Last Sunday, while having brunch at the Blue Monkey downtown, a guy sat next to me at the bar, told me he was neither a Democrat nor Republican, then proceeded to spend two hours offering his unsolicited opinion why George W. Bush is the greatest president ever. Here’s an excerpt from the conversation.
Him: I’ll tell you why we should support the president. Kerry is weak on defense. No one will buy him as commander in chief. We can’t change horses in midstream. This is war. We have to re-elect George Bush because he will continue to invade countries and spread democracy to the rest of the world. (no kidding, he really said this)
Me: Like North Korea and Syria and Iran?
Him: Absolutely. George W. wants to spread democracy to everyone in the world.
Me: I see. So Bush believes that his form of government is the best in the world, and he wants everyone in the world to be able to experience it, at any cost.
Him: Exactly! You’ve got it.
Me: Well, in the ’60s Fidel Castro thought his form of government was the best, and he sent expeditions into South America to spread it. How is that any different from what Bush is doing?
Him: You’re not listening. We’re talking democracy here. There are women in Afghanistan who can vote now. They can go to school. They have the right to do whatever they want, as long as it doesn’t hurt anybody else. That’s democracy.
Me: That’s democracy?
Him: That’s democracy.
Me: Well, why then, not in Afghanistan but in this country, does Bush oppose allowing two men to marry each other? They’re not hurting anyone. If we truly have a democracy here, I’d think Bush would be for it.
Him: Again, you’re not listening. Let me ask you something. (points at the bartender) Do you want to see me and her have sex?
Me: (as bartender moves as far away as possible) I don’t even know how to answer that question.
Him: That’s right. Because you have no answers. That’s what the world would be like if we allowed gay men to marry. People having sex in public. I’ll give you an example of democracy. Remember 1980? Iran was holding our citizens hostage and Jimmy Carter couldn’t do a thing about it. Ronald Reagan said, I’ll get those hostages free if I have to kill every person in Iran, if I have to blow them off the map.
Me: He really said that? I was just a kid but I don’t remember that.
Him: Reagan said it. And that’s why we kicked Carter’s ass and elected Reagan. He won the war against Iran. And it was a war, believe me.
Me: But I thought you said Americans shouldn’t change horses in midstream in time of war. If that were the case in 1980, it seems like you would have supported Carter.
Him: You’re not listening…
(After two more hours of blabbering, he paid his bill. He had previously paid a $40 tab, tipping NOTHING. However, he enjoyed talking to me so much that he re-opened his tab and drank an additional $21 worth of beers during our conversation, again tipping NOTHING. And then he proceeded to walk outside, having drank 10 beers in the past 3 hours, and he drove his car home.)
I think the Bush campaign should make this guy a spokesman. He embodies the intelligence, common sense, and people skills that Bush, Cheney, and Rumsfeld are known for.