So ya wanna be a rapping blogger? THIS is how you do it

This is going to be a repost, and I apologize for that, because usually I don’t do those.

But this once, I’m going to do it, for two reasons:

1) This weekend I was surfing MySpace… looking at friends’ pages and friends of friends’ pages, and friends of friends of friends’ pages, and I came across the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life… “The Poopshakes Rap.” A girl had written a rap in her MySpace blog about how her dog digs holes in the yard. It’s so bad I’m not even going to quote it or link to it here, but let’s just say this: uninteresting subject material + poor attempts at rhyming + not funny or entertaining at all = a really, really BAD rap.

So, I’ve decided to show all the blogger/rapper wannabes out there how it’s done.

2) This really is one of my favorite posts of all time. It was originally written in April 2005, when my readership was only about 10% of what it is today… so I figure quite a few of you haven’t seen it in the archives.

A little historical background… at the time this was written, John Paul II had been dead for a couple of weeks, and Benedict XVI had not yet been elected. It was one of those periods in history during which there was no Pope. I suggested that maybe it was time for the Papacy to update its image a little bit – instead of chanting in Latin, the new Pope could rap.

(c) 2005-2006 Paul Ryburn. All rights reserved.

Listen up, party people, on your spiritual search
Listen to the grandmaster of the Catholic Church
‘Cause the Vatican is where I make my home
And some people know me as the Bishop of Rome

I’m the P-O-P-E to tha S-T-E-R
And the Popemobile is what they call my car!
The windows are covered in bulletproof glass
So can’t nobody bust a cap up in my ass

As I ride through the crowd, and preach the Word loud
And try my best to make St. Peter proud
‘Cause Peter was the first, he was Popester number one
And a personal acquaintance of God’s only Son

So listen up, party people, you women and you men
I will tell you what is righteous, I will tell you what is sin
Let us all come together on this most holy day
Bend down on our knees, bow our heads, and let’s pray.

Heavenly Father
Heavenly Father
We love thee
We praise thee

You GO God!
You GO God!
Get down
With yo bad self

Get doooooooowwwwwnnnnn……..

The Catholic Church, in its infinite knowledge
Brought its leaders together in the Cardinal College
And they elected me, they said I be’s da man
Who can lead the church like no one else can

So I come with blessings for each and every one
The bishops, the priests, the cardinals and the nuns
Looking mighty sexy in my flowing papal robe
I give shout-outs to my dawgs across tha globe

You Italian priests and you bishops from France
Shake it down, shake it like you got a bee in your pants
And you American priests, stand up and make some noise!
You ain’t Michael Jackson, stay away from the young boys

My name is the Pope, I bring the world hope
If you ain’t down with Jesus, you must be smoking dope!
So spread the word across the Holy See
That the man they call the Popester is in tha hizzy!



Popester in tha hizzy fo shizzy in tha zero zero six, dawg
Know what I’m sayin’?

Better than nothing

The Rapscallions finished third again in trivia tonight, earning a whopping $10 gift certificate. That brings our grand total to $145.

Interesting fact I learned tonight: There are 4 TRILLION chickens in China. A trillion is a thousand billion. That means there are nearly a thousand Chinese chickens for every human on earth.

Blah. Third place. When did we become such underachievers?

Think I’ll walk to the Tap Room and see if Maurice has The Oblongs on.

Duck farts

That was the name of the most popular drink at Sleep Out’s this past Sunday. According to, a duck fart is 1 ounce each of coffee liqueur, Irish cream, and whiskey. Taste can be described as a White Russian with an extra kick. Duck farts were the cause of much merriment at Sleep Out’s as the evening wore on, much of which I’m not allowed to mention in this blog, but that’s fine because I don’t remember most of it anyway.

One story I am allowed to tell… at one point someone put a mix CD in the bar’s player. A song by Kermit the Frog came on, and I stood up, raised my fists high in the air, and shouted, “Kermit the GODDAMN Frog!” and the entire bar went silent for about 10 seconds.

Duck farts apparently make you smarter. After about four duck farts, I got the #1 score in the bar for the month on their NTN Trivia game, and Sleep Out’s ranked #1 in the nation for the team score for a subsequent game.

Viva la duck fart!

Drunk post

So I’m sitting here at Sleep Out’s and the Formula One race is on TV and I’m watching it and playing NTN Trivia at the same time. One of the Formula One sponsors is Johnnie Walker, and it made me think that Jimmie Walker should have some kind of liquor named after him. Dyn-O-Mite! It would give me something new to write about in “What The Bums Are Drinking This Week.”

Speaking of Johnnie Walker… back in the 1960s there was a professional wrestler called “Rubberman” Johnny Walker. In the ’70s he put on a mask and started calling himself Mr. Wrestling II and challenged Harley Race and Ric Flair for the NWA World title.

Speaking of wrestling… ECW is making a comeback. It will be on the Sci-Fi Channel at 9 PM Central every Tuesday. ECW popularized the “hardcore” style of wrestling in the ’90s, with wrestlers being thrown through burning tables, thumbtacks, etc. It is no longer an independent promotion, but rather it exists under the banner of the WWE. However, its creator, Paul Heyman, will be doing the booking.

Speaking of NTN Trivia… as a bar Sleep Out Louie’s came in 10th then 9th then 6th in the nation last night. Top 5 scores averaged determine the bar score. I have pics in my camera but I don’t have a USB connection to download them to the laptop at the current time.

The Most Annoying Woman On The Planet asked what she’d have to do so that I’d stop referring to her as The Most Annoying Woman On The Planet in my blog. She should apply to NASA to live in the space station for a year. Then, I guess technically, she wouldn’t be The Most Annoying Woman On The Planet anymore. She’d be The Most Annoying Woman In Space.

Attn The Most Annoying Woman On The Planet: Please take your damn dog with you if you go.

John who is sitting here with me at the bar at Sleep Out’s informs me that not only do they sell produce at the Farmer’s Market Saturday mornings at Main and GE Patterson, they sell meat as well. Yesterday he bought steak and ground beef.

John also tells me that Bosco’s has bought 821 S. Main and will be using that building as their main brewery operation. John is just a fountain of useful information.

Except John just told me the wrong answer to a trivia question, costing me 787 points.

Pam, who is also sitting with me at Sleep Out’s, tells me that J.Wag’s is closing. It’s the oldest gay bar in all of Memphis. They’re having some kind of grand closing party tonight.

Which reminds me… in Bucharest, Romania there’s a club called Impaler. It’s named after Vlad The Impaler, who is the real-life historical figure who inspired Count Dracula. It’s probably not the only club in the world named Impaler, but I’d be willing to bet it’s the only non-gay club in the world with that name.

NTN Trivia question that just came up: This country lost 70% of its land in a 1920 treaty. Answer: Hungary, which among other losses was forced to give up Transylvania to Romania. Just think… if the other side had won World War I, I might be blogging about how hot Hungarian girls are.

I guess as a Memphian, I’m supposed to say something about the FedEx-St.Jude Golf Classic going on this week. So here goes.

Golf sucks. And the tournament is way out in East Bumblefuck, and why would anyone want to go out there?

And that concludes the commentary on the FedEx-St.Jude Golf Classic.

And that concludes this drunk post. To use a Mikeyism, it’s been real, it’s been great, but it’s time for Paul to evacuate.

Saturday update: USB 1.1 vs. 2.0, Gmail, monitor disposal

I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to Steve Cohen’s grand opening today. Allergies have been kicking my ass the past day or so. I just bought the Walgreens version of Claritin-D and hopefully that will help. I had to show my ID and stuff so that they could track that I’m not using the pseudoephedrine in the pills to start a meth lab.

Besides, I’m too busy loading files on my new laptop to go out. I’m using my new iPod for the file transfer – it’s not only a music and video player, but also a 30 GB hard drive. I’m definitely noticing the difference between USB 1.1 and 2.0. On the old computer, which has USB 1.1 ports, it takes about 30 minutes to move a ~1GB folder onto the iPod. On the new computer, which has USB 2.0, the copy takes 3-5 minutes. Never realized it made such a difference.

I’m also abandoning Mozilla Thunderbird as my e-mail client, except to store backup copies of messages. The reason why? I can forward all my e-mail to my Gmail account, and read it from there. I can still send from Gmail as paul at, and Gmail’s mail-reading features are far superior to those of Outlook, Thunderbird or any other e-mail client. When I was researching laptops, I remembered that my mother had once sent me her username and password to the Consumer Reports site. But I couldn’t remember when – a month to a month and a half ago, and I didn’t want to waste time digging through stacks of old mail to look for it. I typed “consumer reports” in the Gmail search box, and it found it instantly. I also love the way Gmail threads e-mail conversations, and its contact manager is as good or better than commercial e-mail programs.

How does one dispose of a computer monitor in an environmentally friendly way? I know you’re not supposed to just toss them in the dumpster, although I’m damn tempted to. Given the image quality, I don’t think it would be worth donating to a school or anything.

Plans for today: I’ll probably wander up to No.10’s rooftop and watch the Sunset Symphony fireworks with the neighbors, although it’s not out of the question that I could change my plans and head down to Tom Lee Park. Have a good Memorial Day weekend, and if anything exciting is going on, let me know.

Steve Cohen’s HQ grand opening tomorrow

This is short notice, I know, but… the candidate I am endorsing for the District 9 Congressional seat, Steve Cohen, will have his campaign headquarters’ grand opening tomorrow, Saturday, May 27, from 11 AM-2 PM at 1803-1 Union Avenue in Midtown. They’ll have BBQ and music. Steve’s a good guy and will represent the district well. Check out the Issues page of his website to find out what he stands for.

What’s in a name: AMD vs. Intel

My “I bought a laptop” post seems to be drawing a lot of hits from an AMD message board this morning, so I want to follow up with a comment.

One of my main concerns in buying a new computer was making sure it could run the new 64-bit Windows that is supposed to be coming out by the end of 2006. So I started researching Intel processors – will they be able to run it or not? Couldn’t find anyplace on the web that simply says, yes, this chip will be able to run it, or no, this chip won’t. After an hour of reading, I think their dual-core chips will be able to run 64-bit Windows, and I think their Pentium M chips won’t be able to – but I’m still not sure.

AMD, on the other hand, put “64” at the end of all its chips’ names. No doubt they’ll be good to go. That’s a major reason why I went with a laptop with an AMD processor, rather than going for “Intel Inside” as I have in the past.

AMD’s marketing department is smarter than Intel’s marketing department when it comes to naming chips.

The bear is back

I forgot to mention something very important when I did my lunchtime post, discussing last night’s activities. I forgot to mention that the bear is back: The Gone Fishing video game is once again available on Beale Street.

Last year, I wasted stacks of dollars on the Tap Room’s stupid video crack machine, which had a game called “Gone Fishing.” Fish jump out of a frozen pond, and a polar bear swings a bat and attempts to hit them as far down the ice as possible. It was completely stupid. Yet I spent a lot of time with that bear. At one point I had the high score and 7 of the 10 high scores.

Then one day I walked into the Tap Room and the video crack machine was gone, replaced by a different video crack machine with different games. I was sad. I thought I’d never see the bear again.

But last night, I walked into the Black Diamond and ordered my usual PBR in a can. At the time I didn’t know anyone there (the BB King people hadn’t arrived yet), and I decided to see what games were on their video crack machine. And lo and behold, there was Gone Fishing. The bear and I were reunited at last.

I foresee a lot of nights at the Diamond in my future.

I bought a new laptop today

Sunday, as I was flipping through the paper looking for the Deal of the Week, I came across a really good price on a Gateway laptop at Office Depot. I ended up choosing a digital camera as the Deal insteal, simply because I had already selected a very similar laptop as a Deal in a previous week.

But as the days rolled on, I kept going back to Office Depot’s site and looking at that laptop. And thinking, hmmm… my computers are both four years old… they’re gonna have to be replaced within the year… why would I want to pass this up? So today after work, I went to the downtown Office Depot and bought it.

It’s a Gateway MX6440, with an AMD Turion 64 processor. The “Turion” designation means that the chip is optimized for laptop use (preserving battery life and such – similar to Intel’s Centrino chip), and the “64” ensures that I’ll be able to upgrade to the new version of Windows that is rumored to be coming out around the end of the year. It has a gig of RAM, and a 100 GB hard drive, with built-in wireless, four USB ports, a CD/DVD player/burner, and a 15.4″ widescreen. The price? $799 after rebate. Not bad at all.

I intend for the new laptop to replace both my current computers. I don’t see the point of having a desktop PC anymore when wireless is available all over town. So as soon as I get my data moved over to my new laptop, the old computers are outta here. Actually, that’s not true… I’ll keep the old laptop as a backup in case the new one breaks. As for the desktop PC… hmmm… maybe I’ll turn it into a Linux box or something. What I’m really looking forward to is getting rid of this crummy 19″ CRT monitor. I hate it so much that I want to take a baseball bat to it. I guess I could donate it to a school or something, but the poor kid who has to use that piece of crap will be guaranteed to need glasses after a year or so.

After I got home I realized I needed to download and install software – Firefox, ZoneAlarm, AVG Anti-Virus, WeatherBug, Google Earth. So I fired it up and got ready to install, only to find that there weren’t any wireless networks in range of my apartment that I could mooch from. Then I thought, wait a minute. The Saucer has wireless. And beer. And waitresses. So I went up there and downloaded all the essential stuff I need. Except for my data, it’s ready to go.

And as an added bonus, my external battery back from BatteryGeek will work with the new laptop, extending the 3-hour battery to a total of 8-9 hours.

I love it. As my friend Ish would say, “AWESOME AWESOME!”

Lunchtime post: Midtown restaurants and downtown clubs

Today’s lunchtime Wi-Fi location: High Point Coffee at Union and Belvedere. I like this place: It has the feel of a Starbucks and similar drink menu, but it also has free wireless Internet (Starbucks charges for theirs) and a TV tuned to CNN Headline News.

Just ate lunch at Pei Wei Asian Diner, also at the corner of Union and Belvedere. Here’s a copy of their menu. I had the Spicy Korean signature dish with chicken, and it was good. Pei Wei opened about two weeks ago. One word of caution – that place fills up fast. I got there at 11:15 and it was already half-full. By the time I left people were jockeying for position to get tables. You’ll do well to go for either an early or a late lunch, rather than right at noon.

Hmmm… since Pei-Wei is Asian-themed, maybe they could create an additional source of income by selling that video I mentioned in a post last month, that teaches guys how to seduce Asian girls. “Ah, so GI! You like make ficky-ficky with sexy Oriental girl? Well, now you can…” I actually knew a guy once who probably owned that tape. He had a thing for Japanese girls. “J-girls,” he called them.

I wonder if there’s a video on how to seduce “Ro-girls”?

Couple of downtown nightspots to keep your eye on…

Last weekend I bumped into one of the employees at Wang’s at Main and Gayoso. For those of you who didn’t catch my post about Wang’s a couple of weeks ago, they’re going to start having live music 9 to 2 Thursdays-Saturdays. She said their new sound stage is almost complete, and they pumped some serious money into it. She also told me they’re going to be booking some musical acts that are very well-known here in Memphis. Out of respect to her, I don’t want to spill the beans, but keep an eye on Wang’s next weekend or the weekend after, and be on the lookout for ads/announcements in the Flyer and other entertainment news sources.

Last night I had the pleasure of talking to several employees of BB King’s club on Beale – a couple of my neighbors on my rooftop, and then later in the evening, several servers who were having an after-work beer at the Black Diamond. All of them told me that BB’s is really making an effort to reach out to the locals here in Memphis and give them a unique experience that they can’t get in any other club. I was really impressed with them – they seemed like a big family and had a personal passion for the club. Downtowners, if you haven’t been to BB’s in a while, it’s worth a second look, based on all that I heard last night. I’ll try to get by there sometime soon.

Lunchtime over. Back to the cubicle.