As I write this, we are currently without a Pope. The college of cardinals will meet in the coming week to elect one. In this transitional time, I’ve been thinking what the next pope can do to reach a 21st-century audience.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s time for the pope to update his image a little. Instead of appearing on the balcony and chanting a blessing in Latin, it’s time to turn to the medium of the masses: rap.
POPESTER IN THA HIZZY
(c) 2005 Paul Ryburn. All rights reserved.
Listen up, party people, on your spiritual search
Listen to the grandmaster of the Catholic Church
‘Cause the Vatican is where I make my home
And some people know me as the Bishop of Rome
I’m the P-O-P-E to tha S-T-E-R
And the Popemobile is what they call my car!
The windows are covered in bulletproof glass
So can’t nobody bust a cap up in my ass
As I ride through the crowd, and preach the Word loud
And try my best to make St. Peter proud
‘Cause Peter was the first, he was Popester number one
And a personal acquaintance of God’s only Son
So listen up, party people, you women and you men
I will tell you what is righteous, I will tell you what is sin
Let us all come together on this most holy day
Bend down on our knees, bow our heads, and let’s pray.
We love thee
We praise thee
You GO God!
You GO God!
With yo bad self
The Catholic Church, in its infinite knowledge
Brought its leaders together in the Cardinal College
And they elected me, they said I be’s da man
Who can lead the church like no one else can
So I come with blessings for each and every one
The bishops, the priests, the cardinals and the nuns
Looking mighty sexy in my flowing papal robe
I give shout-outs to my dawgs across tha globe
You Italian priests and you bishops from France
Shake it down, shake it like you got a bee in your pants
And you American priests, stand up and make some noise!
You ain’t Michael Jackson, stay away from the young boys
My name is the Pope, I bring the world hope
If you ain’t down with Jesus, you must be smoking dope!
So spread the word across the Holy See
That the man they call the Popester is in tha hizzy!
Popester in tha hizzy fo shizzy in tha zero zero five, dawg
Know what I’m sayin’?