Paul Ryburn's Journal

If anyone knows of a reasonably-priced 1 BR apartment downtown, available NOW (the NOW part is important), let me know. This is not for me, this is for friends of mine. It needs to be in the core downtown area (approximately between Adams and a couple of blocks south of Beale).

Last night I started out at Sleep Out’s, where Mike King and I did an interview about Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis, which will run in a local publication in the next couple of weeks. I’ll pass on the info as soon as I have a firm date.

After the interview, I moved to the bar, where the general manager challenged me to a game of NTN Trivia. Needless to say, I kicked his ass. During the course of the game, I ran out of beer and the bartender started to pour me a PBR. “No PBR, it’s been tasting nasty lately, give me a Bud Light instead.” The GM heard me say that and called the distributor to come clean the lines. They’ve apparently been lazy about doing it, but when the distributor heard that customers were choosing another company’s product as a result, he said, “We’ll be out tomorrow to clean!”

So the PBR will be drinkable in time for dollar PBR Sunday. Cool.

After the trivia game, I saw little plastic containers of melted butter, and realized it was Crab Leg Thursday at Sleep Out’s – all you can eat crab legs for $15.95. Having not eaten at all up to that point, I couldn’t pass it up. So I stayed an extra two hours devouring crab legs.

After that, I stopped by the Saucer for a beer, where I learned that the Nuh-Uh Girl will soon become one of my neighbors. I asked if she was moving in this month. “Nuh UHHHHHHHH!” she replied. Not until August. Welcome to the building!

Next, I wandered down to Beale Street – specifically, the Tap Room. Good LORD… I have never seen so many gorgeous girls walking down Beale in my life. Guys, no matter how much you hate country music, you gotta check out Country On Beale. Tube tops and halter tops and bikini tops and miniskirts everywhere. I’ll definitely be there next Thursday, although in the early part of the evening, I’ll be on the Madison rooftop, where The Dempseys will be playing.

While sitting at the Tap Room’s bar, a man in a polo shirt strolled in and took the tip jar and strolled out. “Oh, that must be one of the managers,” I thought. “He’s collecting the tips so they don’t get stolen.” About one second later, I thought, “Wait a minute… I’ve never known managers to do that here… and I’ve never seen that guy before…” and I yelled, “HEY NILES, HE JUST STOLE YOUR TIP JAR!” and took off running down Beale, with several other people including the bartender right behind me. The thief realized he had people chasing him and dropped the jar outside King’s Palace. People on the street told me he’s one of the local crackheads and he pulls stunts like that all the time. Surprised I didn’t recognize him.

Plans for this weekend… not sure. Very tentative plan to do Fish Races tonight at Sleep Out’s, but that could change. I have a feeling I’ll be doing a late-night at the Black Diamond drinking PBR cans at least one night this weekend.

If you’re looking for something to do tomorrow night, LoLo’s Table is now doing Sangria Saturdays… $8 pitchers of sangria with food purchase. Good way to get your date drunk on a budget.

Sunday, of course I’ll be at brunch at Sleep Out’s from about 11 to 2. Hopefully there won’t be a new round of whipped cream pictures to post on Monday, but if we start drinking duck farts, you never know. The whipped cream pics I posted yesterday were taken after we had all done about 6 rounds of duck farts.

The Sunday after those pics were taken, I was sitting at the bar, and the daytime bartender, Kimberley, was working. She had left before things got wild the week before. I asked Kimberley if she knew how to make a duck fart. “I don’t know,” she replied, “Do you pick him up and squeeze him?”

If you’re outside Sunday evening, look up at the sky. The space shuttle Discovery will pass over Memphis at 8:56 PM.

One of my neighbors tried my cleaning tip that I posted yesterday. She too had a tub that just wouldn’t get clean no matter what she tried. So, she went to the store and picked up a pack of Magic Erasers, and she reports that they worked and now she has a fresh, sparkling white tub as well! Hmmm… you know, in some cultures, it’s considered appropriate to put on a tube top in appreciation for excellent household cleaning advice.

Ahhh… the weekend is here. This is shaping up to be a great summer. Even TWICE as great as last summer. Let’s go have some fun!

The sun is shining
The birds are singing
and the world is a WONDERFUL place!!!

happy happy
joy joy
happy happy
joy joy

And believe it or not, my good mood this morning has nothing to do with tube tops.

Apologies for the incoherent post… perhaps some of you can read between the lines and make something out of this mania.

It’s finally online – the long-awaited whipped cream photo album.

Click here to view the rest of the images

These pics were taken the last weekend in May – a few days before the beginning of Tube Top Month. Someone took out a can of whipped cream at Sleep Out’s and things got a little crazy. I was unable to get these posted until now because I had to act like a “serious” blogger while I posted about downtown crime.

Longtime readers of this blog know that the scourge of my existence for the past three and a half years has been my bathtub. When I moved in, it had this ground-in gray scum/dirt that I’ve never been able to get rid of since. I’ve tried everything – cleaners, bleaches. Nothing worked. All I’ve been able to do is make sure the shower curtain was pulled shut when people came over.

Well, today it occurred to me: I have access to the great minds of the world, via the Internet. So I did some searching on cleaning bathtubs. One of the solutions I came across was to clean the tub using Comet and something called a Magic Eraser, made by Mr.Clean. It seemed too easy to be true but the suggestion was highly rated among readers.

So, at lunchtime I went to get my car tags renewed, and unbelievably, there was no line at the Prescott branch office. I was out in 5 minutes, plus another 5 to put the new plate on the car (TN has new plates this year). So I decided to stop by the nearby Rite Aid and pick up some Comet and a couple of 2-packs of Magic Erasers. “These things look like nothing but white sponges!” I thought. “They couldn’t possibly work.” But, I figured, everything else has failed, might as well try this too.

So after work I came home and gave it a try, and lo and behold – clean tub. For the first time since I’ve lived there. Because of something that looks like a sponge. Who woulda thought.

Speaking of the car tag renewal – sometimes it pays to break the law. As I mentioned previously, my registration expired June 30, but I didn’t get it done because I didn’t feel like waiting in a long line the last day of the month. So, I went today, and got right in without a line. The fee to renew was exactly the same as it would have been if I had done it on time, and they gave me a “JUL” sticker rather than a “JUN” one, so I effectively got a month free.

I updated my address while there. That will allow me to mail it in next year and avoid this mess altogether.

I thought I had another reason to celebrate today, but I was wrong. I got an e-mail reading, “This is Chip – Master Polo from MySpace.” He told me that he had heard I was “obsessed” with finding out his identity, and he didn’t mind revealing it to people who were “certifiably normal.” He told me that if there was anything I wanted to know about him, just ask.

Later in the day I e-mailed my friend Mendi aka Master Polo II and said, “Chip e-mailed and told me he was Master Polo and asked what I wanted to know about him. The mystery is solved!”

Not two minutes later I had an e-mail back from her: “Who’s Chip?” So I forwarded the message he sent me.

She replied: “Haha. His name is not Chip. He’s very good. I will compliment him at once.”

BLAST!!! Foiled again!

[By the way, “Chip” is not the alias he used, but in the interest of protecting his identity (even if it is a lie) I used a pseudonym for his alias.]

In other news, my friend Mike recommends this product as an option to chase away pigeons downtown. I have no idea if it actually works.

In addition to the helpful cleaning tip, I have a helpful consumer tip as well. It’s July. This is about the time of year when stores start putting summer clothes on clearance to make way for their fall lines. Usually the items considered peak-of-summer items, such as bathing suits and tube tops, are the first to be marked down. But, of course, July is hardly the end of tube top weather here in Memphis – buy one now and you’ll still have three months to wear it. So what are you waiting for? Maybe there should be a tube top edition of my Deal of the Week blog.

And that’ll do it for this post – staying in tonight. Now that I have momentum because of the tube I figure I might as well clean the rest of the place too. It needs it. Thinking about doing the Peabody rooftop tomorrow (Yes, No, Maybe is playing). No plans for the weekend beyond that, as of yet. ‘Til next time…

… the law they swore they’d get him but the devil got him first!
– Ballad of Thunder Road by Robert Mitchum and Don Raye

So I tried moonshine for the first time in my life today. I was at a cookout in Midtown and one of the guests brought a Mason jar of it. Now, if you already feel a case of heartburn coming on, “sure, I’d love to try some moonshine,” is definitely the wrong answer. It was corn whiskey, clear in color, estimated to be 135-140 proof by the person who brought it. It tasted like Thunderbird wine, which is not a good thing to be sure, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I know what Thunderbird tastes like in the first place. It aggravated my heartburn by a factor of 5 to be sure.

I had a great time at the cookout I went to in Midtown, and I thank the host and hostess for the chance to see their beautiful house and for the burger, hot dog, tater tots, and beer. I learned how to work the cab system today. Getting from downtown to other parts of the city is not hard – just find a cab waiting for a fare (I found one at the Peabody). He drove me to the party in the McLean & Jackson area, and I tipped him $5 on my $12 fare and asked, “When I’m ready to head back downtown how do I get a ride?” He gave me not only the cab company number but his personal cell number as well, and asked approximately when I’d be heading back. So when I was ready to leave I called his cell and he was there in 5 minutes. I had always heard it takes at least 30 minutes and often closer to an hour to get a cab in Midtown.

July 4 will probably be over by the time you read this, but it’s still not too late to show your patriotism by ordering an American Flag Tube Top. What better way to show your patriotism than by wearing a tube top? If I were blogging from Afghanistan, this would be Burqa Month. Every month would be Burqa Month.

I read in the Downtowner Magazine that Maynard, Silky Sullivan’s pet goat, has passed away. My condolences to Silky and everyone at his restaurant who took care of Maynard.

Plans for tomorrow:
1) Get up way earlier than I would like
2) Sit in a cubicle all morning
3) Renew my expired tags at lunch
4) Sit in a cubicle some more
5) Get a haircut after work

Clearly tomorrow is shaping up to be the most exciting day of the week, if not the year. I better get some sleep.

The note below was found outside Sleep Out Louie’s on Union Avenue this morning. Click for full-size (5-megapixel) image – may take a while to download if you’re connecting via phone line. Parental discretion advised: content is definitely not appopriate for those under 18.

Today I hung out at Sleep Out’s until about 6. Then I went to Big Foot for dinner, ordering the Holy Smokes Wings, which were intolerably hot. 3 of the 12 wings and I was done. Sobered me up though.

Then I went to Blues City, where I had heard FreeWorld would be playing, only to discover The Dempseys were playing the early show. They drew a big crowd, including a girl in a pink tube top.

On the break, one of the Dempseys was kind enough to invite me to a holiday BBQ at his house sometime later this weekend… so I’m thinking… the band that played for the President two days ago is inviting me to a BBQ… how can I not go? But on the other hand… I have expired plates on the car. If I drive, I’m risking a ticket for at least that if not more. Looks like I’m going to have to go, and not drink a drop of alcohol once there. Which sucks.

Many of you have seen me wearing a “38103” T-shirt around town from time to time. (38103 is the downtown zip code.) Well, my friend Ryan came up with a new design last night, and gave me a shirt in exchange for a mention in the blog. So here’s the new shirt:

To purchase a shirt, e-mail Ryan at ryan.hamlin@EtchedArt.com. He’ll send you instructions on how to order the shirt online. He has a secure payment gateway set up through QuickBooks and has assured me that the transactions are 100% safe.

Attn Ryan: I’ve had the shirt on for all of 30 minutes today and I’ve already had two people ask where they can buy one.

Still waiting to see a 38103 tube top.

I spent most of Trolley Tour last night running around from gallery to gallery. I had received a tip that the elusive Master Polo would be in attendance, and I just had to find him. For some reason I’ve become obsessed with figuring out who he is. So, let’s see here. There were plenty of gorgeous women at Trolley Tour, and I spend the evening stalking a guy. Welcome to Loserville, population: me.

And to make things worse, Master Polo never showed.

Post-Trolley Tour drinking venues included Big Foot, E&H, the Tap Room, and the Black Diamond. If anything interesting happened I don’t remember it.

Bluff City Coffee at 505 S. Main is now open. Good to see a coffee shop in the South Main district.

All right. I’m bored. Time to hit the Publish Post button and go outside.

So, on Monday I promised that I would post a major announcement today. I gave out a few hints. I said that it involved points east, far to the east, of my home in downtown Memphis. I said that it could have something to do with a visa, and travel. And the announcement would make me very, very happy.

Here’s the thing… as you know, I have nothing but love and respect for the residents of Germantown, Cordova, and Collierville. I think my blog posts over the past two years have reflected that. But I don’t feel I’ve been fair to the good people of those communities.

You see, if you travel to Germantown, Cordova, and Collierville, points far to the east of my home in downtown Memphis, you will find many cute little boutiques where you can use your visa card to buy tube tops.

But I feel I’ve done a disservice to those boutiques. They were undoubtedly counting on a full 30 days of Tube Top Month to drive customers to their shops. However, I had to interrupt Tube Top Month for 10 of those 30 days to deal with the crime issue. As a result, some of those boutiques won’t hit their summer revenue targets. Some of them may even have to close. And that’s a shame because I really, really care about the girly-girl boutiques in East Bumblef… I mean, Germantown, Cordova, and Collierville. I want to them to do well. I want them to prosper.

Therefore, for their benefit, I’m pleased to announce that

TUBE TOP MONTH IS HEREBY EXTENDED UNTIL JULY 31!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!

Just checked my tracker and discovered a hit from the IRS. Uh-oh. Am I being investigated? Are they going to audit my return this year, and they’re looking for evidence in my blog posts to use against me? Not that they’ll find anything – my return was legit – but that’s definitely a major pain in the butt that I’d rather not go through.

I noted the time of the visit and checked to see the referrer – what link the IRS person followed to get to my blog. He came from Google. He had done a search on

“He who goes forth on the Fourth with a fifth,
may not go forth on the Fifth.”

… and Google referred him to my blog’s archives. I remember posting that last year but can’t remember what the post was about. It’s a good bet that it had something to do with tube tops.

Anyway, he wasn’t investigating me. Whew.

Major announcement still to come this afternoon.

This morning, as soon as I got to work, I sent an e-mail to my manager, requesting Monday off. He granted it immediately. So I have a 4-day weekend. I also e-mailed the Commercial Appeal and told them I’m taking a week off from Deal of the Week on Sunday.

I need the time off. I want 4 days without any obligations or responsibilities. I am exhausted.

I think I began to realize how worn out I am when I came home from the Mpact event Wednesday night, and wrote about it in my personal journal: “I went in there with an agenda. I approached key people and talked to them about Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis and handed them cards. In that respect I was successful. But I didn’t have fun. I used to go to After Hours and look forward to meeting new people and talking and laughing. I didn’t do that tonight.”

I realized that most of this month has been like that. And I don’t regret any of it. We’ve made incredible progress with RSDM – getting a website up, meeting with the police, doing TV interviews, receiving invitations to speak at meetings. But now I’m worn out and need a break.

It’s not just RSDM. It’s all the other little things I need to get done. As of yesterday I still hadn’t renewed my car tags. So I drove out to the CarreFour center at Poplar and Kirby, in the center with Borders bookstore, where I’ve always had good luck renewing my tags in the past. What I found was an empty office, with a note on the door that it had moved 2 miles further to the east.

I realized there was no way I could drive even farther out, get the renewal done, and still make it back to Midtown in my lunch hour. So I said to myself, screw it, I’ll do it tomorrow, still one day left in the month. I took my laptop and headed into Borders. I fired it up, ordered a drink, and sat down.

Then I discovered that Borders no longer offers free Wi-Fi. They now charge for it, using the same system that Starbucks does. So I had just wasted four bucks on a drink and couldn’t connect. My lunch hour was a complete waste.

Later in the afternoon, the guy who cuts my hair called. He had his floors waxed recently and they had taken apart his computer system. He asked if I could come out after work and put everything back together. He and I trade out – he cuts my hair for free and I provide computer consulting for free. Over the past year, I have come out way ahead on the deal – I’ve needed haircuts far more often than he has needed computer work. So when he said he really needed his computer to be set up in time for Trolley Tour, how could I say no? I owe him. Besides, I thought, hooking up a computer system isn’t hard.

Not long after that, a reporter from ABC 24 contacted me about doing an interview about RSDM, to be run on the air that night. They literally wanted me to drop what I was doing and meet for an interview. Fortunately Mike was less busy and was able to take that one.

After work, I went out to set up the computer system. What I found was a box of assorted equipment and wires lying on the floor. Some of it was part of the computer system, some of it was not. It took 10 minutes just to untangle all the wires. Now, the basics – keyboard, monitor, printer – were no trouble to get set up once I found the cables. But the DSL was a problem. I don’t have DSL at home – I have cable – so I’m not familiar with setting it up. A new installation, with the equipment right out of the box, and an instruction manual, I’m sure I could do that. But a box full of random equipment – including several extra phone jacks thrown in the box that may or may not be part of the DSL setup – that’s more of a challenge.

So I finally took a guess at which parts were involved in the DSL system and pulled them from the box. Right about then this woman who was the hair stylist’s next customer plopped down in the computer chair. “Mind if I sit here to make a phone call?” Geez. It was obvious I was putting the computer system together, and you’d think I just might need access to the front of the computer! So I stood there for about 5 minutes waiting for her to finish her call. Finally she looked up and asked, “Oh, am I in your way?” Hey, ya THINK?

So I attempted a couple of DSL configurations, neither of which worked. Then I tried to plug the phone back in so the salon wouldn’t miss any appointment calls. That didn’t work either. I tried to get someone to help me – but the hair stylist had a customer, his assistant was busy sweeping up, an artist was sitting in a corner working on a painting, a woman was getting her nails done in a different part of the shop, and back in the back a couple of people were looking at some women’s clothing items being sold there. It was chaos.

Finally I got the hair stylist’s attention and he asked how I was doing. “I gotta be honest with you, I can’t figure out what any of this stuff is,” pointing to the box of tangled wires and equipment.

“Typical computer guy!” said the woman with the cell phone. I wanted to strangle her.

Finally I got the basics hooked up – no DSL though – and he thanked me and I left. I drove home. All right, I thought, I’ve got an hour to relax and get in a better state of mind, then I’ll hit the Peabody rooftop.

Then the fire alarm in my building went off. So I got to walk down 13 flights of stairs and wait 25 minutes for the fire department to determine it was a false alarm. A friend of mine who is an accountant, who had an appointment with someone in the building, walked up. He’s a great guy and usually I’m happy to see him. But I was so worn out, my mindset was, “Great, one more person I have to talk to.” My voice was cracking as I talked. I sounded like a 14-year-old boy.

Finally they let us back up. I got on the computer, answered a few e-mails, drank some water.

Then the fire alarm went off again. This time I didn’t even bother going down. If I die, I die, I thought. So I sat there and listened to that damn siren for 20 minutes.

By then it was 8:00. My nerves were fried. I didn’t even attempt the Peabody rooftop. I just wanted to go sit in the Tap Room and drink a beer. Some girls in tube tops walked by. I thought, those are the girls I would’ve talked to if I hadn’t had such a crappy day.

My mood actually improved once I was at the Tap Room. It’s one of those places I can always depend on. The bartender welcomed me back (it’s been a while since I’ve been there), and some friends came in and I talked with them. I snapped the pic of myself at the bar. Mike called and said the interview came off really well on TV.

So now it’s lunchtime today. I decided that I just don’t have it in me to go to the vehicle renewal place and stand in that long line. Screw it. I’ll renew the tags on Wednesday and just not drive the car between this afternoon and then. If I get pulled over by a cop Wednesday morning on the way to work for expired tags, so be it. Surely they’re lenient the first few days of the month on that kind of thing. Not sure if I’ll have to pay some kind of penalty for renewing late. If that’s the case, again, so be it. But it’s not happening today.

So, here’s the plan for this weekend. I’ll be at Trolley Tour tonight. I’m going by myself. If I find a group of people I feel like hanging out with, great. If I end up hanging out by myself all night, that’s fine too. Maybe I’ll jump from group to group. But I’m going to do what I want, all weekend, without obligations or responsibilities. I’ve got to have this weekend to be me.

I’ll probably be at Sleep Out’s for Sunday brunch. There will also be a point where I’ll probably break off from the group and do my own thing. I’m not doing Sunday poker night. I may go to Blues City and see FreeWorld Sunday night, but I’m leaving it open until I get there. Not sure from where I’ll be viewing Monday’s fireworks, but I have 3 days to figure that out. Not sure whether I’ll do trivia Tuesday or something else, but I have 4 days to figure that out.

One thing’s for sure: I’m going to do exactly what I want for the next 4 days, not anything else, and I’m going to have a great time doing it. By Wednesday I will be recharged, energized, ready to go.

I’ll still be making blog posts throughout the weekend as the mood strikes me. The major announcement I promised will be posted sometime this afternoon.