Special guest post
by Perjorie T. Roll
Greetings and salutations! I’m Perjorie, Paul’s troll. Paul wore himself out doing a nightmare election post earlier this morning, so I’m handling this morning’s daily news. We have a huge announcement coming out of AutoZone Park to discuss. But first, here’s a picture of me!
The other two trolls in this photo certainly are skinny, aren’t they? They could stand to eat a hamburger or two.
Now, on to my announcement – I would like to nominate AutoZone Park as Good Neighbor of the Year. I have three reasons for this nomination:
First of all, the folks at AutoZone Park are going out of their way to provide top-quality, safe entertainment in the middle of a pandemic. Saturday night they will show one of the all-time classic movies, Trolls World Tour, on the big screen. Tickets are free but you have to claim yours in advance.
A ticket allows you to sit in a pod as part of a group of up to 8 people or trolls. There are only a limited number of pods available, which is why you have to claim yours in advance. Pods are social distanced from each other. You can add a food order at the time you claim your ticket.
Masks must be worn at all times when inside the park. Chairs are not permitted on the field but blankets are encouraged. Gates open at 6 PM Saturday and showtime is 7.
Let’s move on to the second reason I feel AutoZone Park deserves to be named Good Neighbor of the Year: inclusive language. Let’s have a look at the first paragraph of the park’s press release about the movie:
MEMPHIS, Tennessee –The Redbirds are inviting kids, adults and trolls to enjoy a free showing of the hit movie Trolls World Tour from the field at AutoZone Park this Saturday, Oct. 17.
In this human-dominated society, it is heart-warming to see that AutoZone didn’t default to human-only language in its press release. That happens far too often. AutoZone is sending a message that trolls are welcome and are first-class citizens.
Third, AutoZone Park’s management is in touch with the desires of the surrounding community. No doubt they are aware that my brother Mendatius and I live a mere two blocks from the park’s front gate, and took that into consideration when selecting the movie.
In other news, early voting in Tennessee begins today. Here’s a list of early voting locations in Shelby County. When you early vote, you can do it at any location, not just your designated polling place which is the only place you can vote on Election Day. Bill Dries of the Daily Memphian is back with his excellent Ballot Basics column. It tells you everything you need to know about the voting process.
For those of us Downtown, the Election Commission at Second and Poplar is the most convenient place. It offers short wait times, COVID-19 precautions, and scenic views of 201. That’s where Paul is going. He talks about early voting and keeps saying that he doesn’t plan on waiting until November Third to flush the turd. I’m sure Walgreens has medicine that could help with that.
People who take their dogs and trolls out for walks are reporting that males in hoodies are trying to open car doors in the area around Front Street and the railroad tracks. Make sure you lock your doors.
The Shelby County Health Department released guidelines for celebrating Halloween yesterday. TL;DR: If it’s fun, it’s not permitted, or at the very least it’s frowned upon.
- Halloween parties that draw large crowds are prohibited
- Parades are prohibited
- Festivals are prohibited
- Haunted houses are prohibited
- Carnivals are prohibited
- Trick-or-treating is not recommended
- Trunk-or-treating is not recommended
I wonder if bars will throw Samhain parties the last Saturday of October, kind of like they throw Big Game or Superb Owl parties the first Sunday of February?
The list of safe activities to celebrate Halloween is pretty depressing:
- Online Halloween parties and costume contests (Because there’s so much you can do! You can throw a virtual dance party, a virtual game night… ALONE, TOGETHER!)
- Drive-by events
- Decorate your home
- Drive-in Halloween movies
- Outdoor, social distanced events
Side note to hackers: If you’re looking for something to do today, see the bullet list above.
Shelby County officials say the fall wave of COVID is here. A huge number of new cases were reported yesterday in Shelby County, and this time it wasn’t due to a backlog. Thank goodness they got the bars open before the fall wave hit. Otherwise it might be months before you saw any pictures of me standing next to Paul’s PBR.
Which reminds me… here’s a pic of me standing next to Paul’s PBR. I’m digging the new can art!
Very important: Note that the beer and I are standing on a table pulled up next to a bar, not on the bar itself. If either of us were on the bar, Paul would catch COVID. The health department says so!
The Downtown Neighborhood Association is inviting people and trolls to assist with their Fight the Blight program. In association with Two Broke Bartenders, this program hires furloughed service industry workers to clean up blighted lots in our neighborhood. Sponsorship starts at $500 and gets your business promoted to the DNA’s 12,000 members and on their social media.
Disabled Memphis residents: There’s a Ticket to Work Open House for you 10 AM to noon today. Services are free for those 18-64 receiving SSI or SSDI benefits. The open house is in Suite 800 of the Falls Building at the corner of Front and Court.
The Mersey Beatles concert at the Orpheum tonight has been canceled but it is still showing up on social media. Come Downtown anyway and enjoy some homestyle Italian dining at Cocozza, a troll-friendly restaurant a block up Main inside the Majestic Grille space.
Paul says we’re going out to the Silly Goose after he gets off work, so perhaps there will be a photo of me standing next to a pizza or some nachos on tomorrow’s blog. Keep scrolling to read Paul’s post from earlier this morning on the nightmare election scenario no one has thought of. Paul will be back tomorrow with more news.