“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
“WOOOOOO! WOOOOOOO!”
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”
Ah, the mating call of the American Douchebag in the wild. Most prominently heard the first week of May.
I started yesterday at the Saucer, where I got a Mexi-beer update: Dos Equis Lager will still be on tap throughout the weekend, then they’ll switch it out with Pacifico. Bartender Drew almost didn’t believe me when I told him about the planned switch – he didn’t think Pacifico was available in kegs. But he went to the back and looked, and sure enough, there it was.
In other Saucer news, a couple of regulars have offered to pay the entry fee if the Saucer will field a team for Wine Race next year. Oh my God please please please make this happen. It will be a shitshow the size of Mt. Everest. Well, the grape stomp, the wine relay and especially the parade will be shitshows. Queen of the Vine, however, they have a good shot at winning if they enter the contestant they told me they would.
I walked over to the Blind Bear to watch the Grizzlies game. Great place to watch, although I have to call douche on the entire right side of the bar for switching to the Ole Miss baseball game during commercials. Is that really necessary?
Unfortunately the Grizzlies lost, but the game ended in time for me to get to the Brass Door for their Derby Day special: A Kentucky brown.
It was very good, although it was a little different than the hot browns I had when I was in Lexington. I had to go there to teach several corporate classes at IBM. Other than the training facility itself, which positively sucked, I loved Lexington. I found a little diner near Downtown that served hot browns and had some of the cheapest drink specials in the city. I remember getting two gin and tonics for $1.75 total. Granted that was 13 years ago, but still, that’s dirt cheap even for 1999.
After that, I returned to the Saucer, where Amy asked me to take a photo of all the Hostess products the girls have stashed away.
Good Lord. Those girls had to be bouncing off the walls on a sugar high by the end of their shifts.
Around 9 I decided to go home and take a nap. I was getting real irritated with someone I’d been texting, someone who has the potential to be a tube top superstar but who won’t put one on because she’s “as white as Casper.” Here’s an idea: If you go out in the sun for a while, you won’t be white anymore. It’s not rocket science. Humans have been doing it for 2 million years. I even offered the use of my rooftop for suntanning, 16 stories up so hardly anyone would see her. “If I come over you have to wear sunglasses that will cover up how pasty I am,” she replied. Oh for heaven’s sake. I decided a nap would get me in a better frame of mind after arguing with her about tube tops. So I woke up about 11:30 and heard
“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”
and decided not to go back out.
One thing I didn’t do, that I usually do on Music Fest Saturday: Go down to Beale and mess with the religious freaks. Every year this ultra-evangelical church from Tulsa shows up with huge banners, handing out pocket comic books, getting on bullhorns saying we’re all going to hell because we drink and fornicate. I like to get a Call-a-Cab from Wet Willie’s and drink it in front of the leader of the group. I’ve been doing it since 2002 and I think he kind of looks for me every year. I need to get down there and see him today.
I just went on my morning Mountain Dew run to City Market, and I see that Los Bummies are already out in force. Please don’t give panhandlers money! Most of the ones who approach you are professionals who do this for a living, and who are not in need (except maybe for being in need of ’bout five dolla so they can score a crack rock). If you want to help those who truly need it, the Hospitality HUB would be a great place to make a donation.
Okay, now tube top argument girl has texted me a photo of herself in a tube top. I’m still not at all confident she’ll actually wear it out in public, though.
I’m up fairly early so I guess I’ll go to brunch at the Majestic at 11. I doubt we’ll see John D, namesake of John D’s breakfast, who will probably stay in Midtown and smartly avoid the Music Fest crowd. That’s okay, he has Slider Inn, an excellent place to spend a Sunday. I’m undecided whether the Saucer or the Goose will be my 12:00 stop. Normally the Saucer is my preference, but the Goose’s patio has a lot of appeal too. If I don’t go to the Saucer Christina will be tweeting “where’s @paulryburn” by 12:45. In any event, my goal for today is to get so wasted that I don’t notice all the “WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”ing that will be going on outside my window tonight.
Time to get this party started! Bars don’t open for another hour, so I guess I’ll pop open a PBR at home.