This is going to be a repost, and I apologize for that, because usually I don’t do those.
But this once, I’m going to do it, for two reasons:
1) This weekend I was surfing MySpace… looking at friends’ pages and friends of friends’ pages, and friends of friends of friends’ pages, and I came across the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life… “The Poopshakes Rap.” A girl had written a rap in her MySpace blog about how her dog digs holes in the yard. It’s so bad I’m not even going to quote it or link to it here, but let’s just say this: uninteresting subject material + poor attempts at rhyming + not funny or entertaining at all = a really, really BAD rap.
So, I’ve decided to show all the blogger/rapper wannabes out there how it’s done.
2) This really is one of my favorite posts of all time. It was originally written in April 2005, when my readership was only about 10% of what it is today… so I figure quite a few of you haven’t seen it in the archives.
A little historical background… at the time this was written, John Paul II had been dead for a couple of weeks, and Benedict XVI had not yet been elected. It was one of those periods in history during which there was no Pope. I suggested that maybe it was time for the Papacy to update its image a little bit – instead of chanting in Latin, the new Pope could rap.
POPESTER IN THA HIZZY
(c) 2005-2006 Paul Ryburn. All rights reserved.
Listen up, party people, on your spiritual search
Listen to the grandmaster of the Catholic Church
‘Cause the Vatican is where I make my home
And some people know me as the Bishop of Rome
I’m the P-O-P-E to tha S-T-E-R
And the Popemobile is what they call my car!
The windows are covered in bulletproof glass
So can’t nobody bust a cap up in my ass
As I ride through the crowd, and preach the Word loud
And try my best to make St. Peter proud
‘Cause Peter was the first, he was Popester number one
And a personal acquaintance of God’s only Son
So listen up, party people, you women and you men
I will tell you what is righteous, I will tell you what is sin
Let us all come together on this most holy day
Bend down on our knees, bow our heads, and let’s pray.
We love thee
We praise thee
You GO God!
You GO God!
With yo bad self
The Catholic Church, in its infinite knowledge
Brought its leaders together in the Cardinal College
And they elected me, they said I be’s da man
Who can lead the church like no one else can
So I come with blessings for each and every one
The bishops, the priests, the cardinals and the nuns
Looking mighty sexy in my flowing papal robe
I give shout-outs to my dawgs across tha globe
You Italian priests and you bishops from France
Shake it down, shake it like you got a bee in your pants
And you American priests, stand up and make some noise!
You ain’t Michael Jackson, stay away from the young boys
My name is the Pope, I bring the world hope
If you ain’t down with Jesus, you must be smoking dope!
So spread the word across the Holy See
That the man they call the Popester is in tha hizzy!
Popester in tha hizzy fo shizzy in tha zero zero six, dawg
Know what I’m sayin’?