Paul Ryburn's Journal

This is a rant I’ve been meaning to do for a while. You know what I hate more than ANYTHING in bars and clubs?

Bathroom attendants.

I mean, I go in, do my business, zip up and here’s this dumbass in a tuxedo shirt saying, “Soap, sir?” You know, I really am capable of washing my hands by myself. I know how to use a soap dispenser. I know how to turn the faucet on and off. I know how to use a paper towel dispenser. I really don’t need assistance. But the bathroom attendant is there to give assistance whether it’s wanted or not… and then to point at his tip jar, expecting a dollar.

The service they offer is of no more significance than the bum on the street who hands you a Memphis Flyer and hopes for a tip, or who runs up to you and tried to hold an umbrella over your head for a tip when it’s raining. Bathroom attendants are nothing but bums who are legally authorized to be in the clubs.

Yeah they offer other stuff – a comb, a stick of gum, a condom – but why not just put a vending machine in the bathroom to sell those things, and get rid of the stupid attendant?

Their presence is counterproductive. When I’m in a club that I know has a bathroom attendant, I try to avoid going to the bathroom as much as possible. That means I avoid drinking, since what goes in must come out. That means my tab tends to be a lot, lot less. Also, I’m more likely to choose to go to a club that doesn’t have a bathroom attendant the next time.

And if you see me in a club with a bathroom attendant: I’d advise you not to shake my hand when you come over and say hello. Because I give the attendant the same reaction I’d give a bum, which is to zip by as quickly as possible without saying a word, hygiene be damned.

Of course, this rant is based solely on my experience going to the men’s room. Maybe there are good reasons for having bathroom attendants in the ladies’ room. But I’m not in the habit of going in women’s restrooms, so I can’t speak on that with any degree of experience.

I can think of a few bars and clubs Downtown where a bathroom attendant would fit in perfectly. I won’t name them by name, but just notice which places never get mentioned in my blog, and you have a pretty good idea. Maybe I’ll do a “Places that suck” post one of these days and name them.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. Wow. I managed to write about bathroom attendants for NINE PARAGRAPHS. They must be a big deal, or something.

All right. Some administrative notes before I hit Publish:

– People are already asking me, “Where’s the Halloween photo album?” Well, the Halloween party season isn’t over yet – there’s still Wednesday. It’ll probably be up somewhere in the neighborhood of November 1-3. Because I was so into my Beer Goddess character Saturday night, I took very few pictures – I may get with some of the other members of the gang and see if we can merge photo albums.

– Once again I didn’t make it to FreeWorld last night. By about 6:30 I could tell I was wearing down, and decided to hang on until about 9 and then hit Wang’s for Paul’s Drunkass Food. However, the next time I looked at my watch it was 10:55. Oops! FreeWorld was actually on stage by that time over at Blues City, but I was in no condition to go. Knowing that this would be one of my last Sundays not followed by a Monday in an office, I overdid it a little. Well, a lot, actually.

– Had a good time yesterday hanging out with Mikey and the gang on his birthday. He hadn’t seen the “Saturday day recap” post which was a tribute to his Mikeyisms, but he nevertheless managed to use practically every one of them in conversation, even “tree rat.”

– Got an interview for what looks to be an AWESOME job this afternoon… more details later, if it pans out.

– Pint Nite at the Saucer, Downtown Night at the Westin, and Monday Night Football at EP’s tonight.

Outta here. I’d wish everyone a happy Monday, but let’s face it, Monday sucks.

Just realized that, although I recapped Friday and Saturday nights, I forgot to recap Saturday day. I spent most of the morning studying the inside of my eyelids. Then finally I got up, showered, brushed my teeth, took the Browns to the Super Bowl, ran by Haji’s Fart Mart for my morning Mountain Dew, and got ready to go out. It was the second day of the new RiverArtsFest in the South Main district, and I was ass and elbows down there.

Well, actually not straight down there. I stopped by the Saucer on the way. You’d think after I got fizznucking drunk Friday night that the last thing I’d want to see is a beer, but you know me, I’m like a bad habit, I always keep popping back up. So I sat at the bar and talked to a friend for a while. He got up to use the restroom. “Hope everything comes out all right,” I told him. I was going to leave after one beer, but when the bartender came by and asked if I wanted another one, I said, “If the glass is clear, I need a beer” which bought me another 30 minutes at the Saucer.

Then I walked down to the arts festival, stopping briefly to watch a tree rat eat a peanut that someone had dropped on the ground. It had been colder than a witch’s tit the past few days, but it warmed up nicely Saturday and was perfect festival weather. Met up with some friends who wanted to go straight to the artist’s market. “Cool your jets, Turbo,” I told them. “Let’s get something to eat first.” Crepe Maker had a booth there, and I really wanted a creep, but the line was too long, so I went with the BBQ nachos from Germantown Commissary instead.

As I was eating one of my friends started apologizing to another about an incident that occurred on my building’s rooftop Friday night, involving the hot tub. I quickly decided it was an A and B conversation, and I’d better C my way out. I heard them say that the hot tub incident had been caught on tape, and that the security guard and some of the residents had been watching it. “Why anyone would want to watch the hot tub incident is beyond me,” commented a member of the group, and I must say, you ain’t just whistling Black Sabbath there, my friend.

Some of the group had to leave the festival to go run errands. “You do that voodoo that you do,” I told them, and they took off. The remainder of the group wanted to go check out the artists’ market at the south end of the festival. “Roll that beautiful bean footage,” I told them. So we walked down there. There were over 100 booths, huge for a first year festival. It must have been expensive to put together, but hey, you have to break an egg to make an omelet.

Checked out the booths but didn’t buy anything. After about an hour I ran into some other Saucer regulars who asked if I was going to dress up as the Beer Goddess again. “I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two don’t count,” I told them. By then it was late afternoon, so I pulled a Houdini and went home and put on the costume. From there it was on to the Saucer’s Halloween party, which I recapped in the previous post.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it’s been real, it’s been great, but it’s time for Paul to evacuate. Other places to be, other people to see.

(You either get this post or you don’t, depending on whether you know someone celebrating a birthday today. Sorry I had to crap all over my RiverArtsFest recap to bring this to you. The festival goes on from 10 to 6 today, and it really was quite good, so go check it out for yourself if you missed it Friday and Saturday.)

Now I understand why the Saucer girls say “My feet are killing me” after spending 7 hours in their Beer Goddess uniforms. I got there at 5:15 today and left a little after midnight, spending the entire time walking the floor and occasionally taking orders for drinks from people who actually believed I worked there.

More than any other Halloween costume I’ve ever done, I totally got into character tonight. To put it bluntly, I was a total bitch. I complained about the other girls being jealous of me, the employee meeting at noon tomorrow, the way men only look at my boobs and butt and don’t listen, and various other things. As the evening wore on, I began booty-dancing to the band in the outdoor room, grinding my ass against the pool table. It was quite a sight. Somebody should’ve videotaped it.

The costume contests happened later than we had been told, but they at least happened on the same day they were advertised and there were actual prizes awarded, so it was a tremendous improvement over what the Saucer did last year. There were four contests – Most Original, Most Seductive, Best Overall, and Best Saucer Girl (which this year was for the actual Saucer employees, not me). A Ghostbusters team of 4 people took Most Original, and I can’t remember who won Most Seductive. However, I was quite pleased with the outcomes of the other two contests, which in each case saw two friends of mine versus each other in the final.

The first finalist in Best Overall was the corrupt Catholic priest. Here’s a pic of him and his girlfriend Yoko, which I took Friday night at the Number 10 party:

Funny thing about him is, he really didn’t dress up for Halloween up until this year. He started because he needed a costume so his girlfriend (who had a SMOKIN’ hot costume of her own) wouldn’t have to dress up by herself, and because within the past year he’s started hanging out with us and all of us dress up. So he went out and bought a priest’s robe (which, he told me, was more expensive than people realize) and added the little boy at a strategic location. Not bad at all for a first-time Halloween outfit.

The other finalist in Best Overall, not surprisingly, was Mikey and Skippy, who together dressed up as Raiford’s.

Mikey (left) dressed up as the interior of Raiford’s, with handprints similar to those on the walls, LED lights, a disco ball (which I donated to the project) and speakers playing well-known Raiford’s tunes. Skippy dressed as the exterior of Raiford’s, with “Hollywood Disco” sign, blue carpeted sidewalk and “No Discrimination” mimicking the outer walls. Mikey and Skippy won almost every costume contest Downtown last year with their costumes – a church that had burned and a fire barricade – and had been working on their ’07 costumes for weeks. We expected them to be awesome and we were not disappointed.

There was no way I could pick one over the other, and cheered my ass off for both of them. It was a close competition but the crowd noise was a little bit louder for Raiford’s, and they took the prize, a $200 set of golf clubs and $100 cash. As far as I know neither Skippy nor Mikey golf.

I think my friends were robbed in two other categories. The Ghostbusters costumes were pretty cool, but come on, there’s no way they should have won Most Original over Raiford’s. And I can’t believe Yoko didn’t win Most Seductive… that outfit she had on… DAMN. My friend the priest is a lucky man.

I left the Saucer about midnight, after the last contest was over. The plan was for all of us to meet up at McGuinness and continue partying, but my friends got there ahead of me (I had to run to the bar and pay my tab) and they stopped me and told me it was deader than a doornail. So we considered relocating to EP’s but it was too packed to be any fun. At that point I decided to call it quits. I had been rockin’ for 7 hours, but my feet were starting to hurt, and I could feel myself starting to sag mentally. I had a feeling that if I stayed out I’d turn into Mr. No Fun. So, I decided to quit while I was ahead, and came home for the evening.

Brunch tomorrow at the Majestic at 11, followed by a move to the Saucer around 12:30 so I can whoop Clay’s and Pete’s ass at pool. Again. I’ll once again try to hang on for the entire day and make it to FreeWorld at Blues City at 10:30 PM, but I’m the tiredest I’ve been since BBQ Fest, so I’m not promising I’ll make it.

One more day of Halloween partying left. If you missed the Beer Goddess this weekend, she’ll be back at the Saucer on the 31st in the early evening, and then she’ll move on to Big Foot and possibly EP’s. I had said that this year was it for the Beer Goddess persona, but honestly, I had so much fun tonight that I may bring her back for a fourth year in 2008.

One more post to do, then off to bed.

Last night I started at the Flying Saucer, where Mikey the Monk did his final Octoberfest blessing of the kegs.

After that I went home and changed into my Halloween costume. The gang reconvened at the Saucer about 8:00.

As you can see John D had on a particularly scary costume. He’s so proud of it that he wears it year-round. Hey, now!

While there I got my picture taken with two of my favorite Saucer girls. These two are absolute sweethearts and great servers. If you go to the Saucer and happen to land in their section please tip them well. Later on in this post we’re going to meet some Saucer waitresses who are not so nice.

We then moved on to the Halloween party at my apartment building, Number 10 Main. As you can see below the event was covered by society columnist Michael Donahue.

And now we take a look at a few of the costumes seen at this year’s Number 10 party. We’ll start with one of my neighbors and a regular blog reader, dressed as a fairy. When I took her picture she asked with hesitation, “….. Are you going to put this on the blog?” Which pretty much guaranteed her a starring role in today’s post.

A popular thing to do in Memphis is to play the race card, and it was certainly played well at the party last night.

Here we see a Catholic priest conveying a blessing on a young boy with his holy juices.

Yep, lots of politically incorrect costumes at the Number 10 party this year.

About 11:45 the unthinkable happened – the party ran out of beer. Needless to say, things wound down very quickly after that. I decided to go back to the Saucer to have one beer and wait a few tables.

Due to unusual circumstances, though, I ended up staying at the Saucer a lot longer than one beer. (How many times have I typed that in a blog post?) Take a good look at the two photos below. The two Saucer girls pictured below practically raped me in front of the pool table while the band played.

They double-teamed me… one would distract me and the other would run by and pull up my skirt, grab my ass, etc. The little blonde in the second picture, with the dark grey pullover, darklights and fake tan, had particularly wandering hands and also stole several dollars out of my tip cup. These girls absolutely violated me and I don’t know if I’ll ever recover from the emotional and psychological distress it caused.

This morning I thought about calling my friend Bo who’s a lawyer to see about getting restraining orders against these two, but I came up with a better idea… one that requires help from you, my readers. If you go to the Saucer and happen to get either of these two girls as your server, tip them a penny and write “PAUL’S REVENGE” on the receipt.

After the girls were done molesting me, they asked if they could put makeup on me and I agreed. Why I thought that was a good idea at the time I’ll never know. Wait, I do know: People were buying me Jager. That’s why. So the girls got their purses and applied lipstick, eyeshadow, and whatever that stuff is girls put on their cheeks. They also put ribbons in my hair. Here’s a pic of the final product:

Oh and they put a name tag on me that said “My name is Paula.” I prefer Pauliana as my Beer Goddess name, as it’s a veiled reference to the only girl in Saucer history who was a worse waitress than me.

Stayed at the Saucer until close at 2… thought about Raiford’s but didn’t see the point in paying a hefty cover for only an hour of partying. About 2:15 I got a text from my friends Mikey and Skippy telling me that they took first place in Raiford’s costume contest. Let’s have a look at their costumes:

Can you figure out what they were? Here’s a rear view shot of Skippy:

Total tip money for the evening: $9, although about half of that got stolen and the remainder got soaked with beer. I’m trying to break my $29 record from last year, with two days left in the costume to do it.

On the agenda for today: RiverArtsFest during the day. Tonight it’ll be the Saucer’s Halloween party and then McGuinness.

Brunch will be at the Majestic tomorrow, although it’s possible that a good many of us will be too hung over to make it.

Thanks to those of you who read that I joined Facebook and added me as a friend. There’s still not much to see there yet, as I haven’t had time and likely won’t this weekend. If you want to add me, it’s under my paul@paulryburn.com address.

Time to get the day started. Lots more pictures will be taken this weekend.

Article by CA writer “Skippy” Blank on winning Halloween costumes. You may recognize the people and/or costumes pictured.

Just walked to Jack’s Food Store for my morning caffeine. While there I noticed that the restaurant just to the north of Jack’s, currently the soul food restaurant Cafe Napoleon, will turn into Bruno’s Italian restaurant Monday, October 29. They have a menu posted on the sandwich board outside. It’s on the Main Street Mall between Adams and Jefferson.

Went to the Saucer to see The Dempseys tonight. They seemed to be having a really good night, lots of fun. They brought up a Japanese singer to do a couple of Elvis songs, and he rocked it, the moves and everything. Then he turned to Joe the bass player and said, “Why are you so hyper all the time? … I know, Viagra.”

Later in the evening Joe got in a classic quote himself: “I secondhand smoke two packs a day playing this place.” Well said. I feel ya, bro.

In other news… the Nuh-Uh Girl finally talked me into signing up for Facebook. I haven’t done much with my profile yet other than sign up, so there’s not much there to see. But if you’re on Facebook and want to be my friend, hit up my paul@paulryburn.com e-mail address. Looking forward to using Facebook, especially since they’ve embraced open source and a lot of cool Facebook apps (widgets) are under development. I resisted MySpace for a long time too but in the year and a half I’ve been a member I’ve used it to get job opportunities and to meet a couple of second cousins I never even knew I had. Despite what Otto says, MySpace is not evil, nor is Facebook.

So, after the Dempseys finished, I moseyed over to EP’s. You remember how I posted earlier in the day that I might go to EP’s? Well, surprise, surprise, my stalker was there. She didn’t know how to dance to ’80s music but DAMN she can wear some jeans. Hung out at the upstairs bar, watched the Michael Jackson Dance Party (which used to happen at another Downtown location, and on a different night of the week) and drank a couple of beers.

Hooper gave me a tour of Hoop’s Bar, scheduled to open in a little more than a week. They just have to put the finishing touches in place. He told me that Downtowners will have a chance to personalize the bar. Can’t wait for it to open.

Speaking of EP’s… next Monday night, their Monday Night Football extravaganza will be graced with the presence of East Bumblefuck Kat. She’ll not only be watching the game, but celebrating her 27th birthday. I look forward to catching up with Kat, buying her a birthday beer and finding out what’s going on in the Dirty Dova.

Been a great day… job interview via phone went VERY well this afternoon. I’m excited about that, and looking forward to a great Halloween weekend. My goal is to fill the camera with pictures (it holds approximately 400). I have the camera battery and spare battery charged, so I’m ready.

After 3. Guess I’ll go to bed now.

My favorite band THE DEMPSEYS return to my favorite bar tonight at 9:30. It’s been almost three months since I last saw one of their shows, probably a record long time since I met them four years ago. As of right now I have no plans for tomorrow morning, so I’ll likely last all the way through their third set, which they usually wrap up about 1:30 AM. After that I’ll head home, although it’s possible I may detour into EP’s for one beer.

So yesterday I did a post that pretty much listed every place I’ll be for the next week. Then later in the day I found out that my stalker and her little sidekick have been reading my blog. Oh goody. I sure made it easy for her. I may need to hire a bodyguard.

Job hunting this week has been an experience. Had an interview Tuesday afternoon, and as I was getting ready I discovered that I had forgotten how to tie a tie. Thank goodness for Internet access… I found a tutorial that walked me through it.

Then there was the question of what to do with my hair. I’ve grown it out extra long as part of my Halloween costume, but it’s really longer than I would like it for job interviews. I tried tying it in a ponytail, but that just looked stupid. I tried slicking it back, but then it looked like I had a mullet. Finally I got something decent out of it and headed out the door. But I had to get gas and the wind and rain undid my handiwork. I tried to comb it in the bathroom but not much success… the final product made me think, if I bleached it blond I’d look like Ric Flair circa 1988. Whooooo! Oh well. If a company gets its panties all in a wad about hair it probably isn’t a place I’d want to work anyway.

So I had interviews in East Memphis Tuesday and Collierville Wednesday. Collierville sure is a long drive from Downtown. I have a phone interview for a job today that sounds absolutely awesome… hope that one works out. I’m also meeting a friend at the Fish on Monday to discuss some opportunities. So things are looking good, and I still have money left over from consulting to keep me going strong.

Back to the Saucer, because I can’t do a blog post without mentioning it 10 bazillion times. I previously mentioned that the best Beer Goddess ever to walk through the door will be back this weekend. I talked to her and found out she won’t be there Friday night – she’s going to my apartment building’s party and then possibly Raiford’s – but she will definitely be at the Saucer Saturday night, serving beer in a miniskirt. I know a lot of people are looking forward to seeing her again.

I’ll wrap up this post with a link to Ophelia Ford’s noted quotes. Our state senator, ladies and gentlemen. Outta here for now.

Received info about a few more Halloween parties Downtown and wanted to pass on the details.

– Saturday the 27th there will be a party at Itta Bena, on the 3rd floor of BB King’s on Beale, to benefit Methodist Healthcare Foundation and The Med’s sickle cell research program. Minimum $20 donation. Starts at 10, light hors d’ouevres 10 to 11. VIP tables are available, call 258-0777 for more info.

– On Halloween night Big Foot Lodge will host its 3rd annual Big Foot Halloween Bash from 9 to 3. SNAP 94.1 in the house, costume contest with $300 to the winner and huge prizes for 2nd and 3rd, $2 34 oz. Big Foot Coors Lights. Unlike other bars and clubs that jack their entry fee to the moon for Halloween party weekend, there is NO COVER at Big Foot. I’ve said it before and will say it again – you can always count on Big Foot to throw some of the best parties Downtown has ever seen.

– Earnestine & Hazel’s will host the 22nd annual Hell On Earth party Halloween night. Spend a rock n’ roll Halloween with the Subteens, Dan Montgomery, Johnny Lowebow, and many others. If you just want to rock out and don’t want to deal with a crowded nightclub atmosphere that night, this may be the choice for you.

So, here’s a summary of what I know that is going on each night. In parentheses I’ve listed the likelihood that I’ll be at each of these parties.

Friday

Private party at apartment building (definitely)
Club Atlas inside Jillian’s (no)
Hollywood Disco aka Raiford’s (probably)

Saturday

Flying Saucer (definitely)
Dan McGuinness (most probably)
Itta Bena (wish I could, but don’t have time)
Raiford’s (maybe)
Mpact Memphis/Arthritis Foundation Bone Bash at the New Daisy (no)

Wednesday

Big Foot Lodge (definitely)
EP Delta Kitchen (probably)
Hell on Earth at Earnestine & Hazel’s (no)
Will most likely also make an appearance at the Saucer even though it isn’t their party night.

How Hangovers Work