Saturday update

Started off last night at the Saucer to watch Mikey bless the kegs… they gave him a microphone, so to use one of his favorite phrases, we had Mikey Mike on the mikey mike. He used an old PBR pull handle to bless the kegs, which was rather ironic since the Saucer doesn’t serve PBR. His reasoning was, use the bad beer to bless the good beer. He’ll be blessing the kegs every Friday for the rest of the month at 5:30, and since they’re giving him total freedom to ad-lib his performance should get better every week.

After that, I took my friend Robert’s suggestion and went to the Flying Fish for fish tacos, which he said were the best he’s ever had. And you know what? He was right. They were REALLY good, and remember, I lived in San Diego for a while so I know a good fish taco when I taste it (fish tacos are to SD what BBQ is to Memphis). I would rank the Fish’s tacos higher than either Blue Coast Burrito or Costa Vida.

Home for a brief nap, then I was off to Raiford’s for opening night. They’ve raised the prices a little – I handed the door guy a 20 and got 5 back. Actually 4 back, since he pointed at the tip glass as he handed me my five ones. People may complain about a $15 cover but you know what? It’s freakin’ RAIFORD’S. You won’t have another experience like it anywhere in the world. If a dump like Alfred’s can charge 10 for a cover, Raiford’s can certainly get away with charging 15.

Only thing was, I was tired out from having been at the Saucer drinking beer all day… and of course, the first thing I did at Raiford’s was buy a 40. Then someone bought me a 40. I tried to dance a little after that, but was so tired I could barely stand. I went home about 1, which in the old days was about the time people started arriving at the club. Next time I’ll do better.

Raiford was back in the DJ booth, dancing to the music in his silver outfit. He played exactly the same tunes as he did back when he owned the club – Clarence Carter’s “Strokin,” Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” and “Sexual Healing,” Prince’s “Pussy Control,” Kid Rock’s “Cowboy,” and all his other usual stuff. It was great. And there were some BEAUTIFUL women in there last night… some I’d never seen before, and some I see Downtown every day who looked especially hot for the club’s grand opening.

Tonight I’ll probably go to Pearl’s Oyster House to catch Snozberry, then after that I may swing by EP’s. I heard that the new bar they’re adding on is either complete or almost complete, so I want to see what’s going on with that. Most likely I won’t make it to Raiford’s tonight… I just don’t have the energy to boogie down three days in a row.

Saturday afternoon… guess I’ll go out or something. Although, thanks to the weather I don’t really want to be outside all that bad. 90 in October for like a week straight, WTF is up with that? Guess it’s better than having a cold spell with the lows dipping into the 30s. Anyway, time to go drink a beer, see you later!

Blessing of the kegs this afternoon at the Flying Saucer

One of the widgets I have on my Google homepage is called “How To of the Day.” It’s usually been guy-centric, with lots of articles on how to build stuff and fix stuff. But it looks like they’re trying to appeal to women more – two of their recent articles were How to measure your bra size and How to just be friends with a member of the opposite sex.

I also have a “How Stuff Works” widget on my Google page, and they’ve got a bizarre article up as well – How Beijing Works. Haven’t you always wondered how the capital of China works? I know I have.

My quest to remain drunk all weekend seems to be going well. I’m now at the Saucer. I’m still in a foul mood thanks to the stupidity of Memphis voters.

Think I’ll wear the gold disco outfit to Raiford’s tonight. I need to walk down to Tater Red’s at some point this afternoon. I don’t have a pimp hat that matches the gold outfit, so someone suggested that I get a gold feather boa to wear with it instead. Tater’s would be the obvious place to find one. Last night I got accused of “peacocking” a couple of times, so now I know who else watches reality shows on VH1.

Since the Saucer has been doing a lot better about keeping the indoor room nonsmoking, I’ll give ’em a break and promote tonight’s event… Downtown legend Mikey will dress up as a monk and bless the Oktoberfest kegs this afternoon around 5:30ish. He thought he’d be handed a script, but no, they’ve given him free reign to say whatever he wants. That should be interesting indeed.

They’re doing their deal again where they’ve designated a beer for each team in the baseball playoffs, and when a team is playing you get a biggie (23 oz.) of that beer at regular price, like they do during Happy Hour. The teams and their beers:

  • Cleveland Indians – Killian’s Red
  • Chicago Cubs – Blue Moon
  • NY Yankees – Scrimshaw
  • Boston Red Sox – Sam Adams Lager
  • Colorado Rockies – Old Scratch
  • Philadephia Phillies – Anchor Liberty Ale
  • LA Angels – Sierra Nevada Brown Ale
  • AZ Diamondbacks – Shiner Bock

Based on those beer choices, GO CUBBIES!!! I need to print out their playoff schedule so I can make sure I’m at the Saucer during their games. Then again, I’m damn near always at the Saucer, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

The waitress at whom I always stick my tongue out is working. THHHHHHPPPPPTTTTTT! I did that last night and startled her and she nearly fell on her ass. It was funny.

I’m having a Naked Lion Copper Flask. Naked Lion is the company that wants to eventually build a microbrewery here in Memphis, so I’m sort of supporting the local economy. Besides, I’m quickly getting burned out on these Oktoberfests that they’ve been putting on Fire Sale. I think I’ll have a Foster’s Oil Can next.

I heard that CH Robinson blocked my blog because their employees were spending too much time reading it. Heh.

I shoulda sat on the couch. People like the window seats but the couches have the best view at the Saucer. I see London, I see France, I can see your… BUUUUUUURRRRRRRP. Drinking the Oil Can now. Heard someone say there was a major leak in the bathroom, one of the sinks. I’m going to have to take a major leak in the bathroom myself by the time I finish this Oil Can.

Can you believe this shit won Best Blog? Yeah, me neither.

I have my “I LOVE ROMANIAN GIRLS” T-shirt on today.

One of the members of Snozberry was just in here. He told me they’re playing Pearl’s Oyster House tomorrow night. So that’ll surely be a stop on the “Paul stays drunk all weekend” tour.

Battery’s almost dead. Time to post.

I did a shot at 9 AM this morning

I can’t deal with four more years of Willie. I seriously think I may just stay drunk all weekend. This morning I got up at 9 and did a shot of Tuaca. That’s a vanilla-flavored cognac that my friend Kevin turned me on to. Kevin used to be my bartender at Sleep Out Louie’s.

A couple of Downtown-related articles in today’s CA:

Food critic Fredric Koeppel reviewed The Flying Fish today. I like the Fish. I wouldn’t rate it as the best seafood restaurant Downtown – that’d be Pearl’s Oyster House – but the Fish’s food is good and I love the decor. Look for my Billy Bass on the wall if you go in (it’s on the bottom row). Glad Koeppel mentioned the fish tacos, which are one of the items I’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten around to yet.

I wonder if Koeppel had a ghost writer though… the Fish review seemed a lot different from his usual style. It was entertaining, witty and fun to read. After all these years he’s finally learning how to connect with his audience.

There’s also an article on the effort to clean up Uptown. Leaders are focusing on blight removal, tearing down dilapidated buildings, and helping the poor and elderly make the repairs they need so that their homes don’t become blighted.

That’s all for now… I’m going to take my laptop to the Saucer and work from there, so there may well be more blogging to come this afternoon. Good Lord I’m in a foul mood today. I think I’ll have another shot of Tuaca before I head up there.

Pics: Hollywood Disco aka Raiford’s

Last night I went to the preview party at Raiford’s, and I’ve got to tell you, it looks almost EXACTLY like the old Raiford’s. The only difference I noticed was different chandeliers. Dance floor’s still the same, stripper poles are still there, 40s at the bar, Paula grabbing my ass as she walks by. It opens to the public tonight at 10.

By the way, if your digital camera has a “Fireworks” mode, that’s probably your best bet for getting pictures inside Raiford’s when the fog machine is running.










Bite your tongue

I need to install a Breathalyzer on this laptop, which prevents me from posting or sending e-mail when my blood alcohol level is above .10. I’d guess I’m about twice that right now.

God I’m tempted to go off on a Downtown business that supported King Willie. It probably will happen, but I’m just trying to wait until I’m sober so I don’t drop the f-bomb 30 times in a 2-paragraph post.

As I type this it’s just after 7 AM. Four more hours until the Saucer opens. Then I can start drinking again.

Glad I took this week as a vacation week.

Until the bars open, back to bed… hope I can get back to sleep. Guess I’ll try counting sheep. Or imagining what my favorite blogger/MILF looks like naked. Or something.

God help us

Mayor Willie Herenton won a fifth term last night, with 45 percent of the vote.

Also, last night I got so drunk that I can barely type. I guess I’m going to have to stay that way for the next four years, to try and forget that this arrogant, corrupt fuckwad is my mayor.

On a better note, I attended a preview party at Raiford’s last night, and despite the fog machine I got pictures. As soon as I sober up (which, based on the way I feel now, may be sometime around the middle of next week) I’ll post ’em.

I think I was at EP’s at some point last night too.

The Nuh-Uh Sister had a tube top on last night.

God this city sucks.

Commemorative post: The 1-year anniversary of the "47 and change" incident

I’m proud to have a reputation Downtown as a good tipper. On most tabs I tip 30% for good service. If I’m drinking beers that are on sale, I tip either a dollar a beer or what 30% of the full price would have been, whichever is more, for good service.

Note that phrase – “for good service.” It explains why I tip well 99% of the time. Today we’re going to talk about an example of the other 1%, which happened one year ago today.

Even the best bars and restaurants – no matter how well they’re known for great service – occasionally make a hiring mistake. One year ago today I walked into one of my favorite hangouts, and one of the mistakes was working a shift as a server. It was her last shift – she had put in notice and was quitting. Her behavior over the previous month made me wonder if her bar’s training manual read something like this:

TRAINING MANUAL

1) If you don’t get exactly the shifts you want, whine and complain to management and keep whining until they change things and you get your way. After all, you’re a little princess and deserve to have your ideal schedule. And besides, none of your co-workers have anything important going on in their lives, like school or other jobs or family. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect everyone to rearrange their schedules for you.

2) If someone sits in your section and orders an inexpensive drink and sips it as he works, that’s not good. After all, small tab means small tip. Therefore you should roll your eyes and sigh and nonverbally express your disgust. True, he ran up a $25 tab two days ago and left you a nice tip, but that was then and now is now.

3) In order to assure your customers get prompt service, please limit your smoke breaks to no more than 20 minutes. Unless, of course, you have an important call to make on your cell phone – in that case, take as long as you want, your customers will understand.

4) If a cute guy comes in, feel free to spend as much time flirting with him as you want, even if it means completely ignoring your section. Again, your customers will understand.

5) When you work lunch shifts, it isn’t necessary to check on your customers more than once every 40 minutes or so. After all, people aren’t in a hurry to get anywhere in the middle of the day on weekdays.

6) If people fail to tip you well after you follow the rules listed above, it certainly isn’t a sign that you’re a bad server. Your customers are just being mean.

7) Here’s a way to recover from a bad tip or no tip at all: Put on a sad face and look like you’re about to cry. If you’re attractive, your customers (especially older males) will ask what’s wrong and then you can tell them. They will understand that the bad tippers were being mean to you and will tip you extra to make up for it. They certainly aren’t bright enough to figure out that you’re putting on an act, so go ahead!

8) If people tip you badly on credit card receipts, you can show these receipts to other customers in an attempt to get them to make up the difference. “See, this person tipped me 2 on 30. And this person tipped me 3 on 47.” There’s certainly nothing unprofessional about showing people’s credit card receipts to complete strangers, after all. And they certainly wouldn’t look at the receipts and come to the conclusion that other people think you’re a lousy waitress. They’ll feel sorry for you because you’re a little angel who can do no wrong, and they’ll tip extra.

9) If your customers show a pattern of leaving horrible tips over a long period of time, and you need to start making more money, you have two options: a) start doing a better job, or b) go to the mall and buy much shorter skirts to wear while you work. We recommend b).

10) At some point in the evening you will be “cut.” That means you’re free to leave as soon as you either transfer the tables you currently have to other servers, or as soon as the tables you have pay their tab and leave. Obviously you don’t want to transfer the tabs, because then another server will get your tips! On the other hand, you don’t want to have to stay around for another hour waiting for your current customers to tab out – you have very important things to after work, like letting some guy buy you drinks at the Black Diamond. So here’s what you do – you say to your customers “WELLY’KNOW YOUNEEDTO HURRYUPANDPAY BECAUSEIHAVETOGO” and act very agitated and upset if they haven’t left 5 minutes later (and left you a generous tip).

So anyway, it was the last night for this particular server. I had figured her out weeks before, and she hadn’t made any attempt to say hello or speak to me in a friendly manner in a while. I was at the bar, drinking a beer, when one of the other regulars came in. We talked for a few minutes, then decided to grab seats in this server’s section. I’ll admit, I did this on purpose, realizing that it would annoy her since I knew I was not one of her favorite people. However, at the time I didn’t have any plans to annoy her beyond that.

I ordered a $2.50 beverage and got the usual cold response and bad service. I ordered a $4.50 beverage and got the same. At that point my friend and I got to talking about another regular patron of the bar, someone who orders expensive beer and gets all picky about it being served in the proper glass. So I ordered one of those expensive beers, priced at $11. That was one dollar for every minute the beer sat at the bar waiting for the server to pick it up and bring it to me. It’s not that the place was busy, there were only a few tables – but there were several guys at one of her tables and she was busy flirting.

But, a funny thing happened around that time. The server started being nice again. Over the next 30 minutes she came over several times to talk. Once I ordered that $11 beer, it was like a little light bulb went off in her head – “Oh… he knows it is my last night… I bet he is running up a big tab, so he can leave me an extra-special tip. I should be nice to him.”

I finished my beer and she came back (remarkably, at the time I had just taken my last sip, not 15 minutes later as usual) to see what I wanted next. “I don’t know,” I said, thumbing through the drink menu. “So many choices. What do you recommend?”

She recommended the Rogue Imperial, which at $30 just happened to be the most expensive drink on the menu. But I’m sure it’s because she knew my tastes well and personally selected that choice for me, and not at all because she was trying to run up the tab.

About this time a light bulb in MY head went off. I knew she was looking forward to an extra-special tip, and I decided she was going to get one. Just not a big one. I ordered the $30 beverage. She was thrilled.

I waited for her to go to the back to take one of her legendary 20-minute smoke breaks, then I went to the bar and got a 20 changed out. My tab was now $48, which as far as I can remember is my record highest tab at this place (except when I’ve spent gift certificates). My plan was to leave her $48 in bills and the change in my pocket.

Then I pulled the change out of my pocket and examined it. There was well over a dollar. So I decided to modify my plan. When she came back, I asked for my tab. She brought it and walked off. I threw down not $48, but $47, in bills, slammed down the pocket change on top of it (causing it to scatter everywhere), high-fived my friend and walked out. Outside, we looked in the window and watched her pick up change off the floor.

This was about 8:00 on a Thursday night. The Dempseys were playing the Madison rooftop and I planned to run by my apartment for a minute, then head up there. As I walked into my building my phone rang. “Hello, who’s this?” I answered.

“Y’know who this is,” said the voice on the other end. “Hey, you didn’t leave enough money.”

“Yes I did,” I told her. “My tab was $48. I left $47 in bills. And there were 5 quarters among the change I threw down. So I did cover my tab.”

“So you are leaving me pennies.”

“Yup.”

“Well. Thank you for making my last night so memorable.” (click)

A little over a week later, I attended another Dempseys show at a bar in the Downtown area. Now, the thing is, this particular server had two jobs, both of which she quit at the same time, and this was the other bar where she worked. I was almost scared to order a beer there. People in the service industry tend to stick together, and I worried that there would be repercussions.

I was relieved to see a friend of mine tending the back bar. For some reason I tend to order particular drinks at particular bars – at this place it’s Smirnoff Ice. Yes, I know that’s a girly drink, but it’s a holdover from a club I frequented in the ’90s. So I got it and went off to see the show, coming back twice more for Smirnoff Ices. At the first break, I decided I was tired out. I went to the back bar and took out money. 3 x $4.50 = $13.50. I took out $17.50 to pay the bartender, including tip.

“Paul, you don’t have a tab tonight,” she told me.

“WHAT?” I asked, surprised. This bar is not known for giving away free drinks.

“People who work here picked up your tab,” the bartender replied. “People who work here heard what you did to ____ last week, and they want you to know that a lot of people here are very happy that you did what you did.”

Apparently she made friends everywhere in Memphis. She’s not here anymore, but this post is a salute to her and her waitressing “skills.”

Thursday update

Dammit… just got back from lunch, pulled up my favorite blogger/MILF’s blog, and found that she was looking for someone to go to lunch with. Shoulda e-mailed her, but, too late now. I had the Singapore Fried Rice from China Restaurant on Jefferson again.

My favorite blogger/MILF wrote about a topic of great interest today… she says it’s freezing in her office today, and she’s wearing a bra without much padding. “Yeah the boobs were on high alert,” she wrote. If she keeps writing quality stuff like this, I may vote her her as best blogger next year in the Flyer’s poll. A word of advice to her: PICTURES would definitely help make great posts like today’s even better.

So, I went to the Flyer’s party last night and it was AMAZING. The event was catered by many of the winners in the Best Restaurant categories and was absolutely out of this world. One of the biggest hits food-wise was the fried pickles from two-time Reader’s Choice winner for Best Restaurant, Big Foot Lodge. And the beer on tap: Stella Artois and Blue Moon! Oh and Coors Light, but who in their right mind would pick Coors Light over Stella and Blue Moon? I guess they had to have a keg of Coors Light to keep the party guests who live in Cordova, Germantown, and Collierville happy.

I was unsuccessful in using my blog to get a date for this year’s party though… ended up going with my friend Mikey. Oh well, if I didn’t get to enjoy the company of a hot babe this year, at least I got to enjoy the company of one of my good friends. Found out that Saturday night’s incident at the Westin – where 200 people on the Gibson rooftop watched a couple having sex in one of the Westin’s rooms – not only made the news on Karson & Kennedy’s radio show, but also Michael Donahue’s society column in the CA as well. Man oh man… bet those people will never show their faces in Memphis again.

Got another VIP party to go to tonight… can’t reveal where, because it needs to be kept a secret, but I will say that dancing will be involved, and that I’ll be consuming a very famous signature drink at a location somewhere Downtown. I RSVP’d for myself and a guest, so I guess I have about six hours to find myself a date. I’m not bringing Mikey again. If any hot babes are reading this and want to go to the most awesome party happening in the city tonight, shoot me an e-mail.

You know, I just realized why I’m never able to find dates: I hang out in a bar almost every day of the week whose clientele tends to be about 80% guys. Yeah, that could be part of the problem. Not that it will stop me from heading up there to get a beer as soon as I publish this post.

Speaking of that bar: After the Flyer party last night, I hit the Saucer about 10:30 and it looks like they’re finally sticking to their guns about keeping the inner room nonsmoking. The air in there was clear, and if anyone did manage to sneak a smoke in the inner room, they didn’t appear to be doing it with management’s blessing. Good for the Saucer.

I also got an e-mail from the management of the Majestic, assuring me that their smoking policy will be followed to the letter (it’s now all nonsmoking except the patio), so I’ll be able to enjoy my Sunday brunch there without breathing nasty, filthy smoke.

Coming tomorrow:
– Pictures of the party I’m attending tonight
– A tribute to a sensationally bad waitress (already have this one typed – it’s one of the longest rants I’ve done in a while)
– I’m sure that I’ll probably have something to say about the election
– Since the Saucer is playing by the rules regarding smoking, I’ll have more information about the Blessing of the Kegs, to happen tomorrow during Happy Hour.

Time for a beer!