Paul Ryburn's Journal

Forwarded message from Terre Gorham of the Downtowner magazine:

As most of you know, the Blue Monkey Downtown
burned to the ground Sunday morning.

The owner plans to rebuild, but he needs our help! And
this is the kind of help that provides a GOOD TIME, to
boot!

Please soak off, air dry, and save your wine labels. Also
save your wine corks. The Monkey is going to need
plenty of both when they get to that point in order to
recreate the gorgeously original interior of the former
place.

Pass this on to anyone who may want to participate,
and thanks!

– New panhandler to avoid at all costs: Those of you who lived in Midtown in the mid-late 1990s may remember a blond woman, about 5 feet tall, somewhat overweight, who would beg for money and was extremely nasty. One day she approached me in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot, and when I politely refused she proceeded to follow me to my car cussing at me, and continued to scream at me until after I had driven off the lot.

Well, bad news: She’s downtown now. She’s one of the few bums for whom I will actually alter my route to avoid interacting with her. Complete description: White female, probably late 30s-40, 5 feet, ~170 pounds, blond hair worn up or in a ponytail, suntan/sunburn, usually has a button-up shirt tucked into pants. Last night I saw her down the street cussing out a tourist, and I quickly doubled back and went inside the lobby of No. 10 Main until she had passed. One conversation with her and you will understand why I try as hard as possible to stay out of her way.

– Sad news: Ms. Zeno, one of the sweetest people on Beale Street, lost her husband Monday. Her band was performing at Blues City Cafe (he was the drummer) and he died during the set.

I had been to see them the previous Monday, with a friend who had been displaced from New Orleans. When Ms. Zeno found out he was an evacuee, she came over and gave him a big hug and a free CD and lots of attention.

She’s in need of help with burial expenses, and several Beale Street businesses are taking up donations. If you want to help, I recommend dropping off donations at Tater Red’s gift shop – they are personal friends of Ms. Zeno and will see that she gets the money. I know people are tapped out with Katrina donations, but please help if you can – this is a sweet lady with a big heart.

– Thanks again to Carmel for the use of her digital camera last night. For those of you who read this blog for the latest info on Carmel’s social life, she says that Mr. Date Guy is “still in the picture.” Whatever that means. I could go into more detail about Carmel’s social life but I only have 50 MB on this web hosting account.

– Today on “Days of Our Lives”: Carmel finds out she has been dating her sister’s cousin who has been in a coma for the past 3 1/2 years.

– A guy who’s been in a coma for 3 1/2 years, that’s the perfect date for… never mind, she’ll never let me borrow her camera again if I continue this, and I want to re-shoot one of the Romanians because I don’t think I captured her true essence in the last round of pics.

– Dammit, I just missed Fish Races at Sleep Out’s! Everyone picks a goldfish and they race them down these rain gutters. PETA probably wouldn’t approve.. I’ve never been but have been meaning to go for 2 years now.

– All right, quiet evening at home. No drinking tonight (although I did go out for a couple of happy hour beers before typing the second half of this post). The caterer in my building is cooking out on the roof tonight, but it’s a very limited menu – filet mignon only. Fine, I guess I’ll just have to deal with it. Anyway, no late-night partying tonight, because I want to be well-rested for Cooper-Young tomorrow. It’s a 4-day weekend, so there will be plenty of time for partying Saturday, Sunday, and Monday nights. Time to eat! Talk to you later.

(Special thanks to Carmel, also known as Ms. It’s-Almost-A-Tube-Top-It-Has-Straps, for loaning me her digital camera.)

This is Liana (lee-AH-nah). Liana is the sensitive Romanian – if you walk out on a $2.50 Pint Night tab without paying her, she will cry. She thinks Ron, the drummer from the Dempseys, is cute, and upon hearing that he is married she said, “oh, that is too bad.” Despite working 120 hours a week, she still finds time to party like a rock star.

This is Ioana (eee-WAH-nah). Ioana is the lazy Romanian, working a mere 90 hours a week. She is also the Apology Machine. “Paul, I am sorry, I have to transfer your tab so I can go to my other job. Are you upset? Are you mad at me? I apologize, I’m sorry…” If you zoom in, you can see that she has 4 ballpoint pens in her pocket. This, and the fact that she wears thick glasses when not at work, lead me to wonder if Ioana is secretly a nerd.

This is an iguana (ig-WAH-nah). The iguana could not present proof of citizenship, so I’m having to take him at his word that he is indeed Romanian.

Group photo. The iguana was called away on important business (he was needed in surgery or something) and was not able to be a part of the picture.

Other notes:

• I’m taking a risk here, considering they work in a bar with wireless Internet access. At some point someone will probably find this page and show it to them. If they show it to Ioana, she will reply, “Yes, I will speak to heem about thees”
• If they show it to Liana: “Oh, I am going to keel heem”
• Meanwhile, dozens of guys will be going, “Cool, now I not only know how to pronounce their names but spell them too! Thanks Paul!” If you found this blog entry helpful you can always BUY ME A BEER – I accept charity
• This blog has been averaging 20-25 hits a day this week. Bet that jumps to 35-40 hits once this gets posted

All right – I’m outta here. I’ll be at the Cooper-Young Festival all day on Saturday, then I’ll be celebrating a friend’s birthday at the Saucer Saturday night, and doing the usual drunken antics at Sleep Out’s during Sunday brunch. I have Monday and Tuesday off as vacation days, haven’t decided what I will do with those yet. Have a good weekend everyone, and holler at me (and BUY ME A BEER) at the Cooper-Young Fest…

If there’s such a thing as a silver lining to this Katrina disaster… I haven’t heard a thing about this stupid controversy about whether three Memphis parks should be renamed in almost two weeks.

For those of you who think the parks should be renamed, take solace in this fact… a pigeon is probably crapping on the statue of Nathan Bedford Forrest as you read this.

Just looked at my site tracker, and my blog has had the most hits of any day this week. Unusual for a Friday, traditionally one of the slowest days. Funny how that happens when you put ho’s at the top of your page. There were a lot of hits from Autozone, which I expected (don’t forget to polish your shoes, Uniform Monday is right around the corner… snicker)… but it looks like people from Morgan Keegan like ho’s too.

Reminds me… a few weeks ago I was out at a popular downtown nightspot, and I ran into one of my neighbors, who works at Morgan Keegan. He estimated that 80% of the women in the club were hookers. I personally think his estimate was on the high side, but just in case, I’ll make sure to stop by the ATM before I go there next time, in case I see something I like.

We have a winner in the trivia contest. Thanks to everyone for playing. Check back this weekend, because I have a long article saved in Drafts that is about 90% done and will be posted soon, and I also have ideas for a couple of shorter entries. Throw alcohol into the mix, and reading this blog will be guaranteed to be the literary equivalent of taking a swim in New Orleans. Who knows, maybe I’ll do another trivia question… buying beer for the winners is going to get expensive though, maybe I’ll give away your choice of the hos’ phone numbers as a prize. Have a good weekend, and if you go to any bars downtown, you’ll probably see me.

So last night, I was talking to my friend, former student and blog reader Melanie, who was one of my ho’s for the last Pimp and Ho party…

Hang on, let’s post a pic of the ho’s.

…There ya go. Melanie is the one on the right. She’s put blond highlights in her hair since this pic was taken. She works for Autozone.

Anyway, it got me to thinking, I ran into one of the organizers of the Pimp and Ho party back in February. He told me that he was trying to organize a party that would encompass several bars, to take place in the fall, maybe September or October. Well, it’s September. Anyone out there have info? Is the party still going to happen? If so, what day, so I can put it on my calendar?

And before I go… since I’m the new trivia king, how about a trivia question.

What piercing did Melanie (see above) take out recently? E-mail answers to paul at paulryburn dot com, and put “trivia answer” in the subject line so I won’t mistake it for spam. One entry per e-mail address. First correct answer wins a reasonably priced beer ($5 or under) at the downtown Memphis Flying Saucer. Winner must collect in person. All are eligible, including Melanie herself. Good luck!

Dear George,

I’d like to try and explain the gas crisis in terms you can understand.

I’m not going to talk about single mothers, or poor people, or black people, or the elderly on fixed incomes. Instead, I’d like you to imagine, if you will, a group of fraternity guys. Can you see them, dressed in their Polo shirts, and khaki Dockers, and brown loafers, and Abercrombie & Fitch baseball caps? Imagine that they’re planning a party to be held after the big football game on Saturday.

Surely you can imagine that, George. Once upon a time you were one of those guys.

Now, here’s the tragedy. Rather than buying three kegs for the party, they’re only going to be able to afford two. And do you know why? Because they’ve spent all their money filling up their Explorers and Yukons and Tahoes and Suburbans and Pathfinders and all their other 12-mpg SUVs. SUVs that have “W the President” stickers on the back windows.

Their reputation is on the line here, George. How is their frat going to be known for “great keggers” when they run out of beer before midnight?

And that’s not all. These gas prices are really hurting them. Instead of getting Bud or Michelob like they usually do, they’re going to have to step down to Natty Light.

They may even have to forego the bottle of Everclear 151 they use to spike the beer so the sorority girls at the party will get extra drunk.

George, this is SERIOUS. I know you can’t relate to poor people or black people, but you can relate to these guys. These frat guys are SUFFERING. So please. Do something. Work with Congress. Get those gas prices down.

If you’re considering contributing to the Katrina relief effort, you might want to do it through the Memphis Grizzlies Charitable Foundation – they’ll match your donation. See details below. Thanks to my friend Amy for forwarding this info to me.

Tonight I went to the Flying Saucer for their weekly trivia contest. Competing against teams of two, three, five, even six, I signed up alone. But at the end of the night, Team Professor Paul came out on top, and I found myself holding a free bar tab. A few questions that I recall:

– How many hardcover copies of a book usually have to sell for it to be considered a bestseller? (A: 100,000, and I totally guessed on that one)

– What vitamin has been blamed for an increase in hip fractures in old people? (I guessed C, but it was A)

– How many minutes a day does the average American spend in the bathroom? (I guessed 63, thinking it must be a high number since half the population is female. But the correct answer is 35)

– How many Triple Crown winners were there in the 20th century? (Correct answer was 11, but my guess of 9 was the closest)

– What director is Drew Barrymore’s godfather? (Steven Spielberg)

I didn’t use my free bar tab tonight, because I want to take it around and show it to people and brag before I spend it. Maybe next week I’ll win another bar tab. Maybe I’ll never have to pay to drink at the Saucer again. Maybe I’ll be able to convince both of the Romanian waitresses to go to Utah with me so I can legally marry both of them.

Maybe I’ll be hung over at work tomorrow.

“Eastbound and Down’ by Jerry Reed. Particularly, the line “we’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there.” The Dempseys played it in their set Friday night and it got stuck in my head. I went home and downl- er, bought it, and I’ve been playing it over and over.

Country music from the ’60s-’70s is actually not bad at all. Maybe I’ll have to pick up that Classic Country box set I see on TV from time to time.