straight-line winds similar to “Hurricane Elvis” damages the city, downing trees, destroying homes and cars, and knocking out power.
July 21, 2011: The Mayor’s office will issue a statement that Mayor Herenton is believed to be able to control the weather based on his mood. Therefore, he must have been unhappy with Memphis the previous day. In order to appease him, a $100-a-plate gala will be organized, and every citizen of Memphis required to attend.
August 13, 2011: The gala will raise $66,965,100. The $65 million that is left over after expenses will be presented as a gift to the mayor.
March 2012: In celebration of Women’s History Month, Herenton’s baby mamas will be held up to the city as examples of all that is good and feminine.
October 2013: The fountain will be removed from Court Square to make room for a 100-foot-tall statue of the mayor. The Lincoln-American Tower and the Porter Building will be razed to give citizens a better view of the statue. Statues of the mayor will also be erected in Overton Park, Audubon Park, and other locations around the city.
2016: A popular news magazine will publish its rankings of “Safest Places to Live.” Memphis will tie with Somalia for dead last.
November 23, 2022: A week after Herenton passes away, the Mayor’s office will issue a proclamation that Herenton has been named “Eternal Mayor” of Memphis. From that point on the position of deputy mayor will be the highest-ranking active executive position in the city.