(Names and dates are fictitious, but this is all based on too much of my reality.)
Thursday the 1st, 7:30 AM
(At my downtown networking group. We’re going around the table, giving each other referrals that we’ve picked up in the past week. Larry, a professional resume writer, stands up.)
Larry: I have a referral for Paul. Paul, my friend Wes Schneider is a podiatrist, and most of his patients pay through insurance, but a few pay out of pocket, and he’d like to be able to accept credit cards to accomodate them. So I gave him your card and told him you’d call.
Me: That’s great, Larry, thank you! I’ll call him today.
Larry: Please do, he’s anxious to get moving with this, and he said he plans to use you, based on my recommendation.
Thursday the 1st, 10:30 AM
(phone rings)
“You have reached the offices of Dr. Wes Schneider. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep.”
Me: Hello, Dr. Schneider, my name is Paul Ryburn. Larry Smith asked me to give you a call. He said that you are interested in getting set up to accept credit cards at your office, and I can get that done for you. You can reach me at 555-8888. Thanks and have a great day.
Thursday the 1st, 4:00 PM
Receptionist: Dr. Schneider’s office, may I help you?
Me: Yes, this is Paul Ryburn, I left a message for Dr. Schneider this morning. Larry Smith told me that he would be interested in accepting…
Receptionist: Dr. Schneider has left for the day, may I take a message?
Me: Yes, if you can tell him that I’m the guy Larry Smith referred to him, who will get him set up to accept credit cards, that would be great. My number is 555-8888.
Receptionist: Oh, you’re the credit card person! Yes, he wants to talk to you. I’ll let him know you called.
Me: Thank you.
Friday the 2nd, 2:00 PM
Receptionist: Dr. Schneider’s office, may I help you?
Me: Yes, this is Paul Ryburn, I called yesterday for Dr. Schneider…
Receptionist: He’s out of the office all afternoon playing golf, can you call back Monday?
Me: I sure can. Have a great weekend.
Saturday the 3rd, 11:40 PM
(At Club Whatsitsname, a downtown nightclub. I’m standing at the bar, having just bought a Maker’s Mark and Coke. A cute brunette approaches.)
Cute brunette: Hey, where do I know you from?
Me: Hmm, don’t know, do you live downtown?
Cute brunette: Midtown actually. I know, you’re in Mpact right? I went with my sister to one of their events and I think I saw you there.
Me: That must be it. Was it the one at Earnestine & Hazel’s?
Cute brunette: Yes! (hugs me) It’s so good to see you again! (another hug) Actually, I’ve seen you around several times. You used to teach, didn’t you? My name’s Beth.
Me: I’m Paul, nice to meet you.
(15 minutes of small talk follows. Beth moves progressively closer and stares into my eyes for longer and longer periods. Then a redhead taps Beth on the shoulder and gestures)
Beth: I think my friends are about to leave, so I have to go. But it’s been great talking to you! (big hug) Do you want my number?
Me: Yeah, let’s get together next weekend for a drink. (I write down number)
Beth: I would LOVE that! (kiss on cheek) Call me! (walks away with friends)
Monday the 5th, 9:45 AM
(phone rings)
“You have reached the offices of Dr. Wes Schneider. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep.”
Me: Hello, Dr. Schneider, my name is Paul Ryburn, the credit card guy Larry Smith referred. I hear you’re interested in getting set up to take MasterCard and Visa. You can reach me at 555-8888, and we’ll get you set up. Thanks.
Tuesday the 6th, 3:00 PM
(phone rings)
“You have reached the offices of Dr. Wes Schneider. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep.”
Me: Hello, Dr. Schneider, this is Paul Ryburn the credit card guy again. Just wanted to get back to you on getting set up to take MasterCard and Visa. Larry said you’re anxious to get started, so just give me a call back at 555-8888. Thanks.
Tuesday the 6th, 7:00 PM
(phone rings)
“Hi! This is Beth! I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I’ll call you right back!”
Me: Hi Beth, this is Paul. We met at Club Whatsitsname Saturday night. Hope you had a great weekend. I’ll try to call you again later in the week, or you can reach me at 555-8888.
Wednesday the 7th, 8:15 AM
(my cell phone rings)
Me: Hello?
Male Voice: Paul? Wes Schneider here.
Me: (scrambling to remember who the hell he is) Oh! Dr. Schneider! Thanks for calling me back. How are you?
Male voice: Call me Wes. Listen, I want to apologize for not getting back with you last week, but I was out on the golf course. You know how that is. I shot a 75!
Me: (No idea whether that’s a good score – I hate golf) Wow…that’s…really something. Well, it’s good to finally talk with you, and I’d like to set up a time to talk with you about credit and debit cards. Does tomorrow work, or would Friday be better?
Wes: The rest of this week is looking real busy, the HMOs have been sending a lot of business my way. Why don’t you give my receptionist a call first thing next week, and we’ll set up a time to talk.
Me: Sounds good, Wes, I look forward to talking with you, and good luck with your golf game this weekend.
Wednesday the 7th, 7:30 PM
Female voice: Hello?
Me: Hello, is this Beth?
Female voice: No, this is her sister, Lauren. Beth is outside, I can go get her. May I say who’s calling?
Me: This is Paul, I met her at Club Whatsitsname Saturday night.
Lauren: Okay, Paul, hang on and I’ll get her.
(…)
Lauren: Paul, Beth is outside painting and she’s all messy right now. Can she give you a call back in a little while?
Me: Sure, my number’s 555-8888.
Saturday the 10th, 1:30 PM
(phone rings)
“Hi! This is Beth! I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I’ll call you right back!”
(*click* No message. I give up.)
Monday the 12th, 9:00 AM
Receptionist: Dr. Schneider’s office, may I help you?
Me: Yes, this is Paul Ryburn. Dr. Schneider asked me to call today to set up an appointment.
Receptionist: Okay, what kind of foot problems are you having?
Me: No, I’m not a patient, he had asked me to call him about accepting credit cards.
Receptionist: Oh, yes, I remember now. He’s with a patient, I’ll have him give you a call in a little while.
Monday the 12th, 3:30 PM
(phone rings)
“You have reached the offices of Dr. Wes Schneider. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep.”
Me: Dr. Schneider – Wes – this is Paul Ryburn, you asked me to give you a call about credit cards. My number is 555-8888. Hope to talk to you soon.
Tuesday the 13th, 1:00 PM
(Out on the road. I stop in Starbucks and try their new Strawberries & Cream Frappucino. I work on my laptop for about an hour and then get up to leave. A blonde stops me.)
Blonde: You’re…Paul right?
Me: Yeah…
Blonde: I’m Kim! Beth’s friend? Who you met at Club Whatsitsname?
Me: Oh! Kim, now I remember.
Kim: So, why haven’t you called my best friend?
Me: I did call her. I got her voice mail one time, and I…
Kim: OH..MAH..GOD. You SO have not called her.
Me: Yes I did. Did she not get the messages?
Kim: Of course she didn’t, because you didn’t call her, silly! Listen, you’d better give her a call soon, or I am going to be SOOOO mad at you. She REALLY liked you. She was so excited when you told her you’d call and ask her out for a drink.
Me: That’s cool, I’ll call her tonight. Hey, can you give me her number again? (I had thrown it away after the third unsuccessful attempt to reach her)
Kim: 555-6767. You better call her!
Me: I will, tonight.
Kim: PROMISE???
Me: I promise.
Tuesday the 13th, 8:00 PM
(phone rings)
“Hi! This is Beth! I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I’ll call you right back!”
Me: Hi Beth, this is Paul from Club Whatsitsname. Your friend Kim told me you might not have received my messages last week. Give me a call back at 555-8888, I’d still like to grab a drink with you.
Wednesday the 14th, 11:30 AM
(phone rings)
“You have reached the offices of Dr. Wes Schneider. No one is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message after the beep.”
Me: Wes, this is Paul Ryburn. If you’re still interested in accepting credit cards from your patients, give me a call at 555-8888 and we’ll set you up. Thanks.
Thursday the 15th, 8:30 AM
Receptionist: Dr. Schneider’s office, may I help you?
Me: This is Paul Ryburn, I had talked to Dr. Schneider about credit cards, is he in?
Receptionist: Yes, he’s here. Let me transfer you.
(Finally!)
Wes: Paul! How ya doing, buddy!
Me: Hello Wes! It’s good to finally get you on the phone.
Wes: Yep, I’m a hard man to reach hahaha. But I appreciate you staying on me about this credit card thing, I need to get it done. How’s tomorrow morning look for you?
Me: Looks wide open, let’s meet. 10:00? 11:00?
Wes: 10:00 at my office?
Me: Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you tomorrow, Wes.
Thursday the 15th, 4:50 PM
(Home for the afternoon, preparing to go hang out in the coffee shop. My cell phone rings.)
Me: Hello?
Wes: Paul? Wes Schneider here, buddy! Listen, I’ve had something come up. I’m leaving town Saturday morning to play the Robert Trent Jones golf course down in Alabama, and I’ll be gone for two weeks. My wife is more or less DEMANDING that I spend the day with her tomorrow. So I need to cancel our meeting. But I’m still interested, if you want to give me a call after I get back in town, we’ll get together. How’s that sound?
Me: (my blood is absolutely boiling; gritting teeth) Sounds fine. Enjoy your golf trip, Wes.
Thursday the 15th, 9:00 PM
(phone rings)
“Hi! This is Beth! I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I’ll call you right back!”
Me: Beth, this is Paul. Just calling to see what you’re up to this weekend. My number’s 555-8888.
Monday the 19th, 7:10 PM
(phone rings)
“Hi! This is Beth! I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I’ll call you right back!”
(*click*)
Thursday the 22nd, 5:00 PM
(Done for the day, I walk to Jack’s Food Store for a Mountain Dew. As I cross Jefferson at Main, I pass Toothless Crackhead, Homeless Person with Bad B.O., and Pigeon. My cell phone rings.)
Me: Hello?
Female voice: Hello, Paul? This is Beth? How ARE yoooouuuuuu???
Me: Beth! I’m doing well, how are you? I’m surprised to hear from you, I’ve been trying to get in touch with you. Did you get my messages?
Beth: I did. You know how us girls are. You just have to keep trying. But you’ve got me now. It’s so GOOD to hear your voice!
Toothless Crackhead: Hey man, lemme get a cigarette from you.
Me: I don’t smoke, man.
Beth: Paul, I am so sorry about my friend Kim jumping all over you. I hope she didn’t make you too mad.
Me: No, I was actually glad to hear you still wanted to talk, I…
Toothless Crackhead: Hey man, how about some change, a dollar or something?
Me: Can’t you see I’m on the phone? GO AWAY! (Toothless Crackhead wanders off, muttering something about me being a racist.) (Then, to Beth:) I’m glad to finally get to talk to you. But you know what would be even better – to talk to you in person. I was about to head to this bar called Swig downtown, why don’t you m…
(Click)(Click)
Beth: Paul, can you hang on a minute? I have a call on the other line.
(Silence for a couple of minutes)
(Click) Beth: Paul? I’m sorry but I have to get off. My mom just called, she thinks the cleaning woman stole some of her jewelry and she’s FREAKING OUT. I have to get over there. But I want to see you this weekend. I’ll give you a call later this evening. Okay?
Me: That’s fine, I’d appreciate it if you’d give me a call back though, it’s so hard to get in touch with you.
Beth: I will, I swear I will. Can’t wait to see you this weekend. Bye…
Thursday the 22nd, evening
(No call from Beth)
Friday the 23rd
(No call from Beth)
Saturday the 24th, 1:10 PM
(phone rings)
“Hi! This is Beth! I can’t come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I’ll call you right back!”
(*click*)
Monday the 26th, 6:00 PM
(Walking across the street to Walgreens to buy toothpaste. Gas Can Bum, Liquor Store Bum, and Homeless Woman with Shower Cap are outside. Cell phone rings)
Me: Hello?
Beth: Hello Paul? This…is…Beth! How are YOU? Oh my god Paul…I have GOT to tell you about my weekend, this party I went to with my sister. What are you doing right now?
Me: Just doing a little shopping. Um, Flying Saucer in 30 minutes?
Beth: It’s a date! Oh my god, we’re finally going to get to hang out, I’m so EXCITED!!! See you in a few!
(I go in and buy the toothpaste. As I walk out the phone rings again.)
Me: Hello?
Beth: Paul, it’s Beth. You remember my friend Kim? Her boyfriend just dumped her and she is CRYING, Paul, I mean she is absolutely DEVASTATED. I have got to get over to her, so I’m going to have to cancel our plans for the Saucer. Is that all right? You don’t totally hate me now, do you? Hey, we’ll get together this week though, give me a call later tonight, okay?
Me: I’ll be in touch, Beth. Bye. (and I hang up)
Bum: Hey, big dog, hey mane, let me holla at you for a minute. Look here, brother, I need to get about ninety-two cent.
(If I ever hear a bum correctly pluralize “cents” I will be so shocked that I’ll probably give him the money. By the way, did you know that Thunderbird sells for $1.92 at the liquor store?)
Me: I don’t have any money for you, but do you want a free phone? (I hand him my cell phone)
Bum: You serious?
Me: I don’t want it anymore, it’s yours.
Bum: You ain’t no cop or nothin’, is ya?
Me: No, I just really don’t want to ever touch a phone again. Take it. Now, a couple of people may call. A girl named Beth. She’s cute, if she calls, you should get together with her.
Bum: Aw yeah? You think she’ll give up tha booty for me?
Me: I think a man like you is exactly what she deserves. Now listen, you may get a call from a guy named Wes, too. Do you have any foot problems?
Bum: Feet? Yeah, man, last year I got drunk and tripped over an empty bottle of Colt 45 and it shattered and got all up in my feet! I couldn’t walk for about 3 days, man. There’s still a big ol’ bump there, you wanna see?
Me: (stepping way back) No, no, that’s all right. Anyway, a guy named Wes may call you on that phone, he can fix your feet. I bet you could persuade him to do it for free, too.
Bum: Free? I like the sound of that. I likes me some free. Hey man, are you sure you don’t got no ninety-two cent?
Me: No, just the phone. Enjoy it.
(and I walk away. The End.)