Time to dip into the mail. Looks like we have a lot of correspondence this week.
Subj: does it squirm and not squirt
You know, where was this e-mail message in 1988? Back then, I was trying to wash the car, using the garden hose in the back yard. But somehow it had got a pebble stuck in it, and it did exactly what the message implied: it squirmed and never squirted. We eventually had to throw it away and go to Wal-Mart Garden Center and get a new hose. Too bad we didn’t have e-mail back then; perhaps we could have salvaged it.
Subj: naughty granny gets crazy on camera
You know, I remember a time when my grandmother went absolutely crazy. The garbage man had taken an alternate route in his truck and missed our street altogether. So, the bags of garbage stayed out on the curb all night, and the neighborhood cats got into them, leaving trash spread all over the yard. The next morning, my grandmother called the city to complain, and “crazy” was a good word to describe how angry she was. I thought she was somehow going to crawl through the phone line and rip the customer service rep’s heart out. We should have rented a video camera and recorded her, as this message suggests; now that Grandmama is gone, it would be a wonderful way to remember her as she was.
Subj: Find a Fuck Friend without leaving your home
Since this says, “without leaving your home,” I’m assuming this was sent by one of my neighbors in the building, although the return address of x3gq182ohp@hotmail.com doesn’t ring a bell. But, I gotta ask… DON’T YOU THINK YOU’RE BEING A BIT FORWARD? I mean, come on, at least buy me dinner first.
…Oh, who am I kidding, the dinner probably isn’t necessary. Just come on over, naked, and bring liquor. Oh, bring some strawberries too, we can make chocolate-covered strawberries in my fondue pot. Note: disregard if you are ugly, or a guy
Subj: Your e-mail account has been disabled
This message came with a form for me to fill out, asking for information like my birth date and Social Security number, to get my account turned back on. But, first, I have a question… how would I have gotten this message if my e-mail account had really been disabled?
Subj: exquisite cherry piddle speaker Jack
10 o’clock pizza feature scooter icing on the dusty billboards. Grilled sheep lighting violets south asphalt oranges. Effervescent tube top parking dogs in the Space Needle. thinking, speaker phone showers, she said. Semolina pilchard climbing up the Eiffel Tower. I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus, GOOB GOOB GA JOOB!
Subj: very important e-mail
From: sk809hwub7dsf@yahoo.com
*delete*
Subj: very important e-mail
From: Marilyn Ryburn
Probably telling me I should get a haircut, or dress more professionally, or go to church more often.
*delete*
Subj: Hows it hangin, get the lowest m0rtg-age qu;otes here dafgqbvnm
Now I can tell this is a legit e-mail, because they started off with the traditional greeting used in the mortgage industry, “hows it hangin.”
Back when I was in sales, I was a member of a networking group that included a mortgage lender. One day he gave a presentation about his work. “The greeting ‘hows it hangin’ builds rapport with customers and lets them know that you’re serious about doing business. Studies indicate that lenders who open with this greeting close an average of 23% more loans.”
And, this must be a very creative company, based on their spelling of “mortgage quotes.” Bet they have some creative lending options to get me into that new home of my dreams.
Well, folks, that’s the mail bag for this week. Back soon with more Pulitzer-quality prose for your reading enjoyment.