Two political events worth a look

This is very short notice…these events will happen tomorrow, Wednesday, August 4, but I still want to mention them.

At 4 pm, John Edwards will hold a rally on Beale Street. Not sure exactly where, but I assume it will be at the Budweiser Pavilion at the corner of Beale and Third. I caught Edwards’ speech at the Democratic convention last week on TV, and was mighty impressed. If interested in attending, you need a ticket – you can get one online here –

From 5:30 to 8:30, Mpact Memphis will be hosting an Mpact the Vote after-hours at BB King’s club at Second and Beale. This is nonpartisan – Democrats, Republicans, and everyone else are welcome. Bring your voter registration card, or register there, to be eligible for door prizes. Kirk Smithhart will perform, and local politicians seeking office will be there to meet and greet. There’s no charge to get in, so come on down!

I will be at both of these events. Hope to see you there.

Gratitude and thanks, Part II: Teaching children about gratitude

(You might want to read Part 1 of this post – the journal entry immediately below this one – before reading Part 2.)

Right now, I want to put all of you on notice. If one day I have children, and you choose to send them presents, they will NOT be required to send you thank-you notes in return.

That does not mean that I will raise them to be ungrateful slobs. And they may well choose to express their thanks, but it will not be because I told them they had to. Allow me to explain…

When I was a little boy, I found that there were people who would come to visit me, give me nice toys for my birthday and Christmas, simply because they liked me. Wow! What wonderful people! How fortunate I was to have people like them in my life!

Then, around age five, I made a mistake. I learned how to write. And then I found that I was required to write thank-you notes to the people who sent me Christmas presents. Suddenly communicating with these friends and relatives was no longer a joy; it had become a bother. And I put it off and put it off. “PAUL…it’s January 26 and you STILL haven’t written Grandpop and Nana to thank them for the toy rocket they sent you for Christmas. I want you to write them TONIGHT.” To which I responded with a sigh and a resolve to get it out of the way as quickly as possible. Christmas presents were never quite as sweet after that. They were no longer spontaneous gestures that said, “Paul, we like you.” They were the source of an obligation that I was required to fulfill.

So, how would I handle it differently? Well, first of all, I’d teach my kids that one of the best things in life – even more rewarding and fulfilling than getting a new toy – is taking advantage of an opportunity to make someone else feel good. That would be the base on which I’d build. If you install the right beliefs, the behaviors should naturally follow, with a little guidance.

So let’s say that little Nipsey’s grandmother (I’ve always thought that if I had a son, I might name him Nipsey) sent him a toy piano for Christmas. What I’d do is encourage him to use it, enjoy it. And as he played, I’d remind him where the piano came from. “Wow, Nipsey, what’s that song you’re playing? It sounds really good! I bet your grandmother would be so proud of you. That’s why she gave you that piano, because she wanted you to have fun with it.”

Then I’d encourage him to find his own reasons to express his gratitude. “Hey, you know what we could do? We could call your grandmother on the telephone and you could play your new song for her. If we held the phone close to the piano she’d be able to hear it. I bet that would make her SO happy! What do you think, do you want to?” And if he said yes – we’d make the call. If he didn’t want to (THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT) I wouldn’t press him, realizing there will be more opportunities in the future to nudge him in the right direction.

Or, alternately: “Hey, Nipsey, you just learned to write in school, didn’t you? Yeah, writing is really good, because it gives you a way to tell people what you’re thinking. Hey, I have an idea! Let’s write your grandmother a letter and tell her about all the songs you’ve been playing on the piano she gave you for Christmas. Want to?” And again, I’d accept his decision either way, although I’d probably be getting out pencil and paper as I asked, to encourage him to want to.

This reminds me one of the most overused, stupid commands I hear parents say to their kids over and over and over again: “Say thank you.” (Or, alternately, “what do you say?”) A nice man gives the kid a cookie. “Say thank you.” And then the kid does what’s expected and says “thank you” and all the adults smile and comment on what a fine young man he’s becoming. But has he really learned what “thank you” means? Or has he simply repeated the rote response that he knows will earn his parents’ approval?

What I propose to do is simply to lead by example. I’ll make a point of saying “thank you” to everyone who does a courtesy to me. Children being curious as they are, hopefully at some point the kid will ask, “Daddy, why do you say ‘thank you’ to people?” If he doesn’t ask, I’ll look for chances to bring it up.

“When someone does something nice for you, it makes them happy if you say ‘thank you’ to them. It lets them know that you appreciate what they did. It makes them feel good. And it’s important to make other people feel good, isn’t it? Here, tell you what, let’s try it out. In a minute, I’ll give you a cookie, and you say ‘thank you.’ You ready? Here you go.”

“Thank you.”

“Now, see? That made me really happy. Now I know that you appreciate the cookie. Hey, you want to play a game?” (Hopefully the kid will say “Yeah!” What kid doesn’t like games?) “I’m going to touch my nose…like…this. See? That’s going to be our secret signal that only you and I know about. Now, the next time someone does something really nice for you, I’ll give you the signal, and then you can say ‘thank you’ and notice how happy it makes them. Sound good?”


“And you know the really awesome thing? After we practice it a few times, you won’t even need me to give the signal anymore. You’ll be saying ‘thank you’ all on your own. And then you’ll be grown up.”

See the difference? The kid will be choosing on his own to say thank you. And he’ll choose to do it out of a sense of joy and expression and fun and connecting with other people. Whereas, most kids are taught to “say thank you” out of a sense of obedience and obligation.

Now, one problem would come up – it will probably take my kids longer to learn to say “thank you” on their own, because they’ll have to find their own reasons to do it – rather than being sternly ordered to. So, for a while, the other parents might think poorly of me because my kids don’t seem to have good manners. And you know what? That’s just too darn bad for them. I’m more interested in my kids’ development than their opinions of me.

And that’s basically it – install the proper beliefs about gratitude and the desired behaviors will follow. Pretty simple, huh? Of course, I don’t have kids. Comments from parents? Would this work?

The true meaning of gratitude

One of the things I’ve been thinking about recently, especially since I’ve been reading the Conversations with God series of books, is what gratitude, i.e. thanking someone, really means.

At the end of last month I was in Little Rock, for my mother’s hip surgery.  The day after it happened, she was in a lot of pain – she hurt from the surgery and was quite tired.  But part of what was stressing her out was not physical at all – one of her friends had sent her flowers, and my mother couldn’t figure out how to use the phone system to call out and thank her.  (The phone system in the hospital was something else – I couldn’t get it to consistently dial out either.)  But it bothered me that, when she needed to be focusing all her energy on getting well, she was literally worrying herself sick over this perceived duty to a friend.

It made me think of something I read in the CWG books, and something I had heard from a couple of wise people I know – most people minsunderstand the concept of gratitude.  They believe that a person should be grateful out of obligation.  If someone does something nice for you, you are obligated to thank them, to show them your gratitude.  Lots of people believe this.  I was raised to believe it growing up, but it never made sense to me so it didn’t stick.

The way I see it, a thank-you had already been given in this circumstance – not by my mother, but by the friend who sent the flowers.  My mother provided an opportunity for those around her to express their love and care and concern.  The friend was grateful for this opportunity, and responded with a thank-you gift of flowers.  Therefore, a thank-you in return from my mother was unnecessary – if anything, a “you’re welcome” was in order.  But it seems to me that the best “you’re welcome” would have been for my mother to bask in the good feelings her friend intended, and draw on those positive feelings to get better.

Interpreted this way, gratefulness arises out of opportunity rather than obligation.  That’s one thing the Conversations with God books stress – that the best relationships, the ones that really work, are the ones that are based on opportunity for both people involved to grow and experience and create – not the relationships based on obligation, which tend to become limiting and stifling.

I’ve read of Polynesian cultures where one tribe will send lavish gifts to another tribe – not as a gesture of goodwill, but to “put them under an obligation.”  The receiving tribe, by custom, will then be obliged to “thank” the giving tribe with even more generous gifts – perhaps gifts they can’t afford, wrecking their economy and weakening their tribe.  How stupid.  How primitive.  Of course, we do the same things.

The times I have strayed to the wrong side of the opportunity/obligation line, I have paid for it.  About three years ago, a friend of mine – an attractive blond female friend – had to go to the hospital for surgery.  I bought a cute stuffed animal at a gift shop and sent it to her work.  But the gift had the opposite effect of what I intended – she never called to thank me for the gift, and within a couple of months we weren’t talking.  At the time, people who were aware of the situation said she was being very rude, and owed me a thank-you.  While I appreciate their moral support, I’m now inclined to disagree with them.  She didn’t owe me a thing.

On a superficial level, giving the gift was a very nice expression.  The problem is that on a deeper level (and perhaps I didn’t even consciously realize this at the time) I gave her the stuffed animal to put her under an obligation.  I wanted to obligate her to spend time with me.  She sensed this (no matter what is going on at a superficial level, intuition always picks up the true deeper meaning), and the result was a sense of distrust rather than the good feelings I wanted her to experience.  So, when you look at it this way, she didn’t owe me a thank-you – if anything, I owed her an apology!  Especially considering that I chose to put this burden on her as she was recovering from surgery!

I’ll admit that this concept – that you’re thanking somebody when you give, and are not obligated to thank when you receive – is a lot to grasp, and it’s a 180-degree turn from the way society has traditionally thought of gratitude and thanks.  And the idea of giving selflessly is espeically muddied when attraction and relationships are involved.  I haven’t figured it all out myself yet – still working on it.  Perhaps I’ll be working on it for the rest of my life.

Okay, tired of typing so I’m going to end this post.  But, there is going to be a Part 2 to this, discussing how one could raise children under this kind of value system.  Until then…

A quick update

Been over a week since I posted. Here’s what has been going on:

– My mother is recovering from successful hip replacement surgery in Little Rock. When she gets out of rehab, I’ll go spend 2 days with her to make sure she can get around the house.

– I was appointed secretary/treasurer of the downtown BNI chapter. Next week we’ll give the chapter an official name. The last two chapters have named themselves Future Millionaires and Super Achievers; I hope we can come up with something that’s not quite so cheesy.

– Went to the Sun Studio 50th Anniversary of Rock’n’Roll show Monday. It was broiling hot but I got to see some good bands. I think I’m developing a taste for 50s-style blues, rock, country, and rockabilly.

– One question: Why do many outdoor festivals make you buy beer tickets in order to purchase beer? Anyone know? I didn’t drink any beer at the Sun Studio event though. It was just too hot. And besides, they were gouging the customers on prices ($4 for a small, $5 for a large) when people could walk across the street to the convenience store and buy a 24-ounce can of Bud for under $2.

– Can’t understand why more Memphians weren’t at the event. Don’t people understand the historical importance? Maybe the music commission needs to work on connecting Memphis to its musical heritage.

– Discovered a very cool place to hang out while I was at the fest: Sleeping Cat Cafe, on Marshall. They have a cafe that is open til midnight and serves gourmet hot dogs, pizza and I think nachos. Also a tiny theater that seats about 30. Seemed like a really good atmosphere. Have been meaning to go back up there and see what the crowd is like.

– Turbo 350 absolutely tore it up as the closing band. Great job.

– Have just started reading a series of books called Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch. Several people have recommended these to me over the years, and I finally broke down and ordered them. Volume I was $23.95 at the bookstore. I got Volumes 1, 2, and 3 from one of Amazon’s used-books affiliates for $20. I love the Internet.

– Plans for this weekend: Tonight I’m having dinner with one of my neighbors and helping her put a resume together. No idea what I’ll do tomorrow – probably hit a coffee shop and read some more of my new books. Sunday I’ll start the day with champagne at Sleep Out’s, then I have an Mpact pool party at Uptown Square in the late afternoon, and then the Dempseys are playing at the downtown Huey’s at 8:00.

– Got a new cell phone – one of those new camera phones. It can also download ringtones and games and other crap. I’m thinking about beefing up my cell phone plan, then dumping my home phone for good. I never use it.

That’s about it – will write more when I get time.

Little Rock: not a bad city

Today I drove to Little Rock, because my mother is having surgery in the morning. I got in town fairly early in the day, so I had a chance to drive around town and walk around a few neighborhoods. This is the first time in several years I’ve been in Little Rock for something other than Thanksgiving or Christmas, and I’ve got to say I’m really impressed. Little Rock has come a long way.

I visited Hillcrest, a funky, arty neighborhood. I drove through Forest Heights not far from my mother’s house, and I got some excellent Thai food at a place called Sai Gon (they serve Vietnamese as well). Even the newer parts of town seem vibrant, energetic, full of life. And, of course, downtown is booming. Little Rock reminds me of some other cities I have visited recently – Boulder, Flagstaff and Austin. Not bad company to be in.

This is a city that is going places – and it’s always had built-in advantages such as a low cost of living and a good climate. I hope to get back over here soon and spend a few days just having fun.

Want cheap gas? Go to West Memphis

At the time I’m writing this, most gas stations in Memphis are charging anywhere from $1.79 to $1.88 a gallon. But just across the bridge in West Memphis, at Exit 280 there’s a Pilot station charging $1.67, and a Diamond Shamrock station across the street charging $1.66.

Looks like the huge price increase in gasoline this year is not only due to what’s going on in the Middle East, but also due to gas stations at home take advantage of the situation to pad their profits. Perhaps they think they have a captive audience in the city and will get all they can.

Or, maybe at truck stops like the ones in West Memphis, people are more likely to come in and buy other items after they fill up. So perhaps those stores are selling gas as a loss leader. Don’t know. Anyone know about the economics of the gas station business?

At any rate, the truck stops at Exit 280 have just about consistently had the lowest prices for most of the past three years. Looks like I’ll be crossing the bridge when I need gas.

Plans for the rest of this week

I’m about to go out of town, to Little Rock – my mother is having hip replacement surgery tomorrow. Ten years ago, hip replacement was a big deal, involving months of pain and rehab. Now, from what I’ve heard, it’s routine. People who have had it have told me they were walking without a cane or walker 3 weeks later, and were taking dance lessons 3 months later! So, barring any complications, I’ll be back in Memphis tomorrow night.

Wish I could spend more time in Little Rock, but this is a key week for my BNI networking group that meets on Thursday mornings. We’re officially launching the chapter, which means we’re electing officers and giving it a name. Last Thursday I got 3 referrals for people who needed credit card services, and that’s pretty typical. So I make it a point not to miss BNI unless it’s a dire emergency.

Saturday is the annual St. Peter’s Picnic in Midtown. I always have a great time at outdoor festivals, and the picnic is for a good cause. So I’ll be there most of the day.

Sunday, of course, is July 4. Being Sunday, I’ll probably start the day with a bottle of champagne at Sleep Out’s, and being July 4, I’ll probably end the day watching fireworks. The rooftop of my building, Number 10 Main, is a great vantage point. Last year there were over 100 residents and guests on the roof. I was lucky enough to be standing next to a family whose kids were seeing fireworks for the first time, and they were amazed.

And Monday is a huge day – Sun Studio’s Rock’n’Roll 50th Anniversary Party, outside Sun Studio, 706 Union. Monday is the 50th anniversary of Elvis’ recording of “That’s All Right Mama,” considered the first rock’n’roll record. So at 11 am the festival will kick off with radio stations all over the world playing the record, and then bands will be playing all day. I’ll be there through the entire thing, but in particular I’m there to see my friends in Turbo 350, who will be closing the show at 11 pm. Rumor has it that Justin Timberlake will be in attendance, which means absolutely nothing to me except that he will draw a huge crowd.

That’s about it – will be missing an Mpact event today that I really wish I could attend. Every month, Mpact hosts Leadership Luncheons with the CEOs of some of the city’s largest companies and nonprofits. Well, today the featured speaker will be Jerry West, NBA All-Star and General Manager of the Memphis Grizzlies.

Off to Little Rock. Will be back tomorrow night!

What the bums are drinking this week (special edition)

Friday night I stopped in a liquor store on South Main where my friend Shane works. Because Shane and the owner both know me, I was allowed behind the bulletproof glass where all the liquor is kept; they pass the money and the purchases through a slot in the window.

A few minutes after I got there, one of the local bums came in. This guy is perhaps the sorriest case I’ve seen – about 50, torn clothes, shoes that are so worn out that the soles are hanging on by a thread. Now if I were in his situation and I came across a few dollars, I’d head to Payless or Family Dollar and buy some decent clothes. But that’s because I don’t think I like a bum. He took his proceeds from a hard afternoon of begging straight to the liquor store. Here’s the conversation that followed:

Shane: May I help you, sir?


Shane: Dude, you’ve come in here every day for the past year asking for Night Train, and we’ve told you every day that we don’t carry it.

Bum: Hunh. (Stands there for about a minute and a half)

Shane: So do you want something else or not? Make up your mind, there’s a line behind you.

Bum: Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. THUNDERBIRD! (I could tell from the state of his clothes that he was a Thunderbird drinker)

Shane: You want the pint or the fifth?

Bum: Uh. Uh. Uh, how much is the pint?

Shane: The pint is two dollars, and the fifth is three. (This store sets its prices so they come out to even dollar amounts after sales tax. Trying to get a bum to understand that a $1.99 bottle is $2.16 with tax is an exercise in futility)

Bum: PINT!

(Shane takes a pint of T-Bird out of the cooler and sacks it up. Just as he is about to hand it throught he slot, the bum says:)

Bum: FIFTH! I want a fifth!

Shane: You do this every day, man! You tell me you want a pint, and then just as I’m about to hand it to you, you change your mind. (puts the pint back in the cooler, sacks up a fifth) That’ll be three dollars.

(Bum hands him two dollars)

Shane: I said THREE dollars, you ignorant son-of-a-bitch! A PINT is two! You ordered a fifth!

(Bum stands there for a couple more minutes)

Shane: You idiot, if you want this fifth of cheap wine you’d better give me another dollar! I’ve about had it with you! You either hand over another dollar or I’m about to kick your ass out of here!

(Bum pulls out dollar. Looks at it. Looks at Shane. Looks at dollar again)

Shane: Do you want this or not? (starts to put the fifth back in the cooler)

(Bum hands Shane the dollar)

Shane: Here. Take it. Now get out of here!

(Bum stands there and looks at Shane)

Shane: I said get!

(Bum stands there and looks at Shane)

Cop, who happens to also be in the store: Time to move on, buddy.

(Bum walks out)

That was hilarious. Makes me want to work part-time in a liquor store just for laughs. Maybe I’ll ask Shane if there are any openings where he works.

Health care and investments that make sense

Been meaning to write about this for a while…I’m getting another side business going, that won’t interfere with my credit card merchant services gig. This side venture looks to be a lot more fun and fulfilling.

It started a few months ago, when I began attending my BNI networking group. There I met this guy Ralph who told me he was in the financial education and access business – he teaches people how to gain access to health care, insurance, and investments that make sense for the individual.

So we started talking about health care. He showed me a way to pay the wholesale rates that insurance companies pay for prescription drugs, doctor office visits, etc. Did you know that some prescription drugs are marked up as much as 100,000% by the pharmaceutical companies? That’s why everyone hates their health care so much – because it’s designed to make money for the drug companies, insurance companies, and hospitals – not protect the individual. It’s out of control.

I immediately thought of my mother, who is retired and absolutely getting killed on her prescription costs. I called her and got a list of the drugs she takes. We ran them through an online check and found that she could get most of them 30-50% cheaper with the company’s prescription card. So she paid $9.95 a month for a card and saved many times over the next time she went to the drugstore. She told me, the pharmacist said it was the deepest-discounted drug card he had ever seen. She was delighted to have the extra money every month.

Then we got to talking about investments. Now, I self-direct my Roth IRA, which is invested in individual stocks. I’ve done well, and have no plans on changing the way I invest at this time. But, I have friends who have heard about my portfolio performance and have asked, can you show me how to invest the way you do? My answer: absolutely not. I spent years dabbling with an imaginary portfolio on paper before I went into the stock market for real. It’s not something that can be taught to someone.

So, up until I met Ralph, I had advised my friends to invest in an S&P 500 index fund, which is a mutual fund consisting of the 500 stocks that make up the S&P measure. It’s about as safe as you can get if you’re going to be in the stock market. But, the market can still go down. $10,000 invested in the S&P 500 index fund on April 1, 2000 would have been worth only $5,700 three years later. Ouch! Hopefully the dot-com bust won’t happen again, but still, the risk is there.

The alternative, of course, is to invest in something fixed like CDs. But that’s a losing proposition too, because CDs barely keep up with inflation.

Ralph showed me an investment product that works like this: It’s based on a stock market index like the S&P. But, at the end of the year, if the market is down, the company puts your principal back. So you can’t end up with less money than you had at the beginning of the year. If the market goes down the toilet like it did in 2000-03, you won’t go with it – at worst you’ll break even. Not bad, huh? Now, of course, the company has to make money somewhere, and they do it by putting a cap on the gains – the products vary, but the last brochures I read had the cap at 12% a year for one product, and 3.2% a month for another. Not too shabby – 12% is a heck of a lot better than a CD will ever do. So, you get to participate in the gains of the stock market – historically the best place to have your money in the long term – without the risk of losing your principal. Oh, and you can get a bonus of up to 10% on your money they day you open the account. This is absolutely where I would steer my friends.

The thing is, most people don’t even know these kinds of products exist. So they blindly follow the advice their broker or insurance agent gives them – which is usually designed to generate a commission for the broker or agent, not look out for the client’s best interests.

That’s why I like what Ralph does – it’s all about educating the public, letting them know what opportunities are out there. Whether or not they purchase the company’s products, at least they’ll be informed. At least they won’t be at the mercy of the drug and insurance and investment corporations anymore.

So, I’m going into business with Ralph. I had to get an insurance license, because some of the products we sell require one. I passed my Life and Accident & Health licensing exam today.

There are some other really cool products too. For example:

Most people’s life insurance is really death insurance – you don’t get the benefit until you die (and then YOU don’t get it, your beneficiary does). Ralph’s company has a life policy that not only pays off on death, but also pays you immediately if you have a critical illness such as heart disease or cancer. It also pays if you become disabled. And if you reach 65, you have the option of converting the cash value into a retirement benefit. It’s the first cash-value life insurance I’ve ever seen that makes sense to own.

Now here’s something that’s really cool – they have a card that provides discounts to alternative care. Yoga, acupuncture, massage therapy, Reiki, aromatherapy, chiropractors. They also have cards that get you access to dental care, vision care, hearing aids, and doctors’ office visits at discount rates.

And, they have health insurance. Which is pretty boring but still something people need. I never bothered to get insurance after becoming self-employed in December, figuring it would cost me a couple hundred a month at my age (34-year-old nonsmoking male). Through Ralph’s company I got major medical coverage for only $72 a month. Again, not bad.

I’m finding that it’s substantially easier to get appointments to talk about this than it is in the credit card biz. In fact, just from wandering around chatting with folks the past week, I already have 4 people who are interested in hearing more about various products. Ralph is already saying that this is soon going to become more than we can handle, and we’ll have to find a couple more key people. That’s not bad either – will be a chance for someone to earn a thousand or two a month on a part-time basis with completely flexible hours.

So, I’m really thrilled about this new venture. This is a chance to change people’s lives for the better, and there’s an element of teaching involved, which makes me happy. But unlike my days at the university, in this business I can actually make good money for teaching.

If you know anyone who needs any of the stuff I described above, drop me an e-mail – I’d be happy to talk to them.

Couple of unrelated quick notes about upcoming events:

Mpact Memphis is having a General Membership Meeting Thursday night, the 24th, from 5:30-7:30 at the National Civil Rights Museum. Mayor A.C. Wharton will be speaking. Mpact hasn’t had a general meeting in several months, and I’m glad they’re bringing them back. If you’re looking to get involved with Mpact, this is the best chance to learn what is going on.

Friday night the 25th is the South Main Trolley Art Tour from 6 to 9. Good people, good art, and most importantly, free wine in many of the galleries. Hope to see you there.

Downtown Performance Art: Uniform Monday

Many of you know that I am not a big fan of Autozone. I don’t have a problem with their stores – which actually do have quality products and helpful employees – but rather their corporate office and their so-called corporate “culture.”

Part of that culture is Uniform Monday, which means that every Monday all the corporate employees dress in the same uniforms the store employees wear. Since I live a few blocks from their HQ, when I walk around at lunchtime, I see lots of people sporting the company red-and-black. And again, when I walk past their headquarters around qutting time (which tends to be about 7 pm for salaried people – the company thinks they OWN you), I see more red and black.

So recently I got to thinking, it wouldn’t be hard to put together my own Autozone uniform and parade around town. An Autozoner’s (yes, they really call themselves that) uniform consists of

Red shirt with the Autozone logo and the person’s name. I see these at thrift stores all the time and could probably pick one up for a few bucks. It may not have my name on it, but who cares?

A name tag. If your name is sewn onto your shirt, isn’t the name tag redundant? Wait, I’m trying to apply logic to corporate America here, my bad. I’m sure I could go to a printing company and get a name tag printed which reads “PAUL RYBURN” and underneath “CUSTOMER SERVICE.” Or perhaps “BILL RYBURN” if I find a “Bill” Autozone shirt at the thrift store.

Black casual slacks. I already own these.

Black POLISHABLE shoes. It’s VERY, VERY, VERY important that the shoes be polishable. Jesus himself will strike you down if the shoes are not polishable. It says so in the Bible. Or, rather, in the Autozone corporate handbook, but same dif if you’re an Autozoner.

A belt. You MUST wear a belt. A few years ago I talked to a guy who worked there. I guess he wore some of those Sansabelt slacks that don’t require one, and his manager pitched a fit. He said his manager turned red in the face, almost purple, and looked like he was about to lose control of his bowels. I got a mental image of the manager standing there yelling, and he gets so wound up that all of the sudden he has a big ol’ juicy BM in his black casual pants. And maybe it would leak out onto his black shoes. His black POLISHABLE shoes. Except, I guess they’d be brown polishable shoes at that point.

So, I’d put on my uniform, an exact replica of the official Autozone uniform. Oh, and then I’d accessorize it with a nice baseball cap that says “LEGALIZE POT NOW” and walk around all over downtown, all day Monday, displaying my company pride.

And that would be my performance art piece.

I suppose I won’t do it, though. Someone might look at the outfit and get the idea that I’m a pothead or a stoner, which I’m not.

Or worse, they might think I work for Autozone.