Many of you know that I am not a big fan of Autozone. I don’t have a problem with their stores – which actually do have quality products and helpful employees – but rather their corporate office and their so-called corporate “culture.”
Part of that culture is Uniform Monday, which means that every Monday all the corporate employees dress in the same uniforms the store employees wear. Since I live a few blocks from their HQ, when I walk around at lunchtime, I see lots of people sporting the company red-and-black. And again, when I walk past their headquarters around qutting time (which tends to be about 7 pm for salaried people – the company thinks they OWN you), I see more red and black.
So recently I got to thinking, it wouldn’t be hard to put together my own Autozone uniform and parade around town. An Autozoner’s (yes, they really call themselves that) uniform consists of
Red shirt with the Autozone logo and the person’s name. I see these at thrift stores all the time and could probably pick one up for a few bucks. It may not have my name on it, but who cares?
A name tag. If your name is sewn onto your shirt, isn’t the name tag redundant? Wait, I’m trying to apply logic to corporate America here, my bad. I’m sure I could go to a printing company and get a name tag printed which reads “PAUL RYBURN” and underneath “CUSTOMER SERVICE.” Or perhaps “BILL RYBURN” if I find a “Bill” Autozone shirt at the thrift store.
Black casual slacks. I already own these.
Black POLISHABLE shoes. It’s VERY, VERY, VERY important that the shoes be polishable. Jesus himself will strike you down if the shoes are not polishable. It says so in the Bible. Or, rather, in the Autozone corporate handbook, but same dif if you’re an Autozoner.
A belt. You MUST wear a belt. A few years ago I talked to a guy who worked there. I guess he wore some of those Sansabelt slacks that don’t require one, and his manager pitched a fit. He said his manager turned red in the face, almost purple, and looked like he was about to lose control of his bowels. I got a mental image of the manager standing there yelling, and he gets so wound up that all of the sudden he has a big ol’ juicy BM in his black casual pants. And maybe it would leak out onto his black shoes. His black POLISHABLE shoes. Except, I guess they’d be brown polishable shoes at that point.
So, I’d put on my uniform, an exact replica of the official Autozone uniform. Oh, and then I’d accessorize it with a nice baseball cap that says “LEGALIZE POT NOW” and walk around all over downtown, all day Monday, displaying my company pride.
And that would be my performance art piece.
I suppose I won’t do it, though. Someone might look at the outfit and get the idea that I’m a pothead or a stoner, which I’m not.
Or worse, they might think I work for Autozone.