Welcome to the first day of October, which for Tennesseans is the first day of the smoking ban in almost all public businesses. This includes all restaurants and bars, except for those which have decided to exclude everyone under 21 (this means employees as well as patrons).
When the bill was in the legislature, I wasn’t sure I was totally in favor of it, since 80% of my friends smoke. But, as a nonsmoker, now that I’ve hung out in a few places that have broken the new law in over the past few months, I’m completely, totally in support of it. Being able to breathe clean, fresh air without having to cough every 15 seconds or so has been WONDERFUL. Nonsmokers like me have been forced to accommodate people’s nicotine addictions for years and years; now smokers get to go out of their way to accommodate us.
Of course, this law will have negative implications for nonsmokers as well: If you’re a nonsmoker at a bar, you’re the one who will be asked to hold everyone’s seats while the 15 people seated around you go outside to smoke.
To this end, I want to inform everyone that I am adopting the following rules, starting today, when I’m out at a bar or restaurant and smokers ask me to hold their seats:
1) I will only hold the seats to my immediately left and right. Seats farther away than that are fair game.
2) If hot babes come up and ask if the seats to my immediate left and right are taken, those seats are fair game too.
3) I will hold the seats to my left and right for a maximum of five minutes.
Smokers, welcome to your new smoking section: Outside. Normally I’m not a fan of cold weather, but I’m hoping for the coldest winter on record this year, so that smokers can chill out while they indulge in their filthy, nasty, disgusting habit.