Happy Shitshow Day

It’s my least favorite day of the year.

Who’s gonna cry uncontrollably all night long?

Who’s gonna projectile vomit?

Who’s gonna shoot a gun out their car window to celebrate?

Who’s gonna start a fight?

Who’s gonna shit their pants?

Who’s gonna get a blow job in the back room?

Who’s gonna tell the doorman he and 14 of his friends should get in free because “I know the dishwasher’s assistant”?

I fucking hate New Year’s Eve. If I could be The Grinch Who Stole NYE I would in a heartbeat.

But we gotta get through it.

I’m wearing my PBR hoodie, shorts, and a red fedora with a white feather that was once worn by a Blind Bear contestant in Queen of the Vine. And sandals, of course. The outfit is a total fuck-you to people who believe you HAVE TO dress up for New Year’s Eve.

By the way, I have a comment about suggested dress on NYE. I’ll save it until later out of respect for friends, though.

One reason I think my friend Butt Slut #1 may be my sista from another mista is that she hates dressing up as much as I do. That’s highly unusual for a woman. The difference is, I don’t have a best friend who may talk me into dressing up. If Butt Slut #1 shows up in a dress I’m gonna laugh at her so hard.

So, my plan for today is to get to Blind Bear at 11 AM and… yeah. Stay there until about 1 AM. I mean, what else is there to do on this stupid day but drink?

Oh! That reminds me. People were asking me how much it costs to get into the Bear tonight. After 7 it’s $25 general admission and $35 to sit at a table. They’ll have wristbands that give you in-and-out privileges.

The Grizzlies have a back-to-back this weekend: They play New Orleans today and Sacramento tomorrow. Both games are at 7 and will be on Bally Sports Southeast.

The Tigers play Tulane on the road tomorrow at 4. That game will be on ESPN.

Time to go laugh at amateurs. Back tomorrow.

A classic quote, NYE party news, and whatever else I can dig up to write about

About 7:30 last night, I was sitting at the bar at Blind Bear, having a perfectly good time watching whatever college bowl games were on.

Then Butt Slut #1 came in and took the seat next to me. She asked the bartender to turn the TV to the Thursday night NFL game that was on. Dallas vs. somebody. I can’t remember who because I simply don’t care about the NFL.

“Do we really have to watch your stupid Cowgirls?” I asked.

That earned me a backhanded chop to the chest that was so hard, it would have made Ric Flair proud.

For the next hour, I struggled not to fall asleep at the bar as the ‘girls ran up and down the field. I was SO bored. Finally, I could take no more of it.

“Hey, butt slut,” I said. (Yes, I actually call her that to her face.) “Can we put ANYTHING else on? Like some cartoons? Some Bugs Bunny?” Bugs was my fav when I was a little kid.

“Bugs Bunny can suck my butthole,” she replied.

OMG she’s such a lady.

So, I normally don’t go out on New Year’s Eve. It’s totally fucking Amateur Night. All the yahoos from other parts of town who don’t go out on a regular basis come out and try WAY TOO HARD. The night rarely lives up to the expectations on NYE. I was gonna stay home and find something to binge-watch. on Peacock+.

But then Jeannette from Blind Bear texted and made it clear she wanted me at her bar’s party.

And it’s nice to be wanted. It’s nice to be loved. And I know that there, I’ll be among family.

Feel free to join me there. Here are the details, pasted from FB:

James & The Ultrasounds 9:30pm-Midnight
Velvetina’s Speakeasy Burlesque 10pm-Midnight
Dj Taz Midnight-3am

Dinner Specials 6pm-11pm
(Not a course set menu, just special and exciting Apps, Soups, Salads, Entrees & Desserts) Champagne Specials 🍾🥂
Hibernation Menu 11pm-2:30am

Party hats & favors included 🥳🤩

Resy.com for dinner reservations before 9pm, Resy.com Event available after 9pm 

View the Bear’s NYE menu

Thanks Jeannette so much for reaching out. As a token of appreciation, I will do the unthinkable and root for your Vols in the Orange Bowl tonight. Clemson is not a hard team to hate, especially if you know some of the people I know.

Also, Jeannette, you just turned your Fedoras, Feathers, & Furs party into a Fedoras, Feathers, Furs, PBR Hoodie, & Shorts party. I don’t dress up for stupid contrived holidays. Although, maybe I’ll meet you halfway and wear a fedora.

Favor to ask my friends who are going to the Bear party: Do not let me get drunk. ESPECIALLY DO NOT LET ME TAKE SHOTS WITH YOU. Because if I’m hammered enough I might try to give Butt Slut #1 a quick peck on the lips at midnight. I don’t want to be the subject of gossip on NYD. I’ve already been the subject of gossip once this week.

One other thing: I DO NOT WEAR PARTY HATS. Nobody better try to put one on me.

Good basketball night last night. The Tigers took care of USF 93-86. The Grizzlies picked up a road win in Toronto 119-106. Sure wish we’d had one of those games on instead of the Dallas Cowgirls.

The Grizz are now 3rd in the West, 1 game back of New Orleans and Denver.

Today is Bacon Day.

The boil water advisory has been lifted.

Six years of the Trumpster’s tax returns have been released.

Sad to hear Chef Tam’s warehouse suffered $90,000 in water damage. Prayers for her and her restaurant team.

Water main ruptures are affecting Memphis hotels during Liberty Bowl week. Not good.

The New Daisy, which used to be one of Memphis’ premier concert venues, will reopen next year.

That’s it. Back tomorrow.

Thursday update

There’s news from Bardog! I’m just gonna copy/paste this.

Bardog beset with sprinkler pipe burst. Opening New Years Eve next. We are getting ready. Easier now to open for a party than to have restaurant ready for regular service since all product has been wasted. $150 open bar. Food buffet with prime rib, filet mignon, shrimp cocktail. 7pm-1:30am. Veuve Clicquot yellow label champagne toast  at midnight. Brunch Sunday will be open and then closed Monday to reevaluate.

Private party limited to 120 people.

Here’s the Eventbrite link to buy tickets.

SHOULD I LET HELL FREEZE OVER? Blind Bear is holding an Orange Bowl watch party Friday at 7. Tennessee vs. Clemson. One night only, should I root for the Vols? Jeannette the owner and her husband Wade have been good to me. It’d be a way to honor our late friend Mac who named his dog after the Vols’ stadium. And my new friend Davis is pretty cool.

Go Hogs! Things got scary but Arkansas took down Kansas in the Liberty Bowl in 3OT.

Tigers basketball vs. USF, FedExForum, 7:00 tonight. TV will be ESPN+.

Grizzlies on the road at Toronto, 6:30 PM, Bally Sports Southeast.

That’s it. Not a very newsy day. Back tomorrow.

No post today, although I am posting to tell you there won’t be a post.

Sorry, people. I stayed out until 3 AM. I am running on fumes right now.

Bardog’s 10 AM crowd is ten million percent more my speed than Blind Bear’s 1 AM crowd, but I have to take what I can get right now, with Bardog closed for repairs.

Latest I hear (through the grapevine, not official channels) is that they’re aiming for a Friday opening date. We shall see. I need some drunk Price Is Right in my life. Bartender Allie Cat and I were Facebook messenging each other as we watched from our homes yesterday:

“I totally judge people who can’t get the wheel to do a complete spin”


“Both of those Showcase contestants made terrible bids. The man is $20,000 low but he’d going to win because the woman went over.” Nineteen thousand for a new car, a trip to Europe, and a new kitchen? C’mon man!

That’s it. I’ll try to do a better post tomorrow. Go Hogs.

Tuesday update #2

The Liberty Bowl parade is this afternoon at 2 on Beale Street. Go Hogs and welcome Jayhawks!

The football Tigers play Utah State in the First Responders Bowl at 2:15 this afternoon. Catch the game on ESPN.

Max’s Sports Bar will open at 2 today for the game.

The Grizzlies are back at home against the Phoenix Suns tonight at 7. Catch the game on Bally Sports Southeast.

Here’s a look at the Piecaken we had for Christmas dessert. Chocolate pecan pie is the bottom layer, eggnog cheesecake is in the middle, red velvet cake on the top layer, topped with cherry pie filling (which made me think of Warrant).

Okay. Just got word Jess is working Local today. Gonna head up there. Back tomorrow.

Street smart

I left Blind Bear about 2:45 this morning. That’s a few hours later than I usually stay out, but I temporarily don’t have Bardog to go to in the morning. So I figured, why not?

As I walked north, a woman in a sports car driving illegally on the Main Street Mall shouted out to me. “Hey babey,” she said. “You so fine. Where you be staying at? You look you need some pussy.”

I kept walking. She parked the car on Gayoso and came running after me. She was clearly a hooker. She started hugging me and grabbing my butt, and seemed to be exploring what pocket my wallet was in. “Don’t you want to go have a good time, babey?”

Did she think I was born yesterday?

Did she really think I didn’t know her male accomplice was waiting with a gun on Gayoso?

I moved to the middle of the well-lit Main Street Mall and said, “NO. STOP GRABBING ME. I’M NOT INTERESTED” loud enough to wake up the residents in the nearby Flats apartments. She realized it was game over and scurried away. I made it home safe and sound and you better believe I kept my eyes wide open.

They come out of the woodwork around this time every year. They prey on people in town for the Liberty Bowl as well as people who go out on Amateur Night (New Year’s Eve). I had my Arkansas sweatshirt on which made me easily mistakable for a tourist.

Be careful out there everyone. If an offer seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Those of you who I’ve warned about parking on Gayoso, now do you understand a little better?

Check back, I’m gonna get a Tuesday news post up sometime before 3 PM.

The happiest place in the world

Note: Dammit. There were supposed to be pics with this post – really good pics – but WordPress is giving me a JSON error when I upload them.

I shouldn’t even be typing this post right now. I should be at Bardog on what is an effective holiday. But they had a ceiling issue. That leaves me no place to hang out until Blind Bear opens at 3. :(

Bardog hopes, last I heard, to reopen tomorrow.

Saturday afternoon I met my friends Randy and Theresa and Butt Slut #1 at Blind Bear. We had a few drinks then R and T and I headed out to Eads where I spent Christmas Eve night.

I wish I could upload a pic of their upstairs bar. It is fabulous. I call it the happiest place in the world. Plenty of spirits and a refrigerator and a big TV and a kick-ass sound system. There’s an adjoining bedroom and bathroom so it’s like I have my own little apartment out there. They have two adorable papillons, Zorro and Bella. Zorro sticks his tongue out more than anyone I’ve ever met (except Butt Slut #1) and looks like Gene Simmons. Bella hates me. Zorro can’t get up the stairs. Then again, I barely can myself.

I slept until about 8 (which for me is late) then started doing the favor of relieving Randy and Theresa’s bar of excess alcohol. I had some Cathead vodka and Monaco cocktails (the blue cans taste like Mountain Dew) and a couple of PBRs. About noon R and T put apps out – shrimp and sausage and 3 kinds of cheese. We hung out at the upstairs bar and watched TV.

Then Randy got a text. “The girls are bringing someone,” he told me. “They say it’s a boy but not an ex.” Oh Lord. I was preparing for a “look what the cat dragged in” situation. You never know with those two.

About 1:40 we heard female voices downstairs. It was Dani and Butt Slut #1 and… Mark who just started bartending at Ben-Yay’s and Blind Bear. One of the gentlest and kindest people I have ever met. I was THRILLED that I’d get to hang out with him for Christmas!

The girls started devouring the apps. It’s the most I’ve ever seen Butt Slut #1 eat, which is not much. I’d guess her at maybe 5’6 1/2″ and 116. Later in the day she made me re-take a pic because she thought she looked fat. Women.

Randy and I were going to put on my disco mix, but we couldn’t find the tracks we wanted, so we let the girls choose. OMG Nineties babies have such horrible taste in music. Love you guys but it’s true.

About 2:30 dinner was served. Delicious beef tenderloin was the main course. For sides we had rolls, green bean casserole (my favorite!), corn casserole, sweet potatoes, and stuffing (R and T are Northerners so we had stuffing, not dressing). Butt Slut #1 requested scalloped potatoes with Boursin cheese. She’s a pain in the ass and a Cowboys fan (sorry to be redundant) but she did used to date a chef so she has pretty fabulous taste in food.

Randy and Theresa had presents for me: A book and a pullover shirt and, most importantly, a Bardog gift card.

So, for years I have been Downtown’s champion chair dancer. What’s that you ask? Someone who dances on a bar seat (or any seat) without their feet touching the floor. After dinner I was sitting in R and T’s living room and I looked over and saw Butt Slut #1 shimmying to some of that horrible crap music she and Dani put on.

And I realized I’d lost my title.

I told her we’d do a dance-off sometime but realistically, it won’t even be close. I have passed the torch.

Here’s the conundrum: I tell people Butt Slut #1 is one of the goofiest people I know. But the more I hang out with her, the more I realize how similar our personalities are. So what does that say about me?

We had an Ole Smoky moonshine sampling: white chocolate strawberry, blackberry & apple (known as blapple at the Blind Bear), butter pecan, and Shine Nog. Damn the butter pecan was really good. Jeannette can we get that?

We also had some Jameson Triple Triple. Really good. I bet that’d pair really well with a Triple Triple cheeseburger from Dyer’s.

The girls drove me back Downtown to the Bear, where Butt Slut #1 said

Fuck this Bear life.
I’m living my butt life.

Gotta give her credit. She owns her persona.

There’s a movie called A Man Called Otto out. A lot of us Downtowners have been watching that movie for years.

Wrestling fans: Peacock has a new documentary: Becoming Ric Flair. Can’t wait to tune in.

Hey Adam, I finally took your suggestion of opening links in a new tab.

Ja Morant unveiled his new Nike shoe yesterday.

MLGW has issued a boil water notice.

Mannheim Steamroller rolls into the Orpheum Thursday.

A Winter Weather Advisory is in effect for Memphis.

All right. That’s it for now. I’ll try to do better about posting this week.

Thursday update

Congratulations to former Memphis Grizzly Pau Gasol, who has been nominated for the pro basketball Hall of Fame.

Long-time readers of this blog will remember me writing about Sunday brunch bartender B-RAD. I first met him at Blind Bear almost 10 years ago, and he’s also worked at Pontotoc Lounge, Silly Goose, and most recently Atomic Rose. He’s one of the best bartenders in the city. And he’s about to have a new Sunday home. B-RAD is excited about what the Thacker-Rhodeses are doing at Ibis (314 S. Main, in the former Pontotoc Lounge space) and wants to be a part of it. His first Sunday is January 1.

I’ll come see you sometime B-RAD. Maybe after football season so I don’t have to look at Rahul in his stupid Chiefs beanie. Just don’t introduce me to any psychos.

Details have been announced for Blind Bear’s 11th birthday party this Friday. DJ Tree at 9, DC the Snapper taking pics 9-11.

It’s National Regifting Day.

MemphisWeather.net Twitter is the social media account to follow today.

OFFICE MANAGERS: Let your staff go at 2 PM today. Don’t put them through the stress of driving through this shit in rush hour.

The Tigers improved to 10-3 with a win over Alabama State last night. Now it’s time for conference play. Next up is USF a week from today.

Excited about Christmas! Once again I am going to my friends Randy and Theresa’s house out in Eads. I’m staying overnight, then Allison and Dani (the butt sluts) are coming over for Christmas dinner. “Beef tenderloin OK?” Randy asked, which is like asking a monkey if bananas are an acceptable dinner option.

Wait, did I just compare myself to a monkey?

It’s too bad the girls’ schedules don’t allow them to stay overnight. R and T’s upstairs bar is a fabulous late-night hangout. And I was prepared to make an offer.

“Let’s flip a coin,” I would have told Dani. “Winner gets a spare bedroom all to themselves. And the loser gets stuck with Allison as a roommate.”

Got to wrap this one up. Randy is making a rare weekday appearance Downtown for Bardog breakfast. Going to introduce him to drunk Price Is Right. Back tomorrow.

Wednesday update

SPECIAL GUEST BARTENDER ALERT: The one and only Amanda “Panda” will be guest bartending at Bardog with Melissa tonight from 5 to 8. Panda was a longtime bartender there for more than 10 years. Love me some Panda.

The Memphis Tigers play Alabama State tonight at 7 at FedExForum. TV coverage will be on ESPN+.

The Grizzlies have fallen to second place in the Western Conference following last night’s loss to Denver. Memphis is 0 games back of Denver in the West, but thanks to last night the Nuggets hold the tiebreaker. The Grizz now head to Phoenix for a game on Friday.

The MemphisWeather.net blog has an update on the Arctic conditions Memphis will experience Thursday-Friday.

If you have a day off over the holidays and are looking for something to do in the morning, come up to Bardog. We have them put The Price Is Right on at 10. Drunk Price Is Right is amazing.

Bob Barker turned 99 last week, by the way.

Ben Yay’s will be open Christmas Eve and Christmas night.

From the DM: Downtown residents, leaders frustrated with crime

Today is National Hamburger Day. Double-double at Dyer’s, baby!

Short on time so I’m going to hit Publish. I’ll have the jar of Vegemite out today. Back tomorrow.

Vegemite review and Tuesday update

I took my jar of Vegemite to Bardog yesterday. It was a gift from two friends who recently got back from Australia. “Allie Cat, I need two pieces of toast,” I told the bartender. “One for me and one for you.”

With great trepidation, I spread the product on. I had heard it was terrible. I posted a pic to Facebook and a local chef commented, “Don’t eat that.” Not a good sign.

The verdict?

Everyone was right! It was indeed terrible! Allie nailed it: “It tastes like a combination of Play-Doh and beef broth.”

Allie and I made a pact that we’d tell everyone Vegemite was good, so they’d come up and ask to try it. I texted several people but got no takers. Doing something I normally don’t believe in – lying – I called it a savory version of Nutella.

I did get a lesson in Female Behavior 101 though. But it’s time to do the news, so we’ll save that for the end of the post.

I have an earthquake app on my phone and this morning I’m getting a bunch of notifications about quakes near Ferndale, California, including a 6+ magnitude one. I hope these aren’t foreshocks of “The Big One.”

One day Memphis will have its own Big One too. And I live in a 16-story building built half in 1904 and half in 1914, before there were earthquake standards.

Grizzlies on national TV alert: Memphis tips off at Denver tonight at 9 on TNT. My friend Shrek who is a TV producer would want me to tell you: If you live in the Memphis market, skip TNT and watch Fish and Brevin and Pete call the game on Bally Sports Southeast instead.

Keep an eye on the forecast… low temps around 6F and wind chills below zero are expected Friday morning.

Today is National Sangria Day.

John Mellencamp is coming to the Orpheum April 24-25. I bet my friend Amy is jumping for joy with excitement.

Today is Bardog’s employee Christmas party. They’ll be closing at 3 PM and reopening at 5 PM. The party will be offsite. I won’t reveal the location, but Aldo takes great care of his people.

Monroe between Main and Second, as well as November 6th St. between Madison and Monroe, will be closed for construction during the first half of January. If you have a reserved spot in the alley, you’ll need to park in the garage.

Silly Goose has dessert now: A blondie brownie topped with Irish whiskey ice cream from Margie’s 901. It’s homemade, topped with caramel sauce.

Yesterday I learned there were Yacht Rock and Dad Rock stations on Pandora.

The Congressional January 6 committee has recommended the Trumpster be prosecuted for multiple crimes for his role in the insurrection. I bet there are a lot of federal prisoners who would hit dat Trump ass.

Okay, it’s time for that Female Behavior 101 lesson.

Sunday morning, my friend Butt Slut #1 told me she’d meet me at Bardog for breakfast on Monday so she could try the Vegemite. By late afternoon Sunday, though, she’d changed her tune. “I’m going to bail on you for breakfast tomorrow, Paul,” she told me, “because I’m mad at you.” And, in fact, she did bail on me.

Can you, dear reader, guess the horrible transgression I committed?

You’re probably thinking, “I guess she finally got tired of being called ‘butt slut’ in public and on a well-read blog.” Wrong. She loves her nickname and understands I don’t use it with even a hint of meanness. Also, her best friend in the whole world calls her that too (and much worse).

Now you’re probably thinking, “Pauly. I know you. You drink a lot of PBR. And she’s an attractive girl. You had a few too many and got creepy with her. I bet you tried to kiss her or grope her, didn’t you?” Wrong again. I don’t do that to women unless I very clearly have their permission.

So you want to hear the awful thing I did?

You’re gonna think I’m a complete asshole when you read it.

I will probably lose the respect of most of my blog readers.

You ready?

Mid-afternoon Sunday, I texted Butt Slut #1 and told her, “Your Dallas Cowboys just lost hahahahaha.”

That’s what pissed her off so much.

She told me later Sunday evening that she wouldn’t have been so mad had I not included “hahahahaha.”

Makes perfect sense, right?

Now I will close this post with the words of a great American philosopher.

Women. You can’t live with ’em…………. (shrugs shoulders)
– Al Bundy