Current state of mind

Is it possible to be madly in love with your life and deeply depressed at the same time?

Yesterday a friend asked me for a restaurant recommendation to take people from out of town. I gave him one, and later in the day my friend told me his guests had the time of their life at dinner. That made me so happy to hear. That made my day, knowing others had a great time because of my suggestion.

A couple of nights ago, I was talking to another friend of mine, who owns a recent startup business Downtown that is doing quite well, even better than expected. He heard I mentioned him on my blog and he checked it out. “I’m not a person who reads blogs, but I read yours for over an hour,” he told me. “I went back three or four months. You have your own unique way of explaining things.” It makes me happy to be told that I bring something unique to the world.

A couple of years ago, I was at Bardog the Friday before the Monroe Avenue Fest. Aldo was there making last-minute plans, and was rather annoyed that the company renting him their PA system was charging him a hefty amount, not giving him even a little break considering the event was raising money for the kids of St. Jude. I reached out to a few people and found someone who gave him a much better price. Knowing I contributed to the festival’s success pleased me greatly.

It’s not just Downtown stuff either. In 1997, I had an English major add my Computer Literacy class at the last minute, needing to get a general-education requirement out of the way. By the end of the semester, however, she loved working with computers so much that she changed her major. After she graduated, I took her with me to the local computer users’ group so she could network. She is now a highly-sought cybersecurity consultant living in Las Vegas and I remain in touch with her. I am so proud to have influenced the course of her life, and I know she is not the only student I had that kind of effect on.

I’m a writer. I’m a teacher. I’m a connector of people. I’m an inspirer. I’m creative. Those are the greatest gifts I bring to the world.

And now I once again find myself hunting for a job – in a field that really doesn’t use any of those gifts. It depresses me greatly. I know many of you see me out and I seem happy. And I am happy when I’m with the friends that I love dearly and who love me.

What you don’t see is the person who wakes up at 6 AM and lies there for two and a half hours, horrible thoughts rushing through my head, paralyzed with fear. The person who finally gets up and paces the floor for an hour, getting nothing productive done.

I really wish I could say more about those thoughts, but this is a public blog and I can’t control who sees it.

Time to hit Publish and get the day started. I should spend the rest of today looking for recruiters and job applications and talking about things like controllers and scrum and Angular and SQL.

But today, I just can’t. Maybe tomorrow.