Get your butts out of here

Earlier this morning I posted about the State of Tennessee’s new smoking ban, which covers most restaurants and bars. I believe that making smoking indoors illegal will cause an increase in another type of crime: littering.

I’m typing this post from the Second Street branch office, aka The Flying Saucer. I live approximately a quarter mile away from the Saucer. On the way down here, I counted the number of cigarette butts that people had carelessly tossed on the sidewalks.

Any guesses as to how many I counted, on my approximately four-block walk?

By the way, I counted only the cig butts within approximately the six feet of my line of sight, not all of the butts on the sidewalks of both sides of the streets. So, really, the number I came up with only reflects a portion of the true number of cigarette butts along my route.

Any guesses?

My route, if it matters, was down Main Street from my apartment building near Madison, south to Union, left on Union, down Union to Second, right on Second, south on Second to the Saucer.

Any final guesses?

OK, I’ll tell you.

445.

FOUR HUNDRED FORTY FIVE. There were so many of them I lost count several times and had to double back and check my count. I looked like legendary Downtown homeless person Scratchy, staring down at the sidewalk and mumbling to myself.

It made me realize something. The main reason I hate smoking is not that it’s a nasty habit. It’s not that it’s an unhealthy habit.

It’s that it’s an OBNOXIOUS habit.

Smokers – not all, but many, probably it would be safe to say, most – treat the world as their ashtray. They’ll finish a cigarette in their car and toss it out the window. They’ll take a smoke break at work and toss the butt on the sidewalk. They’ll have a smoke on their balcony and then toss it over the side.

And that’s just one of the ways in which smoking is obnoxious. Another, obviously, is that smokers expect the rest of the world to be okay with the cancer-causing chemicals they release as they indulge their habit. They expect the people behind them at Walgreens or Circle K to wait and wait and wait as the cashier looks for the EXACT kind of cigs they want – menthol, lights, 100s, soft pack. No, wait, I mean, hard pack. No, the extra talls. Do you have any lighters with that? Oh, you don’t? Do you sell matches? Nonsmoker who hangs out with a group of smokers? Congratulations, you’ll get to play the role of the asshole holding an entire row of empty seats for seemingly nobody, because all your friends have gone outside to smoke (unless you’re like me and have publicly stated that you won’t do it).

You know, thinking about it, farting in public makes more sense as a socially acceptable behavior than smoking in public does. But there isn’t a billion-dollar industry buying every conceivable type of ad to convince you how cool farting is.

Anyway, getting back to the issue of all the cigarette butts on the streets: I’d like to see the nonsmoking law supplemented with a new, tougher littering law: $1,000 for first offense of failure to dispose of cigarette butts in a proper receptacle, jail time for second and subsequent offenses. I’d also like to suggest a $250 “Crime Stoppers” reward for anyone who captures a smoker littering via video camera or cell phone video, where the video leads to a successful conviction.

I’m making a lot of friends today huh?

If you don’t believe me about the number of cigarette butts I counted: Take a walk this evening and see for yourself. ESPECIALLY Downtown. I’m serious, I did NOT make that number up, although I admit it may be off by a dozen or so, high or low, because I kept losing count.

More posts to come this afternoon.

Daily News story: Cafe Francisco closes

I mentioned that I heard a rumor this weekend that Cafe Francisco in the Pinch District had closed its doors for good. My contact at the Memphis Daily News was kind enough to send my a link to a story his paper did on Francisco’s closing last Wednesday. Owner Julie Ray notes that the neighborhood has been in a holding pattern for years – it’s impossible to get anything moving until the city figures out what to do with the Pyramid. This, of course, can be blamed on King Willie, who has been in negotiations with Bass Pro Shops for three years, and who has refused to hear proposals on alternative uses for the arena. One more reason why this city would be better off without Willie as mayor.

Got lots more to blog about today – or tomorrow, if I don’t have time to get to it all. Topics include

  • Cheap beer, 2-for-1 appetizers, and Mikey the Monk
  • How to make Chinese people laugh at you
  • Burgers for bums
  • Why the new anti-smoking law will cause another type of crime to rise

Most likely I’ll be working from the Second Street branch office this afternoon, and hope to have time to get some or all of these posts in.

Don’t forget about Monday Night Football at EP Delta Kitchen tonight – free chili dogs, free hot wings, free fried mushrooms, beer specials, biggest HDTV in Memphis.

Smokers: Welcome to MY world

Welcome to the first day of October, which for Tennesseans is the first day of the smoking ban in almost all public businesses. This includes all restaurants and bars, except for those which have decided to exclude everyone under 21 (this means employees as well as patrons).

When the bill was in the legislature, I wasn’t sure I was totally in favor of it, since 80% of my friends smoke. But, as a nonsmoker, now that I’ve hung out in a few places that have broken the new law in over the past few months, I’m completely, totally in support of it. Being able to breathe clean, fresh air without having to cough every 15 seconds or so has been WONDERFUL. Nonsmokers like me have been forced to accommodate people’s nicotine addictions for years and years; now smokers get to go out of their way to accommodate us.

Of course, this law will have negative implications for nonsmokers as well: If you’re a nonsmoker at a bar, you’re the one who will be asked to hold everyone’s seats while the 15 people seated around you go outside to smoke.

To this end, I want to inform everyone that I am adopting the following rules, starting today, when I’m out at a bar or restaurant and smokers ask me to hold their seats:

1) I will only hold the seats to my immediately left and right. Seats farther away than that are fair game.

2) If hot babes come up and ask if the seats to my immediate left and right are taken, those seats are fair game too.

3) I will hold the seats to my left and right for a maximum of five minutes.

Smokers, welcome to your new smoking section: Outside. Normally I’m not a fan of cold weather, but I’m hoping for the coldest winter on record this year, so that smokers can chill out while they indulge in their filthy, nasty, disgusting habit.

Sunday update

– Well, I never made it to the Ptolemy party at Earnestine & Hazel’s last night. I ran into the gang at the Saucer about 5 and we shot pool for a few hours and I drank 3 beers. My tab (counting tip) there was $12.25, and I thought to myself, “Do I really want to spend another $35?” I had only heard from one Downtowner who was considering going, and I texted him. He replied that he wasn’t going. I was undecided… it felt to me like there was a 50% chance the party would be a lot of fun, and a 50% chance that it would suck. I went home and changed into some clean clothes, then walked down Main Street. As I reached Pearl’s Oyster House – where the gang had relocated by that time – I decided it wasn’t worth it to spend $35 on a 50% chance of a good time, when I could go in Pearl’s, spend a few dollars, hang out with my friends and have a 100% chance of a good time. I ended up in a condo in the South Main area, watching most of the college football Top 10 get decimated.

– I’ve heard a couple of rumors this weekend that Cafe Francisco is closing. Sad to see that place go… it was a good place to take the laptop and work, and they had some good sandwiches and platters on their menu.

New poll in the CA today: King Willie 24%, Carol Chumney 19%, Herman Morris 19%. Because of the poll’s margin of error, the race is considered too close to call. Note that 38% of those polled were undecided, refused to divulge who they were voting for, or were voting for a fringe candidate. I really have no idea who’s going to win this one.

– Lots of stuff to write about this week. Tomorrow I’ll post about the new smoking ban. Wednesday I have a big announcement. Thursday is election day. Friday is the one-year anniversary of the infamous “47 and change” incident, and is also the grand re-opening of Raiford’s. Plus, who knows what else I’ll find to write about? Check back often.

Saturday update

– I found this video on a web page yesterday, and for some reason I’m absolutely addicted to it. I’ve watched it like ten times now. (Warning: This is an absolute waste of three minutes of your life. Some of you may have seen it before – it’s a fairly popular YouTube video)

I think there’s some kind of biting social commentary in there, with the black sheep suffering consequences for not dancing the way the other sheep dance, then finding ways to eliminate the conformist sheep and do what he wants.

– Trolley Tour last night was outstanding. Perfect weather, lots of people. A bunch of us hung out in front of Mikey’s condo on South Main, drank beer, and people-watched.

After Trolley Tour ended, I stopped by the Saucer, but got tired of it by the end of my first beer. The place started to fill up with meatheads, as it usually does on weekend nights, and I didn’t want to be there. I remembered that my friends Crash Kole and Smokin’ Lemon were playing at the Tap Room, so I headed down there.

Only the second time this year that I’ve been to the Tap Room, or on Beale at all, on a weekend night. Odd, considering just two years ago I hung out at the Tap Room more than I did the Saucer, but that was before Beale started getting all thugged out on the weekends. Actually, last night it wasn’t bad at all. My mug was still hanging in the same spot, friendly bartender who I remember from past places I’ve hung out. So I had it filled with PBR and sat and enjoyed the show. I forgot how much I enjoy the Tap Room. I need to start hanging out there again.

– Today: No idea what I’ll do between now and the time the party at E&H starts at 7:30. I may wander down and catch the end of Farmers’ Market in a little while. After that, probably cleaning the apartment, changing burnt-out light bulbs and exciting stuff like that.

From 7:30 on I’ll be at Earnestine & Hazel’s. $35 cover – beer, shots, food, music. Come on out if you’re looking for something to do.

– Back to the Majestic for brunch tomorrow, as we begin the first week of their “two weeks on, two weeks off.” We’ll be there until about 1:00 or when John D finishes his “Pain in the Ass Breakfast,” whichever is later, then head over to the Saucer.

Today’s your last day to early vote, so if you haven’t done it yet, better get it out of the way today in order to avoid standing in line Thursday. Several people have told me my blog convinced them to vote for Herman Morris. All right! Go Herman!!!

Pic: The largest HDTV in town

Tonight I went to EP’s and saw their new TV, the largest HDTV in town. The managers told me its dimensions are 15 feet by 9 feet.


If you look carefully (click the pic for a full-sized image above) you’ll see how tiny the band equipment looks in comparison to the TV. The TV literally takes up the entire stage.

This Monday night: MNF on that TV, beer specials, free chili dogs, free fried mushrooms, free hot wings.

One of the bartenders and I decided: They should put some recliners on the dance floor on Mondays and sell season tickets. As much as I love my waitresses at the Saucer, it looks like they won’t see a whole lot of me on Pint Nite until January.

Party Saturday night at Earnestine & Hazel’s

The Ptolemy carnival crew is throwing a party Saturday night at Earnestine & Hazel’s. The theme is going to be doing it old-school, debauchery like we did in college, with beer, shots, soul burgers and music. The cover is $35 for the public, free for Ptolemy members. Hmmm… this party sounds custom-made for Downtowners. Check Philip’s blog for more info, as Philip is a Ptolemy member and knows all the details. There’s a very good chance Ptolemy Kat will be at this event as well, chasing the RSVP photographer around.

Most likely I’m going to go to this. The other big party in town Saturday night is The Pat Kerr Tigrett Show, also known as The Blues Ball, too expensive for my tastes.

Tomorrow night, of course, is South Main Trolley Tour. A bunch of us Downtowners will be hanging out outside one of the condos in between Huling and Nettleton, on the same block as Jay Etkin Gallery.

Drunk post

So, if you have 7 beers at the Saucer (Flying Dogtoberfest – it was the fire sale) you have two options:

1) call it a night
2) walk to Rio Loco, order shrimp fajita nachos and a jumbo margarita, then go back to the Saucer and drink more beer

Guess which option I chose.

This worked well last year, so let’s try it again…

An e-mail I received Monday brought back memories. A quick story…

In early September of last year, I received an e-mail inviting me to a party to be held on the last Wednesday night of the month. This event is known to be one of the most fun parties of the year, thrown by a major Memphis print media publication, with food from the very best of the city’s restaurants, open bar, Blue Moon and another good beer (can’t remember what it was) on tap. I had been to the 2003 version of this party and it was an absolute blast, so I was excited.

Not long after receiving the invitation, I made my morning run to Walgreens for Mountain Dew. Coming out of Walgreens was a girl who, at the time, I thought was pretty hot. So I asked her if she wanted to go. She said sure, but she needed to wait until her schedule came out to be sure she had the night off. Fair enough, I thought. She worked in the service industry and wouldn’t know her schedule weeks in advance.

Over the next two weeks, I saw her a couple of times and in each case she still expressed interest in going, but stressed that she was unsure of her schedule. “I’ll let you know,” she said. During this time frame I started to notice the way she treated people, the way she always had many, many guys hanging around her, and the way she evaded questions she didn’t want to answer. I began to get the sense that she was something of a flaya (female playa).

A week and a day before the big party, I stopped by the bar where she worked to have lunch. After waiting 40 minutes for her to bring me my check (in addition to being a flaya, she was a pretty horrible waitress – I had to write it up on my time sheet as an hour and a half lunch), I again inquired about the party. “Well,” she said, taking a little longer than normal to respond, “…… I still do not know my schedule yet. … But, I will let you know.”

By this point I was pretty well convinced that “I’ll let you know” meant, “The party sounds like fun and I’d like to go, but I don’t want to say ‘yes’ so I can keep my options open in case a better offer comes along for that night. Also, I don’t want to say ‘no’ because then you might invite someone else, and I don’t want you thinking about any woman but me.”

I had an ace in the hole – I was friends with almost all of her co-workers. So that evening, I came back to the bar and pulled one of my favorite servers there aside. “Got a question for you,” I asked. “Have you guys been given your schedules for next week?”

“Yes,” she said. “Our schedules came out a few days ago, for the next four weeks.” Then she smiled and added, “Oh, I bet you want to know when (the flaya) is working. Want me to get my schedule and show it to you?”

“No, that won’t be necessary,” I told her, and thanked her. “You’ve given me all the information I need.”

That night I went home and made a post to my blog, where I had already mentioned the big party a couple of times. “I had a date lined up for the party, but her invitation has been revoked,” I wrote. “So if I have any secret admirers out there, now would be a good time to reveal yourself.”

Two days later I hit the Saucer to catch the Dempseys. After their first set ended, a cute blonde sitting on one of the benches called me over. She introduced herself and told me she was a regular reader of my blog. We talked for a few minutes and she had this look on her face like she was trying to work up the nerve to say something. Finally she did. “…. So, that big party you have coming up….. do you have a date for it yet?” Based on the few minutes we had talked, she seemed like she’d be pretty fun to hang out with, she didn’t seem like a psycho, and she was pretty hot, so I asked her to come with me to the party.

I didn’t even bother to tell the flaya that her invitation had been revoked… but someone must have alerted her to my blog, because when I came in her bar the following Monday, she didn’t even speak to me, just scowled at me from across the room. “She looks like she wants you to die,” commented a friend. For the rest of the time she worked there, she wouldn’t speak or even smile when I was around, up until the time she quit her job and she mysteriously starting acting nice to me again on her last night… but that’s another story for another post.

Wednesday arrived, met up with cute blonde and we went to the party and we had an awesome time. She was interesting to talk to and a lot of fun. Definitely somebody I would have been interested in seeing again, but it was not to be… three days after the party, she was set to move out of town, to take a job in another city.

Nevertheless, we had a great time. A great party was even better, thanks to her company.

Anyway, here’s my point in telling this story. I received an e-mail telling me that I’m invited to this year’s version of same party, with 4 bands, free food from the best restaurants in town, open bar, good beer on tap. It will be held on the evening of Wednesday, October 3.

Once again, I find myself wondering, “Who the hell am I going to ask to this thing?”

So, if I have any secret admirers out there, now would be a good time to reveal yourself. You can reach me via the e-mail link under my picture.

Tentative plans for tonight:

  • I may do the happy hour appetizer thing at Daily Grill again, around 5:30. I haven’t decided for sure yet though.
  • I’ll be at “Bands, Beer, and Bums” at Court Square by 7. Tonight’s band: Reba Russell. With one of the most well-known acts Downtown and great weather (high 82, low 66), I’m looking for a big turnout tonight (if it doesn’t rain).
  • After that, most likely the Saucer for a little while. I believe Kings of the Delta will be playing tonight, at 9:30. It’s Oktoberfest “Buy the Beer, Keep the Glass” night. Why can’t they have “Buy the Beer, Keep the Waitress” night?

Waiting on a project to be finalized, so not a lot of work to do today. I may hit the U of M campus this afternoon and visit some old friends there.

Tuesday update

– Mayoral candidate Herman Morris has proposed a “green” use for the Pyramid. He suggested that the city could install a photo-energy cell farm on the empty arena to generate electricity, reducing the city’s need for a coal-burning plant in South Memphis. The Daily News has more details (you’ll need to scroll down, it’s the third story).

– Speaking of the mayoral race and other local elections, I had an idea this morning… the concept of negative votes. What if voters were given the option of voting FOR a particular candidate, adding 1 vote to that person’s total, or voting AGAINST a candidate, which would subtract 1 from that person’s total? Seems like that would be a more accurate way for voters to express their true sentiments. I know there are a lot of people in this city who haven’t made up their mind between Morris, Chumney, and the other candidates, but they’re dead-set against Willie. In a race with more than two candidates this could be a really effective way to measure the will of the people.

It could even be taken to a national level. For example, in 2004 I wasn’t all that excited about John Kerry, and would’ve voted against Bush rather than for Kerry if I had the option of negative voting. Then again, in a two-person race I don’t know that it would make a lot of difference.

– According to the CA, early voters are hitting the polls in record numbers. There have been almost 30,000 votes cast so far and it’s estimated that early voting may make up 30-50% of the total. Early voting ends this Saturday, September 29. Have you voted yet? Here’s a list of early-voting locations, and you can vote at any of them, whereas on October 4 you have to go to your assigned polling place.

– Did anyone make it to EP Delta Kitchen for Monday Night Football last night? If you do, shoot me an e-mail and let me know what you thought of it. I was going to head down there, but I was at the Saucer and a friend who was having a birthday showed up, so I had to buy him a birthday beer. Then my opponents on the pool table kept buying my partner and me beers, and I certainly wasn’t going to turn that down!

– Tonight’s trivia night… we’ll see if The Rapscallions can get their third consecutive first-place victory. Last week we had a record 21 people on our team, and we took up an entire rail (the rail is designed to seat 6… the poor waitress had her hands full). The team sitting at the table behind us was blatantly trying to overhear our answers. This week I’m going to try to get there early enough to grab the other rail, which isn’t near any tables.

– For those of you who think East Bumblefuck is so much safer than Downtown, here’s a story from Eyewitness News about a woman who was carjacked in Cordova. It happened at the Kroger on Macon Road at 7:30 AM, and the carjacker fled with her child still in the car.

… And that’s all I’ve got for now. Time to get some work done.