I’m proud to have a reputation Downtown as a good tipper. On most tabs I tip 30% for good service. If I’m drinking beers that are on sale, I tip either a dollar a beer or what 30% of the full price would have been, whichever is more, for good service.
Note that phrase – “for good service.” It explains why I tip well 99% of the time. Today we’re going to talk about an example of the other 1%, which happened one year ago today.
Even the best bars and restaurants – no matter how well they’re known for great service – occasionally make a hiring mistake. One year ago today I walked into one of my favorite hangouts, and one of the mistakes was working a shift as a server. It was her last shift – she had put in notice and was quitting. Her behavior over the previous month made me wonder if her bar’s training manual read something like this:
TRAINING MANUAL
1) If you don’t get exactly the shifts you want, whine and complain to management and keep whining until they change things and you get your way. After all, you’re a little princess and deserve to have your ideal schedule. And besides, none of your co-workers have anything important going on in their lives, like school or other jobs or family. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect everyone to rearrange their schedules for you.
2) If someone sits in your section and orders an inexpensive drink and sips it as he works, that’s not good. After all, small tab means small tip. Therefore you should roll your eyes and sigh and nonverbally express your disgust. True, he ran up a $25 tab two days ago and left you a nice tip, but that was then and now is now.
3) In order to assure your customers get prompt service, please limit your smoke breaks to no more than 20 minutes. Unless, of course, you have an important call to make on your cell phone – in that case, take as long as you want, your customers will understand.
4) If a cute guy comes in, feel free to spend as much time flirting with him as you want, even if it means completely ignoring your section. Again, your customers will understand.
5) When you work lunch shifts, it isn’t necessary to check on your customers more than once every 40 minutes or so. After all, people aren’t in a hurry to get anywhere in the middle of the day on weekdays.
6) If people fail to tip you well after you follow the rules listed above, it certainly isn’t a sign that you’re a bad server. Your customers are just being mean.
7) Here’s a way to recover from a bad tip or no tip at all: Put on a sad face and look like you’re about to cry. If you’re attractive, your customers (especially older males) will ask what’s wrong and then you can tell them. They will understand that the bad tippers were being mean to you and will tip you extra to make up for it. They certainly aren’t bright enough to figure out that you’re putting on an act, so go ahead!
8) If people tip you badly on credit card receipts, you can show these receipts to other customers in an attempt to get them to make up the difference. “See, this person tipped me 2 on 30. And this person tipped me 3 on 47.” There’s certainly nothing unprofessional about showing people’s credit card receipts to complete strangers, after all. And they certainly wouldn’t look at the receipts and come to the conclusion that other people think you’re a lousy waitress. They’ll feel sorry for you because you’re a little angel who can do no wrong, and they’ll tip extra.
9) If your customers show a pattern of leaving horrible tips over a long period of time, and you need to start making more money, you have two options: a) start doing a better job, or b) go to the mall and buy much shorter skirts to wear while you work. We recommend b).
10) At some point in the evening you will be “cut.” That means you’re free to leave as soon as you either transfer the tables you currently have to other servers, or as soon as the tables you have pay their tab and leave. Obviously you don’t want to transfer the tabs, because then another server will get your tips! On the other hand, you don’t want to have to stay around for another hour waiting for your current customers to tab out – you have very important things to after work, like letting some guy buy you drinks at the Black Diamond. So here’s what you do – you say to your customers “WELLY’KNOW YOUNEEDTO HURRYUPANDPAY BECAUSEIHAVETOGO” and act very agitated and upset if they haven’t left 5 minutes later (and left you a generous tip).
So anyway, it was the last night for this particular server. I had figured her out weeks before, and she hadn’t made any attempt to say hello or speak to me in a friendly manner in a while. I was at the bar, drinking a beer, when one of the other regulars came in. We talked for a few minutes, then decided to grab seats in this server’s section. I’ll admit, I did this on purpose, realizing that it would annoy her since I knew I was not one of her favorite people. However, at the time I didn’t have any plans to annoy her beyond that.
I ordered a $2.50 beverage and got the usual cold response and bad service. I ordered a $4.50 beverage and got the same. At that point my friend and I got to talking about another regular patron of the bar, someone who orders expensive beer and gets all picky about it being served in the proper glass. So I ordered one of those expensive beers, priced at $11. That was one dollar for every minute the beer sat at the bar waiting for the server to pick it up and bring it to me. It’s not that the place was busy, there were only a few tables – but there were several guys at one of her tables and she was busy flirting.
But, a funny thing happened around that time. The server started being nice again. Over the next 30 minutes she came over several times to talk. Once I ordered that $11 beer, it was like a little light bulb went off in her head – “Oh… he knows it is my last night… I bet he is running up a big tab, so he can leave me an extra-special tip. I should be nice to him.”
I finished my beer and she came back (remarkably, at the time I had just taken my last sip, not 15 minutes later as usual) to see what I wanted next. “I don’t know,” I said, thumbing through the drink menu. “So many choices. What do you recommend?”
She recommended the Rogue Imperial, which at $30 just happened to be the most expensive drink on the menu. But I’m sure it’s because she knew my tastes well and personally selected that choice for me, and not at all because she was trying to run up the tab.
About this time a light bulb in MY head went off. I knew she was looking forward to an extra-special tip, and I decided she was going to get one. Just not a big one. I ordered the $30 beverage. She was thrilled.
I waited for her to go to the back to take one of her legendary 20-minute smoke breaks, then I went to the bar and got a 20 changed out. My tab was now $48, which as far as I can remember is my record highest tab at this place (except when I’ve spent gift certificates). My plan was to leave her $48 in bills and the change in my pocket.
Then I pulled the change out of my pocket and examined it. There was well over a dollar. So I decided to modify my plan. When she came back, I asked for my tab. She brought it and walked off. I threw down not $48, but $47, in bills, slammed down the pocket change on top of it (causing it to scatter everywhere), high-fived my friend and walked out. Outside, we looked in the window and watched her pick up change off the floor.
This was about 8:00 on a Thursday night. The Dempseys were playing the Madison rooftop and I planned to run by my apartment for a minute, then head up there. As I walked into my building my phone rang. “Hello, who’s this?” I answered.
“Y’know who this is,” said the voice on the other end. “Hey, you didn’t leave enough money.”
“Yes I did,” I told her. “My tab was $48. I left $47 in bills. And there were 5 quarters among the change I threw down. So I did cover my tab.”
“So you are leaving me pennies.”
“Yup.”
“Well. Thank you for making my last night so memorable.” (click)
A little over a week later, I attended another Dempseys show at a bar in the Downtown area. Now, the thing is, this particular server had two jobs, both of which she quit at the same time, and this was the other bar where she worked. I was almost scared to order a beer there. People in the service industry tend to stick together, and I worried that there would be repercussions.
I was relieved to see a friend of mine tending the back bar. For some reason I tend to order particular drinks at particular bars – at this place it’s Smirnoff Ice. Yes, I know that’s a girly drink, but it’s a holdover from a club I frequented in the ’90s. So I got it and went off to see the show, coming back twice more for Smirnoff Ices. At the first break, I decided I was tired out. I went to the back bar and took out money. 3 x $4.50 = $13.50. I took out $17.50 to pay the bartender, including tip.
“Paul, you don’t have a tab tonight,” she told me.
“WHAT?” I asked, surprised. This bar is not known for giving away free drinks.
“People who work here picked up your tab,” the bartender replied. “People who work here heard what you did to ____ last week, and they want you to know that a lot of people here are very happy that you did what you did.”
Apparently she made friends everywhere in Memphis. She’s not here anymore, but this post is a salute to her and her waitressing “skills.”