Mail bag

(I really do have several serious journal entries in the works, saved as drafts right now. But the spam coming in is just too funny to resist comment, so you get this instead. All of these are real e-mails I have received in the past week.

Subj: Add up to 4 inches

Last time I opened the mail bag, I mentioned that a man named D1ck Gr(o)wth had been e-mailing me with this subject, apparently expressing concern that I’m going to add up to 4 inches to my waistline if I keep drinking the way I have been lately. Well now, his brother C0;ck Gr(o)wth is e-mailing me too. What a wonderful family the Gr(o)wths are. Mrs. Gr(o)wth must be very proud to have raised two sons like D1ck and C0;ck that are so concerned with the welfare of others. And Mrs. Gr(o)wth must be quite independent-minded too; you don’t often meet people who use numbers as well as letters in their children’s names.

Subj: Make sure instead of 7 best she likes you first

Now, here’s something completely different, an ad for a penis enlargement system. And timely too. You see, last month there was this girl I really, really liked. Trouble was, someone so beautiful and popular was bound to attract a lot of guys, so I was bound to have competition. There were 10 of us, as a matter of fact, vying for her affection.

So one Saturday she invited us all over to her place. “Okay, boys, drop your pants,” she said, and then she got out the ruler. I came in as the 7th longest of the 10 guys. Needless to say, I was not the one selected to spend a romantic Valentine’s Day with her. I’m going to order the enlargement system mentioned in the e-mail to make sure that never happens again. Thank God for the Internet, huh?

Subj: don’t be an asshole Eileen

1980s rock band Dexy’s Midnight Runners has finally released the sequel to their smash hit “Come On Eileen.” And what great timing! I just opened a Mountain Dew and discovered under the cap that I had won a free song download from iTunes. I’ll log on in a few minutes and download “don’t be an asshole Eileen.” Hopefully it’ll be as good as the original.

And that’ll do it for the mail bag this time folks!