Most Monday nights I play poker at the Silly Goose. It’s a free game as long as you’re eating or drinking, and it starts at 10 PM. Silly Goose server Brick usually comes up to play on her night off.
I’ve often Facebooked that I’m predicting a Paul vs. Brick heads-up showdown at the end of the tournament, but so far it has never happened. So, I’m going to do a fantasy post about what such a showdown might look like.
To make it interesting, I’ll structure it the way they do heads-up Texas Hold’em tournaments on TV, with starting stacks of 100,000 chips and blinds at 2,000/4,000.
For each hand, I’ll list the stacks, hands, and what Brick and I would likely be thinking at each stage of the game. Let’s see what happens.
Stacks:
Brick 100,000
Me 100,000
My hand (dealer/small blind): 10♣ 5♠
My thoughts: Not a great hand but worth a call on the dealer button. Worth seeing a cheap flop. If Brick raises with a hand like pocket Kings I’m outta here.
Brick’s hand (big blind): K♥ K♣
Brick’s thoughts: Both of my cards have pictures of men on them. I’m all about some girl power! If I had two Queens I’d care about this hand.
Brick folds. I win 4,000.
Stacks:
Brick 96,000
Me 104,000
Brick’s hand (dealer/small blind): 7♥ 3♥
Brick’s thoughts: Aw, that’s sweet. Hearts are the symbol of love. I raise.
Brick raises to 8,000.
My hand (big blind): J♠ 4♦
My thoughts: Again, not a great hand, but she only made a minimum raise. I call.
Flop: Q♥ A♣ 5♣
My thoughts: No reason to bet here. Check.
Brick’s thoughts: Ooh, another heart! It’s the season of love! I’m all in.
My thoughts: I have no hand, so I’m outta here.
I fold. Brick wins 4,000.
Stacks:
Brick 100,000
Me 100,000
My hand (dealer/small blind): A♦ J♦
My thoughts: Ace-Jack suited is a great starting hand. Gotta raise.
I raise to 11,000.
Brick’s hand (big blind): 8♥ 8♣
Brick’s thoughts: Oh, I just realized, Eights look like snowmen, so I guess I’ll play this hand.
Brick calls. Pot is now 28,000.
Flop: J♠ A♥ K♣
Brick’s thoughts:
Brick checks.
My thoughts: Top-and-bottom two pair, but a dangerous board. Queen-Ten made a straight. If Brick’s hand contains a Queen or a Ten, she’s drawing to a straight. I better attempt to end this hand now.
I bet 12,000. Brick calls. Pot is now 52,000.
Turn: 2♥
Brick’s thoughts: I nearly ran over a possum driving here. If I got some black paint and painted the possum black with a white stripe down its back, then it would be a skunk. Do possums smell bad like skunks do?
Brick checks.
My thoughts: The Deuce is probably a blank, but now there are straight and flush draws on the board. I better keep the pot small.
I check.
River: 8♠
Brick’s thoughts: Cool, another snowman!
Brick bets 100. She’s told that 4,000 is the minimum bet and makes it 4,000.
My thoughts: Against a good player, they either have a monster hand or they’re totally bluffing. I’d suspect my opponent either hit a straight on the flop with Queen-Ten, or she has two random unpaired cards and is trying to steal a rather large pot. However, this is Brick. She could just be betting because the 8 hit the river and she thought it looked like a snowman.
I call.
Brick shows a set of three Eights, beating my two pair.
Stacks:
Brick’s stack: 127,000
My stack: 73,000
Brick’s hand (dealer/small blind): K♣ 3♦
Brick’s thoughts: One of my cards has a K on it. My friend Kalista’s name begins with a K, so I’m going to go all-in.
My hand: 2♣ 9♥
My thoughts (big blind): No thanks.
I fold. Brick wins 4,000.
Stacks:
Brick’s stack: 131,000
My stack: 69,000
Blinds up: 3,000/6,000
My hand (dealer/small blind): 9♠ 6♥
My thoughts: Man, I’m getting some terrible hands. Still, though, I’ve got to take a stand, to keep Brick guessing as to when I actually have something good.
I raise to 15,000.
Brick’s hand (big blind): A♠ A♣
Brick’s thoughts: Two black cards. Red cards are prettier. Also, Aces are higher than Kings, Queens, and Jacks, and those cards have pictures on their cards but Aces don’t. Whoever designed this deck of cards is stupid. I fold.
Stacks:
Brick 125,000
Me 75,000
Brick’s hand (dealer/small blind): J♣ 5♣
Brick’s thoughts: So I was watching this cartoon, and the cat was chasing the mouse, and the mouse went in his hole. And every time the mouse peeked out of his hole, the cat would try to hit him with a hammer. But the mouse was too fast and got back in his hole. Finally the cat reached into his hole and tried to grab the mouse, but the mouse put a stick of dynamite in his… oh, it’s my turn? I guess I call.
My hand (big blind): K♥ 2♦
My thoughts: Not really good enough to raise with a Deuce in my hand.
I check.
Flop: Q♠ 4♥ 7♣
My thoughts: Well, that was no help. I could try to bluff at the pot and steal it, but Brick is likely to call just because she thinks the cards on the flop are pretty. I check.
Brick’s thoughts: I’m getting really worried about the moon. You know, the Wright Brothers landed on it about 100 years ago, and now we have weapons that are capable of reaching the moon and blowing it up. I mean, it would be weird to go outside at night and look into the sky and not see the moon. I like the moon. Oh, it’s my turn? I check.
Turn: 9♦
My thoughts: Brick thought a long time before checking. She must have a little something. Maybe she paired a 4 on the flop. Or, she could have an Ace and is hoping she’s still in the lead with high card. If I bet, she may think I have a hand that can beat her and fold.
I bet 16,000.
Brick’s thoughts: I wish Paul would stop interrupting me while I’m trying to think. I fold.
Stacks:
Brick 123,000
Me 77,000
Blinds up: 4,000/8,000
My hand: J♠ J♦
My thoughts: With a middle-to-big pocket pair and the blinds creeping up, I want to start getting money in the pot.
I bet 20,000.
Brick’s hand: 9♣ 4♥
Brick’s thoughts: I’m tired of playing poker. I want to watch TV. And I’m hungry.
Brick goes all-in.
My thoughts: Excellent situation. I have the fourth best starting hand in this game and my opponent has moved all-in. If she has Aces, Kings or Queens I’m in trouble, but given that it’s Brick, she could be going all-in with most anything.
I call.
Flop: Q♣ Q♠ 8♣
I improve to two pair, Queens and Jacks. Brick has nothing except the pair of Queens on the board.
Turn: J♣
I improve to a full house, Jacks over Queens. Brick still has nothing, except the pair of Queens on board.
River: 10♣
Brick improves to a straight flush, Queen-Jack-Ten-Nine-Eight of clubs, beating my full house. Brick stares blankly at the cards for a minute until someone informs her she hit a straight flush. “No I didn’t!” she exclaims, and people watching explain how the clubs on board plus the Nine in her hand give her a straight flush. She continues to stare blankly until people explain that a straight flush is a higher hand than a full house, and she just won. It finally sinks in, and she says, “See, Paul, I’m a better poker player than you after all! I’m so smart!”
Come play poker at the Silly Goose at 10 PM tonight.