Branch office post #2

I’m still at the Second Street branch office (see previous post). I’ve been hitting the water cooler pretty hard so this post may not make as much sense as the last one.

Apparently the Second Street branch office is changing the T-shirts they sell… a waitress, um, I mean, a branch office employee, is standing on a chair taking the “YOU’RE KILLING MY BUZZ” shirt out of the display case.

Snozberry is the band that is playing the Second Street branch office tonight. $3 cover. I saw them once before, about six months ago. I can’t remember anything about the music they played but I do remember one thing. They had these girls who danced in front of the stage and they were called “Band-Aids.” At one point the lead singer got on the mic and said, “Between the Band-Aids and the waitresses, I have masturbation material for the next month!” Er, I mean, between the Band-Aids and the branch office employees… oh, screw it, never mind.

Been cruising around MySpace… am I the only MySpace user in Memphis who doesn’t have a pic of themselves at a bar drinking with Mendi?

The new shirt that is going in the display case says “it’s not rocket science”… you’re among the first to know. She’s up on the chair again… ‘scuse me a second… (leaning way over)… okay, I’m back. I saw that shirt at the East Bumblefuck branch office on Sunday… what’s up with East Bumblefuck getting new shirts before downtown?

Earlier today at the Union branch office, there was a guy in a T-shirt that said, “let me drop everything and work on your problem.” I want to buy about 150 of those and have them shipped to my former company, the one that did rebates.

I also see a lot of guys wearing T-shirts that say “i (heart) hot moms.” I want a T-shirt that says “i (heart) romanian girls.”

There are two TVs visible from the big, long conference table at the front of the Second Street branch office… they’re both tuned to ESPN2, where a domino tournament is on. God… they could switch it to Oprah and it would be an improvement. Can TV possibly get any more boring than this? …wait, yes it can, forgot about golf.

Oh, another T-shirt I saw yesterday as I wandered through Peabody Place… “Oklahoma Bucks.” Hey dude, there’s a misspelled word on your shirt… that should be an “S.”

Looking for an elegant space for a private party? Stella just expanded into its basement. The space holds up to 100.

Last December, my friend Carmel and several of her girlfriends were sitting at a table at Stella. Dr. Bob was sitting at the bar and sent a round of drinks to their table. It could have something to do with the fact that Carmel was wearing a tube top.

Other than the Stella announcement, there was absolutely nothing in this post worth reading whatsoever. Now it’s definitely time for a nap. Logging out, shutting down…

Posting from the branch office

I wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I called in. That stupid allergy medicine again. It’s almost enough to make me stop taking it, but then I’d be sneezing all day. Anyway… I decided to take the laptop to my branch office on Union to do some work. That way I can spend some quality time with Frenchie and the goldfish.

For those of you who missed the Commercial Appeal this morning, there’s an article on a 28-story housing complex to be built at Third and Market. The article says this will be a luxury complex designed to attract affluent empty-nesters and doctors and researchers from St. Jude. It was unclear whether these units will be apartments or condos, but I’m guessing condos. This is great news for downtown. The presence of those tenants will draw additional businesses and services to the Uptown area and really turn it into a true neighborhood. I’m also happy to see development on Third – most of the activity so far has been on Main, with a little spilling over to Front and Second and the side streets. Downtown development is expanding outward, and that’s a very good thing.

Also in the Commercial Appeal – I didn’t see this because I read the web edition, but was told by Josh who spends a lot of time in the Union branch office – Shane Battier took out a full-page ad thanking Memphis for the time he spent here as a Grizzly. With all the bad press some NBA players get about being thugs and/or greedy, it’s been great to have someone like Shane in town who is truly a class act. We will miss him.

They have a hot dog eating contest on TV here at the Union branch office. People are stuffing hot dogs in their mouths two, three at a time and fighting to keep them from coming back up. I really don’t know if this is appropriate television for people to watch while they eat lunch.

I’m thinking about removing my initial downtown crime posts which I put up June 5 and the following several days. If I do, I’m not going to delete them entirely, but rather I’ll move them to another part of the site and add META tags that tell search engines not to index them. That way I can still refer people there if needed, but the posts won’t come up when people do Google searches for Downtown Memphis or some of the businesses/developments I mentioned in those posts.

My reason for leaning that direction is a conversation I had yesterday at Walgreens with a guy who works here in the center city, whose job is definitely to promote downtown. He was supportive in what he said and agreed that “there are a couple of problems”… but I could tell from his nonverbal communication that those crime posts may be making life difficult for his organization and other organizations/companies downtown. I don’t want to do that… I love downtown and want to see it grow, and the problems are now beginning to be addressed through Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis. I don’t know… I’m going to think about it for a few days. If you have an opinion on the matter let me know… if I don’t know you personally I’d appreciate it if you give me your full name and what your connection is to downtown (do you live here, work here, own property here, develop property here, etc.). Ultimately the final decision on the matter will be mine and mine only, but I’d appreciate constructive feedback from my readers to help me make the right call.

Hmmm… think I’ll shut the laptop down and go over to the Second Street branch office. That office has a great dress code for its employees, and everyone knows it’s my branch office because there’s a plate on the wall with my name on it.

All right. I’m here at the Second Street branch. It took me forever to get down here. I was walking down Second behind two fat corporate guys in suits. They were walking veeeeeerrrrryyyyyy ssssllllloooooooooowly and they were so fat that I couldn’t get around them. Life at the speed of business… if the business has a 14.4 dialup connection.

The Second Street branch office is lucky to see me much at all anymore, since they didn’t take me up on my repeated suggestions to hire some Romanian employees. I had a talk with one of the Romanians last night… her name is Diana, but I’ve privately nicknamed her Fluffy because of her hair. She told me that she’s a dental student and that dentists in Romania make about $2,000 a month, or $24,000 a year. Wow. She can make more as a waitress over here than she can as a dentist back home. Now I understand a little bit better why they cram so many people into a tiny apartment, so they can hold on to as many dollars as they can.

Fluffy also told me that there are not four Romanians in that apartment as I had thought, but five. There’s a Romanian guy living there too. I met him later in the evening – nice guy. I will heretofore refer to him as The Luckiest Man On Earth.

I’m actually glad there’s a guy living with them, because they have a neighbor who is going to be real eager to get to know the girls and they should probably keep him at arm’s length… don’t want to name any names but (raspy voice) PAULIE-PAUL! HOW YOU DOIN’, BUDDY BOY? MAN, I TELL YOU WHAT, I TOOK THE BOAT OUT ON THE LAKE THIS WEEKEND AND…

Two neighbors they should keep at arm’s length… there’s also the guy who makes a really good cup of coffee.

Man… the Second Street branch office is great… I don’t even have to get up to go to the water cooler… there’s a girl who does it for me… and the water tastes a little like Labatt Blue. Must’ve been a fire at this branch office recently, because I see a sign about a fire sale.

Here’s a shout-out to regular blog reader Uncle Paul from Denver… come back to Memphis and visit sometime soon, Uncle Paul!

Re-thinking my plans for this evening, assuming I feel well enough to go out. My original plan was to go to the Madison rooftop and see The Dempseys this evening, but I’m now thinking I may do the Peabody rooftop instead, since I saw The Dempseys last night at Blues City. Let’s see… three sweaty guys with musical instruments and a bunch of old people crowded into a small space… or hot babes in tube tops. Yep, it’s looking like the Peabody is the way to go.

Right now though, the way to go is home, for a nap. YEAH, BUDDY BOY, I THINK I’M GONNA HEAD HOME AND HIT THE HAY FOR A WHILE… even doing his voice in my head makes my throat sore. Anyway, back later with more of this nonsense.

Maybe American Apparel isn’t so bad after all

A couple of months ago I mentioned that I went to American Apparel, the new clothing store at Main and GE Patterson in the South Main Arts District. I spent some time going through racks of clothing and didn’t really see anything I liked. The clothes weren’t bad or anything… I just found them kind of… well, boring.

But yesterday I was made aware of an item they sell that definitely isn’t boring. It’s a women’s clothing item called a “romper,” and I highly recommend this item to my female friends.

Here’s a link.

A romper is a one-piece tube top/shorts combination. The one selling at American Apparel is made of terrycloth. They also have a velour one, but it has a strap so technically it isn’t a tube top.

What a great invention. Whoever created this deserves a Nobel Prize or something.

Tube Tops, Trivia Traitor, Romanians, and more

(Something’s wrong with the blog template I’m using… I got it from a third-party site so it will take a little time to troubleshoot… sorry if this blog looks funny in the meantime.)

Not sure if this first item should go on this blog or the Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis site… hmm… since it’s from Pawtucket, NJ I guess it’s not really an RSDM thing. Anyway, here’s a news story illustrating how tube tops can be used as tools to commit crimes.

Woman in tube top abets theft

The Rapscallions trivia team finished in second place last night by one point… we would have finished first if not due to the actions of a traitor named Pam. Hang on, let’s post a pic of Pam:


There ya go. That’s Pam. The one that’s not me, obviously. Up until a few weeks ago she was a member of the Rapscallions. But one night we were at Big Foot and we were kidding around and I jokingly kicked her off the team. I was kidding. But what did she do? She went and got her friends from Drinking Liberally and they all started showing up at the Saucer on Tuesday nights. So yesterday, the Drinking Liberally team beat us by one point. Oh well, it could have been worse… we could have lost to Republicans.

As punishment for her traitorious actions, Pam is no longer allowed to sit at the bar at Sleep Out Louie’s for Sunday brunch. If she comes in, she has to sit at one of the tables, and maybe, just maybe, if we’re feeling really kind, we’ll talk to her.

At least we got a $25 gift certificate for our second-place finish, bringing our certificate collection to $220 total. We’re gonna have a big party soon, probably this month.

Speaking of Drinking Liberally, they’re still having their regular Thursday night meetings at Dish. This Thursday will be a special meeting, as they will be hosting Gina Cooper, the organizer of the YearlyKos conference, a gathering of 1,000 liberal bloggers from across the country. She will be there to brainstorm with Memphis on how Kos can promote local blogospheres. Click the link to the Drinking Liberally site for details.

I’ve been busy the past couple of days trying to help the Romanians locate furniture they can borrow for their 3-month stay in Memphis. It’s so odd to me as a spoiled, well-off (by their standards) American to listen to them… they could buy cheap air mattresses to sleep on. “Oh, no. We do not want to do that. We will sleep on the floor if we cannot find mattresses to borrow.” Air mattresses are like 19 bucks each. Geez, that’s just barely more than six bucks a month… I’d gladly pay that not to sleep on a floor. I did a little math and realized that for what I have spent at restaurants and bars since Saturday, I could have bought each of them an air mattress. It makes me realize how much abundance I have and how I take much of it for granted.

When I drove them to the mall on Sunday, they got thirsty. Now when Americans get thirsty, each of them buys a bottle of water to drink. The Romanians bought one bottle and passed it around. They offered me some too, which was sweet of them. My lips got to touch the bottle that touched the lips of four beautiful Romanian girls… although I would have preferred to eliminate the bottle altogether and… never mind, we’re getting off topic here.

Flipping through the new Memphis Flyer to see what’s going on… Friday at Davis-Kidd there’s a book signing by G. Wayne Dowdy, author of Mayor Crump Don’t Like It: Machine Politics in Memphis. It’s about Boss Crump’s rule of the city from his election as mayor in 1909 until his death in the mid-’50s. I doubt I’ll get out that way for the signing but it sounds like an interesting book to read.

Also, performance troupe Stomp is at The Orpheum this weekend. If you haven’t seen their show, you should go, it’s great. Tickets are $15-50.

Early voting for the upcoming election begins this Friday, July 14th. Later this week, I’ll be posting about a few candidates I support. To those candidates, if they’re reading: since I extended Tube Top Month until July 31, I’m going to have to figure out a way to tie tube tops in when I mention you. But right now, lunch break is over, back to work.

Monday lunchtime post

Well, let’s see what I can find to talk about today…

First of all, congratuations to my friends at ReMax on the River on the excellent article written about them in the Commercial Appeal’s business section. They’re good folks and have been big supporters of Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis. If you’re looking to buy a condo or home downtown, these are the people to talk to.

By the way, if you haven’t visited the RSDM site in a while, check out the News section, where I’ve put up an article about a safety brochure we’re creating for Downtown guests.

After I got back downtown last night, I stopped by Sleep Out’s, where my friend LSU Mike supplied the Drunken Quote of the week, referring to Subway sandwiches: “I sure understand why they call it Subway, because the next day it comes out of my ass like a freight train.”

My plans for this week, which are all tentative at this point:

Monday: Pint Nite, of course! Los Angeles blogger AngieDawn will be making a rare Memphis appearance, so I look forward to joining her for a beer at the Saucer. Later in the evening I’ll probably hit other downtown bars in pursuit of tube tops and Ro-girls.

Tuesday: Back to the Saucer for beer, trivia, and waitresses. The Rapscallions will be short several team members this week, but then, a lot of times when we’ve won, it’s been with a smaller team.

Wednesday/Thursday: At least one of these nights I plan on catching The Dempseys, who will be playing at Blues City Cafe at 8 pm on Wednesday, and on the Madison rooftop starting at 6 pm Thursday.

It was a pleasure meeting regular blog reader Groobie Baby this weekend. You know, if Groobie Baby put on a tube top, she could call it a Groob Tube.

Charly writes,

“So, I think all the beer I’ve been drinkin’ lately has taken its toll on my memory – who is this Master Polo kid, and why the fuck does anyone give a damn about him??

I’m a little lost.”

Master Polo is one of the most well-rounded individuals on planet Earth. Although his main interest is snowmobiling, he is also an adamant collector of Buffalo nickels, and an avid Terrarium enthusiast. “Clearly I am guilty of enjoying all of Mother Earth’s gifts,” he writes. To use a Mikeyism, you ain’t just whistling Black Sabbath there, my friend. And his taste in music is absolutely exquisite – “all the pre-Ringo Beatles stuff.” YEAH! Pete Best RULEZ!!!

So I’m sure you can now understand why I have to meet this guy. And Charly, congrats on finally making a new post to your blog after 15 days off.

A couple of people have also written, asking whether the Romanians are here legally. Yes, they are. Here’s a link to the State Department’s website outlining the program they’re on.

Speaking of Romania: Billy Idol will be playing a concert in Bucharest at 8 pm tonight. Now that I think about it, due to the time difference that means he’s playing right now as I type this.

Serrabee has put up one of the funniest posts I have seen in a long time, concerning the purchase of a mini-fridge from Craigslist. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one who uses the term “East Bumblefuck.” However, it’s a San Francisco post, so I guess they weren’t referring to Cordova, Germantown, Collierville and the surrounding suburban sprawl.

All right, I’m done wasting your time today. Back to the cubicle for an exciting afternoon of writing batch scripts to move web applications from the DEV server to the TEST server and then to the PROD server. Yay!

Sunday trip to East B.F.

Well, I didn’t make it to brunch today after all… nor did I make it to a party in my building, thrown by a friend of mine to watch the World Cup finals. Instead, I spent the afternoon in East Bumblefuck. The Romanians wanted to go to the mall, and so I agreed to drive them to Wolfchase.

To catch everyone up on the Romanian situation: The blonde from last year is back. The brunette is not, which doesn’t surprise me since she didn’t like Memphis much. There are three new Romanians, two blondes and one who is about halfway between brunette and redhead.

So we drove out there and they wanted to stay for four hours. I quickly realized I did not want to spend four hours shopping for women’s clothes with four girls speaking a language I didn’t understand, so we agreed upon a meeting place and I went off and did my own thing. I found some really nice casual shirts at JCPenney of all places. They look hip and funky enough to wear them to a bar or club, yet dressy enough where I can get away with wearing them to work as well. I like shirts like that. And they were marked down from $40 to $24. One was marked down to $4.99.

After making a complete loop of the mall to see which customers were wearing tube tops, I decided I was hungry, so I went to the food court and bought a slice of stuffed pizza with sausage and ham. When I got done, I looked at my watch and it was only 2:00. “I don’t want to spend two more hours in this mall,” I thought. Then I remembered that I happened to be right down the street from the Flying Saucer – the new East Bumblefuck Flying Saucer that opened six months ago. So I got in the car and headed in that direction.

And I got lost. Strip mall after strip mall after strip mall… there were so many of them and they all looked alike. After turning around a couple of times, I finally found it. It’s a very nice bar (although I think the downtown one is better) and I actually knew people there. So I sat and watched the two overtimes in the World Cup game, but I had to leave before the penalty kicks decided it.

So I got back at 4:00 and the girls were sitting outside and showing each other their new clothes and talking in Romanian. I understood “da” (yes) and “no” (no) and I think I heard one of them say “chocolat” one time and I assume I know what that means. The rest was all gibberish. Nevertheless, I will attempt a translation:

“Who is this guy who drove us out here? He is hot.”

“Oh, that is Paul. Yes, he is hot.”

“Do you think he likes Romanians? He is very cute.”

That’s my best attempt at interpreting what they were saying. Anyway, they loaded their bags into the back of my car and I drove them home. Now I’m heading out to the Saucer – the real Saucer, the downtown one – and I’m walking. Good to be home.

Guide to Saturday night people-watching downtown

Welcome to my blog. I know that many of you plan on coming downtown tonight. Part of downtown’s appeal is the diverse crowd that it attracts, particularly on Saturday nights. To help you get the most out of your experience, I thought I’d post a people-watching guide.

As you stroll around downtown, you may notice some young gentlemen dressed mainly in red, with baseball cap tilted to the left, left pant leg rolled up, left shoe untied. They may also wear a bandana on the left side. These young men are announcing their membership in either the Los Angeles-based Bloods gang, or in the Chicago-based People Nation/Vice Lords gang.

You may also notice some young gentlemen dressed in mostly blue, with baseball cap tilted to the right, right pant leg rolled up, right shoe untied. They may also wear a bandana on the right side. These young men are pleased to announce that they are members of either the Los Angeles-based Crips gang, or the Chicago-based Folk Nation/Gangster Disciples.

For more good downtown people-watching information, you can check out this page. Once armed with this information, I think you’ll be surprised how many people you can identify on the streets of downtown on a Saturday night.

Oh, and if you see a guy staring at girls in tube tops, that’s probably me.

Friday update: Sleep Out’s, weekend plans

If anyone knows of a reasonably-priced 1 BR apartment downtown, available NOW (the NOW part is important), let me know. This is not for me, this is for friends of mine. It needs to be in the core downtown area (approximately between Adams and a couple of blocks south of Beale).

Last night I started out at Sleep Out’s, where Mike King and I did an interview about Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis, which will run in a local publication in the next couple of weeks. I’ll pass on the info as soon as I have a firm date.

After the interview, I moved to the bar, where the general manager challenged me to a game of NTN Trivia. Needless to say, I kicked his ass. During the course of the game, I ran out of beer and the bartender started to pour me a PBR. “No PBR, it’s been tasting nasty lately, give me a Bud Light instead.” The GM heard me say that and called the distributor to come clean the lines. They’ve apparently been lazy about doing it, but when the distributor heard that customers were choosing another company’s product as a result, he said, “We’ll be out tomorrow to clean!”

So the PBR will be drinkable in time for dollar PBR Sunday. Cool.

After the trivia game, I saw little plastic containers of melted butter, and realized it was Crab Leg Thursday at Sleep Out’s – all you can eat crab legs for $15.95. Having not eaten at all up to that point, I couldn’t pass it up. So I stayed an extra two hours devouring crab legs.

After that, I stopped by the Saucer for a beer, where I learned that the Nuh-Uh Girl will soon become one of my neighbors. I asked if she was moving in this month. “Nuh UHHHHHHHH!” she replied. Not until August. Welcome to the building!

Next, I wandered down to Beale Street – specifically, the Tap Room. Good LORD… I have never seen so many gorgeous girls walking down Beale in my life. Guys, no matter how much you hate country music, you gotta check out Country On Beale. Tube tops and halter tops and bikini tops and miniskirts everywhere. I’ll definitely be there next Thursday, although in the early part of the evening, I’ll be on the Madison rooftop, where The Dempseys will be playing.

While sitting at the Tap Room’s bar, a man in a polo shirt strolled in and took the tip jar and strolled out. “Oh, that must be one of the managers,” I thought. “He’s collecting the tips so they don’t get stolen.” About one second later, I thought, “Wait a minute… I’ve never known managers to do that here… and I’ve never seen that guy before…” and I yelled, “HEY NILES, HE JUST STOLE YOUR TIP JAR!” and took off running down Beale, with several other people including the bartender right behind me. The thief realized he had people chasing him and dropped the jar outside King’s Palace. People on the street told me he’s one of the local crackheads and he pulls stunts like that all the time. Surprised I didn’t recognize him.

Plans for this weekend… not sure. Very tentative plan to do Fish Races tonight at Sleep Out’s, but that could change. I have a feeling I’ll be doing a late-night at the Black Diamond drinking PBR cans at least one night this weekend.

If you’re looking for something to do tomorrow night, LoLo’s Table is now doing Sangria Saturdays… $8 pitchers of sangria with food purchase. Good way to get your date drunk on a budget.

Sunday, of course I’ll be at brunch at Sleep Out’s from about 11 to 2. Hopefully there won’t be a new round of whipped cream pictures to post on Monday, but if we start drinking duck farts, you never know. The whipped cream pics I posted yesterday were taken after we had all done about 6 rounds of duck farts.

The Sunday after those pics were taken, I was sitting at the bar, and the daytime bartender, Kimberley, was working. She had left before things got wild the week before. I asked Kimberley if she knew how to make a duck fart. “I don’t know,” she replied, “Do you pick him up and squeeze him?”

If you’re outside Sunday evening, look up at the sky. The space shuttle Discovery will pass over Memphis at 8:56 PM.

One of my neighbors tried my cleaning tip that I posted yesterday. She too had a tub that just wouldn’t get clean no matter what she tried. So, she went to the store and picked up a pack of Magic Erasers, and she reports that they worked and now she has a fresh, sparkling white tub as well! Hmmm… you know, in some cultures, it’s considered appropriate to put on a tube top in appreciation for excellent household cleaning advice.

Ahhh… the weekend is here. This is shaping up to be a great summer. Even TWICE as great as last summer. Let’s go have some fun!

Happy happy joy joy

The sun is shining
The birds are singing
and the world is a WONDERFUL place!!!

happy happy
joy joy
happy happy
joy joy

And believe it or not, my good mood this morning has nothing to do with tube tops.

Apologies for the incoherent post… perhaps some of you can read between the lines and make something out of this mania.

Photo album: Whipped cream at Sleep Out’s

It’s finally online – the long-awaited whipped cream photo album.





Click here to view the rest of the images

These pics were taken the last weekend in May – a few days before the beginning of Tube Top Month. Someone took out a can of whipped cream at Sleep Out’s and things got a little crazy. I was unable to get these posted until now because I had to act like a “serious” blogger while I posted about downtown crime.