Author: paulryburn

Today’s post is of an educational nature. Here’s a link to an article that will teach you how to make a cootie catcher.

The captain of the Mormons for Gay Polygamy trivia team was running around the Saucer all weekend playing with one of these. Now, that may cause you to think that the Mormons’ captain is a 7 year old girl, but no, it’s a 28 year old male.

The weekly trivia contest is tonight at 7 PM and let me assure you, the Rapscallions are ready to open a can of whoop ass like we never have before.

Just checked the tracker… geez… this blog got 460 hits yesterday. I guess people like reading drunk posts, inside jokes with friends and info about what all the bums are doing downtown. Oh, by the way, there’s a new bum on the streets. He carries a harmonica around and plays it – badly. He’ll follow you around blowing on that stupid thing until you give him money so he’ll go away. Now that’s a bum gimmick I’ve never seen before. I posted a list of bum gimmicks a few years ago – I need to update it.

Hungry… think I’ll stop at Quizno’s and pick up an Italian sub on my way back to work. You know one of the things I hate most about having an 8-to-5 job? I have to go to lunch at the same time everyone else goes to lunch, and stand in long lines. When I had non-traditional jobs I’d always go at like 2:30 and have the entire restaurant to myself. I miss those days.

Blah. Back to work.

I’ve just decided, I’m hungry for BBQ nachos. But it’s after midnight and I’m not sure where I could still get them.

Obviously the Redbirds game ended hours ago. The Pig on Beale is closed. Big Foot has them but their kitchen shuts down at 11 on weekdays. Neely’s would require driving a car and they’re closed anyway. Denny’s is still open but do they serve BBQ nachos?

It’s been a while since I took a date to Denny’s. The “come on, I’m taking you out for a nice dinner” date, usually made at Raiford’s at 3:45 in the morning. Never fails to impress. The “Moons Over My Hammy” sandwich is always a winner.

Okay, I just found their website. In particular the “Mini Burgers” (6 mini burgers with mustard and onions surrounding a mound of crisp golden-fried onion rings) sound like a winner.

Damn a lot of their menu is actually starting to sound good. I need to get to bed before I walk down there.

Despite this being a drunk post it actually contains useful valuable information. A couple of weeks ago Mikey the Camera Nazi borrowed my camera to take some pics of a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. He gave the camera back to me and said, “Just let me get the pics from you whenever. I’ll buy a memory stick or something and you can put them on there.” Of course, life got busy and it never happened. Not the first time. Back in the winter the Nuh-Uh Girl waited more than a month for me to get her some pics that were on my camera, and she lives within 2 floors in my building. I’m lazy about downloading and exchanging pics, obviously.

Never fear – Otto to the rescue. He told me about this site called yousendit.com where you can upload files for free, up to 100 MB in size, and then e-mail people and tell them the files are ready for download. So I uploaded Mikey’s file and sent it tonight. Otto is the man.

I got to the Saucer around 6:00 and left at 11:43. I outlasted the “I have to be home by 8:00 in time to watch 24” crew (no it wasn’t Terry who said that, although I can understand how you might think it was), and the “let’s throw darts and listen to Jarrett talk shit” crew. My tab was $22.50. On Pint Nite. Maybe I need to slow down. It won’t happen until 2012 at the earliest though.

This morning it was finally time to deal with the flat tire. I looked in the phone book and found a tire shop at 455 Union, about half a mile from my parking garage. At that point I had a decision to make – put the spare tire on the car (which I’ve never done in my life, and don’t know how to) or just drive with the flat tire and hope it makes it? Of course, I chose the option which required the least possible effort – driving on the flat. Luckily the car got there. It was one of the scariest drives of my life though.

The Majestic was PACKED for brunch yesterday – apparently everyone decided to go there after Easter services. I tried one of their Easter specials, the lamb with new potatoes, asparagus and sugar glazed carrots. Lamb is one of those dishes that can come out either really good or really awful. The Majestic’s was really good – the way they cooked it really brought out the flavor, and the sides complemented the lamb well. The portion was so big that I couldn’t finish it, although the Nuh-Uh Girl was happy to step in and assist. Even though the place was busy, we (the brunch crew) were unusually quiet, mainly because our show-tune-singing diva was absent.

After brunch we walked into the Saucer the very MINUTE it opened – 4 on the dot – and hung out there for a few hours, then some of us went to McGuinness. And that was about it… just another Sunday.

Kicked some ass at pool this weekend… I’ve gotten pretty good over the past year. Need to find my pool mentor Kenny (from the 1990s Six-1-Six pool room) and play a few games with him, to see if I’ve made it to his level yet. I also threw some darts this weekend, and discovered that not only am I not improving, but I’m actually getting worse.

It’s the day after Easter, so candy is on sale. Think I’ll run by Walgreens before my lunch break ends. Maybe I’ll pick up a large bag of pastel-colored Cadbury milk-chocolate Mini Eggs to try and tempt my favorite blogger to come downtown and hang out. There’s a good chance I’ll eat them myself before she does though.

Pint Nite at the Saucer tonight. I should be there around 6.

Geez… this was a boring post… I need to start posting drunk again.

Check out this article in today’s Commercial Appeal, where the results of a new poll show that Mayor Herenton is even more vulnerable than people realized.

The article has a quote from a South Memphis resident which is absolutely on point: “He acts like he owns this city.” EXACTLY. Mayor Herenton, summed up in one sentence.

In one of the poll questions, voters were asked to rate the mayor’s performance on a report-card scale, and he averaged a C-minus, with more than 40% giving him a D or an F.

Looks like King Willie may lose his crown when the October elections get here.

So about 5 yesterday I headed to the Saucer for a beer, and my buddies Chad and Chuck showed up shortly thereafter. I told them that I missed the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament because I had a flat tire. “Well, why didn’t you call us back?” they asked. “We tried calling you around 11. We were all fired up about going! We were going to drive you out there! We left you several voice mails.”

“What?” I asked. “I haven’t had any calls all day!” I looked at my phone, which indicated no new messages.

“When we called, it went straight to voice mail,” Chuck told me. “Hang on, I’m calling you now.” My phone did nothing. “See, it went to voice mail.”

I clicked the green “call” button on my phone. A window popped up on the screen. “Call mode is currently turned off,” it said. “Would you like to turn it on?”

Then I remembered. Back around Wednesday, I was trying to figure out how to reboot my phone (it’s one of those Pocket PC phones) so it would install an update and figure out that it’s Daylight Saving Time. I couldn’t find a “Restart” option, so I tried putting it in “airline mode” (which shuts off the phone feature so it’s safe to take on airplanes). I never put it back in call mode. So that’s why no one has been able to reach me!

Dammit! I could have made the tournament, and with someone else driving, I would’ve been able to drink as much free beer as I wanted.

In other news… Clay, the captain of the Mormons for Gay Polygamy trivia team, is upset that I bragged about beating his team this past week on my blog. Most of all he’s annoyed that I have the Comments feature turned off, because he wants to talk shit back to me and can’t. “Fine then,” he told me. “I’ll start my own blog.”

Um. Dude. Come on, what would you write about? “Today I’m going to brunch and after that I’m going to the Saucer. Monday I’ll be going to the Saucer for Pint Nite, and then Tuesday night is trivia night at the Saucer.” Do you really think that kind of stuff is going to draw hundreds of readers a day?

Congrats to my friend Otto, who’s purchasing a condo this month. He has pics of the new condo, which is still under construction, on his blog.

All right, time to get out of here. Today I’m going to brunch and after that I’ll probably go to the Saucer, which opens at 4 today. Tomorrow morning I’ll deal with the flat tire, go to work, and then in the evening I’ll do Pint Nite at the Saucer. And then Tuesday it’ll be trivia night at the Saucer, where the Rapscallions plan to hand Clay’s team another devastating loss. Happy Easter everyone.

So yesterday about 6, I was on my way out the door when I heard this -THUNK!- coming from my bedroom. I ran in there and discovered that the clothes rack in my closet had collapsed and my clothes were lying there in a pile. I looked at it for a minute then said “Ah, screw it,” and went to get a beer.

This morning I started to pick up the clothes… everything was OK… my suits got the worst of it, but that’s a good thing because I never wear suits. As I was cleaning I got myself fired up for the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament this afternoon.

So about 1:30 I walked to the parking garage to drive to the tournament and guess what I found… flat tire. I thought “who can I call for a ride” for a minute, then decided I wasn’t really THAT interested in spending the afternoon at the Cordova Fox and Hound, anyway, with a 63/64 chance that I would lose and NOT go on to Las Vegas.

So I stayed home and had a productive afternoon. Sorted my clothes into “stuff I wear” and “stuff I wore 10 years ago” and bagged up the second category. Cleaned the bathtub, which had gotten positively disgusting, and rewrote my MySpace page. Not all that exciting, but exactly the kind of stuff I need to be doing when it’s 41 outside, so I don’t have to do it when it’s 81 outside.

Still haven’t done my taxes yet though. I may have to file for an extension. Done that before, no big deal.

Not sure where I’ll end up tonight. I’ll stop by and see my waitresses at some point, for sure. I may end up at Superior Bar on Beale Street, where Snozberry is playing – I met the guys in the band yesterday at the Saucer. Superior Bar is really starting to impress me. When it opened a year ago, I saw them trying to attract the same crowd that Rhoney G draws across the street at 152, and wrote it off as a waste of time. But now they’re booking good bands – not only Snoz, but they now have the Eric Hughes Band playing regularly. That’s the band that played for years at the Blues Hall on Beale, before River City Management in an incredibly stupid move let them go. Anyway, Superior seems to be doing a lot to book good entertainment, and to appeal to locals. Worth giving another chance.

Brunch at the Majestic tomorrow, and then Monday morning I get to deal with the tire.

Every now and then I get e-mail about the website advertised at the top left of my blog, Memphis Discount Dining, where you can buy $25 gift certificates to popular restaurants for $10. People write and ask me, “Is this legit? It sounds too good to be true. Do you personally know the people running the site?”

Yes I do, and I can promise you it’s legit. Here’s how I know: IT’S MY SITE. I was purposely vague about this in the beginning, but I own that website, as well as a sister site, Little Rock Discount Dining. It’s an affiliate partner program through a national company, Restaurant.com, that handles the gift certificate programs. Every time someone orders those certificates through my site (or through any link on my blog), I make a commission. And believe me, if I thought for even a second that this program was not legit, I wouldn’t list it – I’ve built up too much trust with my readers to just throw it away in order to make a few bucks.

Readers have ordered the gift certificates and have told me they successfully used them. As always, if you have any doubt, call the restaurants and ask if they take Restaurant.com gift certificates. I only want you to order them if you feel totally comfortable.

They’ve added some great new restaurants this month. Unfortunately they have not yet provided me with product links to add to Memphis Discount Dining, but you can get to the new restaurants by going to Restaurant.com and searching on your zip code. New restaurants include

• THE MAJESTIC GRILLE!!!!!!!!!!
• Cayenne Moon
• The Green Beetle
• Conte’s Italian Restaurant on Madison
• Equestria
• The Pig locations in Millington and Southaven
• Southern Crow Grill
• My Favorite Place (Germantown)
• Old Venice Pizza Company

In addition, through Easter Day, if you use the coupon code HOP at checkout, you get 40% off. So that means you can pick up $25 gift certificates for $6.

Hmmm… I may have to buy a couple of these for myself, since Patrick from the Majestic says he wants to cook me a steak. These would also make great gifts to go in Easter baskets.

So anyway, yes MDD is legit, and if you have any questions you can e-mail me.

Enjoying my day off so far… this morning I washed the dishes. To give you an idea how often dishes get done at my place, my Sam Adams “buy the beer, keep the glass” glass from last July 4 was still in the sink. Now I’m sitting at the Second Street branch office laptopping and having a beer. Not sure what I’ll do tonight.

Still looking for a few people to head to Cordova with me tomorrow for the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament. Free food and beer. Tournament starts at 2, so I’ll be heading that way about 1:15.

Happy Good Friday, and since I have the day off it IS a good Friday.

If you’ve spent any time at all Downtown, you’ve undoubtedly had to deal with Sharp Dressed Bum, one of the area’s most prolific street people – and one of the rudest, if you turn down his requests. He’s been down here for years, and while he’ll sometimes take breaks of a month or two, he never seems to permanently leave. This week I decided that he’s been here long enough to deserve his own theme song. Here we go.

I’m the S.D.B., and the place to be
Is begging for change outside the Peabody
Or the Rendezvous, or down on Beale
Main Street, Second Street, keepin’ it real

If you’re gonna be a bum, you better be sharp dressed
In linen pants that are neatly pressed
And a matching shirt, and a derby hat
And a nice pair of shoes, that’s where it’s at

‘Cause I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money.

‘Scuse me sir, hey dog, hey bro
I’m the Sharp Dressed Bum, and I’m the man to know
Where you from? Let me show you around
And tell you ’bout all the sights Downtown

But here comes the part where it gets kind of strange
Can I get fitty cent, a dolla, or some change
‘Cause I’ll tell you I ain’t eaten in about three days
It’s a lie, but I hope you’ll believe it anyways

Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!

Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!

Hunh
Aw I see how it is then
You ain’t gonna give me no money is ya
Punk ass

I’ll beat yo mothaf***in ass
Bitch
Get on outta here before I bash your head in
Crazy ass fool

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money…

And there ya go, that’s the theme song. Not sure it’s quite on the level with the other raps I’ve written, Popester in tha Hizzy and the Court Square Rap, but it gets the job done.

Earlier this week I had several “Ow, my leg” posts. I pinched the sciatic nerve that runs down my lower back and left leg, and it was painful to sit, stand, walk, lie down, you name it. The good news is, the leg has entirely healed and I’m walking normally today.

The bad news is, earlier this week, I attempted one of the most painful moves of all given the back/leg condition – getting out of my car. I pulled my left leg out too fast and OWWWW! – and I pulled back and banged my ribs against the steering wheel.

So now my leg is all better and my ribs on my right side hurt like hell. I can’t win.

Briefly went out, went to the Saucer, saw a crowd of about 90% guys, turned around and walked back out. Too cold to deal with the Peabody or EP rooftop parties. Hate to stay home tonight since it’s the beginning of a 3-day weekend, but that looks like the best option.