Let’s see what we’ve got in the electronic mailbag today.
Subj: get ur watch at our quality internet store
If you’re a history fan like me, this is great news. There have been wristwatches that are tributes to Mickey Mouse, Snoopy, and Star Wars. But now there’s an Ur Watch, a watch that pays tribute to the ancient city of Ur in southern Mesopotamia, in the area of modern Basra, Iraq. Ur was the site of one of the earliest known civilizations, from about 3000 to 500 BC. The ancient Code of Hammurabi originated here. Here’s a link to a Wikipedia article about Ur. I can’t wait to order one of these watches.
Subj: Abolish all you are indebted without paying another dime
Wow. A message from the future. Kinda makes me sad to learn that I’ll be in debt 24 years from now. But there’s a lesson to be learned here. This is what will happen if you pay minimum monthly payments on your credit card. Back when I was teaching, I actually did this as an Excel demo for my class one time. I think we did $10,000 at 19.9% interest with a 2% minimum payment, and it took over 30 years to pay off.
I’d like to thank this voice from the future for reminding us how evil credit cards are. Time to take Dave Ramsey’s advice: get a pair of scissors and perform plastic surgery!
Subj: enjoy the shopping experience at our online e store
When the bass is thumping and everyone is dancing and people are rolling on E, the world is a beautiful place. So be sure to log onto the Internet before you head out to your next rave. Although, I don’t know… some of these Internet stores can be… you know, shady. Why would you want to take a chance on buying Ecstasy (or “E”, as the cool raver kids call it) online when you can get it from a reputable local businessman like the 19-year-old kid with the visor, pacifier, candy necklace, and baggy pants?
Subj: paul Have you checked out the ratse
From: Mrotgage Xpert
I sure have.
Last Sunday there were three ratse running around near the dumpster in the alley next to Sleep Out’s. Big ones, too. I think this is a sign that Memphis is turning into a real urban environment – we now have ratse that approach the size of the ones found in New York City’s subway tunnels.
Of course, good-sized ratse can also be sighted near Memphis’ tourist capital, Beale Street. They tend to scurry around Silky O’Sullivan’s courtyard, where Silky puts out food for his goats.
(I didn’t want to be rude and tell Mr. Expert that there is no “e” at the end of “rats.”)
Subj: try the miracle new weight loss herb
From: Handball H. Unworthiness
Mr. Unworthiness – with all due respect, I’m going to make a prediction about your personal experience with this herb. I think for a short while, you’ll take it and see minor success, losing a few pounds in the process. But then a crisis (real or imagined) will come up in your life, and you’ll turn right back to what’s familiar – food – and gain the weight back.
You see, Mr. Unworthiness, I can tell from your name that your weight problem will never be cured by pills or herbs or diets alone. You’ve got to address the underlying cause – low self-esteem. I recommend that you check out the self-help section in the bookstore, or consider seeing a therapist or psychiatrist.
By the way – I also gather from your name that your parents must be fans of the sport of handball. I have a couple of friends who play at the local gym, and they’re always looking for opponents. Why don’t you e-mail me your parents’ contact info, and I’ll pass it on.
Subj: increase the size of your manhood 3-4 inches
I didn’t respond to the first 133,718 penis enlargement e-mails I received, so chances are I won’t respond to this one either. Let’s face it – the days of bulk e-mail marketing to promote this kind of product are over.
But I am not one to criticize without offering a better solution… so how about celebrity endorsements? According to this Wikipedia article, professional wrestler Robert Fuller (who wrestled as The Tennessee Stud, Col. Rob Parker, and Tennessee Lee) has a 13-inch penis. Maybe the makers of enlargement products could sign him to an endorsement contract. They could probably get him for cheap – from what I’ve read, the guy is perpetually broke, despite having owned wrestling promotions in Alabama in the past.
And that’s the mail for today. My domain is still in the process of transferring from old server to new server, so it’s possible that this post (or possibly the entire site) may disappear and then reappear over the weekend.