A couple of Mondays ago, I ran into my new BFF Suzy and a couple of her girlfriends. They wanted vodka, so I suggested we go to one of my favorite restaurants Downtown, Big Foot Lodge. “They have a great selection of liquors,” I told the girls, “and I know we’ll have a fun time there.”
Unfortunately my former BFF was bartending, and after one round she cut us all off. “I’M NOT SERVING YOU,” she told my new BFF Suzy. “YOU’RE ALL DRUNK. I CAN REFUSE SERVICE TO ANYONE I WANT. Here’s your tab, Paul, pay it.” None of us were actually drunk, not to the point of needing to be cut off. I went in a few days later and asked my former BFF about it. “It wasn’t you this time, Paul,” she said. “Those girls were talking shit about me. I wasn’t going to sit there and have to listen to that all night.”
I asked what they had said. “Well, they said all this stuff about her [Suzy] being a big improvement over the old BFF, meaning me,” she told me. I asked what else. “Well, I can’t remember what all else,” said my former BFF. “But they were saying a lot of stuff and really pissing me off.”
Okay, so the one thing she can remember – her one justification for being so upset – is that Suzy and the girls were saying Suzy is a “big improvement” over her as my BFF. Let’s do a little comparison here:
 |
 |
|
| Suzy
BFF 2.0 |
Meghan
BFF 1.0 |
|
| When she sees me, she… | Says, “Hi, BFF!” and gives me a hug | Says, “I’M IN A REALLY BAD MOOD, PAUL”
or “You need to tip me fat tonight” |
| Texts/calls just to say hello and ask how I’m doing | All the time | Never |
| Invites me to parties | All the time | Never |
| Introduces me to cute girls | All the time | Never |
| Has an annoying mini-me who follows her around | No | Yes |
| Expects me to buy her drinks/food | Never | If I don’t: “Paul! You’re not being a good BFF! Come on, this is the kind of thing BFFs do for each other.” |
| Hangs out at | Itta Bena | Atlas |
| If I offer a hug, she: | Hugs me | Says, “You want me to actually touch you? That’s kind of creepy, Paul.”
If in a really good mood, she’ll follow it up with “No, I’m just kidding.” |
| If she sees me pass by, and I don’t see her, she calls out: | “BFF!” | “Paul’s a bitch!” or “Paul’s gay!”
If in a really good mood, she’ll follow it up with “No, I’m just kidding.” |
| Can rock a tube top | HELL YES! | DEFINITELY! This category is a draw. |
By the way, before I get to my conclusion: There’s a candidate for July BFF of the Month who has both Suzy and Meghan beat in the tube top category, which is no small accomplishment.
So my former BFF accused my current BFF of “talking shit,” and the only example she can provide is that my current BFF said she was “a big improvement.” My question is, can it really be considered “talking shit” if it’s the truth?
The restaurant is having a private party to celebrate its 3rd birthday soon, and they gave me a few extra tickets to hand out. Needless to say, my BFF Suzy got one of the tickets. I just hope all my BFFs can get along. Don’t no one need to be messing up my $2 drinks and beer.