Month: April 2007

Every now and then I get e-mail about the website advertised at the top left of my blog, Memphis Discount Dining, where you can buy $25 gift certificates to popular restaurants for $10. People write and ask me, “Is this legit? It sounds too good to be true. Do you personally know the people running the site?”

Yes I do, and I can promise you it’s legit. Here’s how I know: IT’S MY SITE. I was purposely vague about this in the beginning, but I own that website, as well as a sister site, Little Rock Discount Dining. It’s an affiliate partner program through a national company, Restaurant.com, that handles the gift certificate programs. Every time someone orders those certificates through my site (or through any link on my blog), I make a commission. And believe me, if I thought for even a second that this program was not legit, I wouldn’t list it – I’ve built up too much trust with my readers to just throw it away in order to make a few bucks.

Readers have ordered the gift certificates and have told me they successfully used them. As always, if you have any doubt, call the restaurants and ask if they take Restaurant.com gift certificates. I only want you to order them if you feel totally comfortable.

They’ve added some great new restaurants this month. Unfortunately they have not yet provided me with product links to add to Memphis Discount Dining, but you can get to the new restaurants by going to Restaurant.com and searching on your zip code. New restaurants include

• THE MAJESTIC GRILLE!!!!!!!!!!
• Cayenne Moon
• The Green Beetle
• Conte’s Italian Restaurant on Madison
• Equestria
• The Pig locations in Millington and Southaven
• Southern Crow Grill
• My Favorite Place (Germantown)
• Old Venice Pizza Company

In addition, through Easter Day, if you use the coupon code HOP at checkout, you get 40% off. So that means you can pick up $25 gift certificates for $6.

Hmmm… I may have to buy a couple of these for myself, since Patrick from the Majestic says he wants to cook me a steak. These would also make great gifts to go in Easter baskets.

So anyway, yes MDD is legit, and if you have any questions you can e-mail me.

Enjoying my day off so far… this morning I washed the dishes. To give you an idea how often dishes get done at my place, my Sam Adams “buy the beer, keep the glass” glass from last July 4 was still in the sink. Now I’m sitting at the Second Street branch office laptopping and having a beer. Not sure what I’ll do tonight.

Still looking for a few people to head to Cordova with me tomorrow for the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament. Free food and beer. Tournament starts at 2, so I’ll be heading that way about 1:15.

Happy Good Friday, and since I have the day off it IS a good Friday.

If you’ve spent any time at all Downtown, you’ve undoubtedly had to deal with Sharp Dressed Bum, one of the area’s most prolific street people – and one of the rudest, if you turn down his requests. He’s been down here for years, and while he’ll sometimes take breaks of a month or two, he never seems to permanently leave. This week I decided that he’s been here long enough to deserve his own theme song. Here we go.

I’m the S.D.B., and the place to be
Is begging for change outside the Peabody
Or the Rendezvous, or down on Beale
Main Street, Second Street, keepin’ it real

If you’re gonna be a bum, you better be sharp dressed
In linen pants that are neatly pressed
And a matching shirt, and a derby hat
And a nice pair of shoes, that’s where it’s at

‘Cause I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money.

‘Scuse me sir, hey dog, hey bro
I’m the Sharp Dressed Bum, and I’m the man to know
Where you from? Let me show you around
And tell you ’bout all the sights Downtown

But here comes the part where it gets kind of strange
Can I get fitty cent, a dolla, or some change
‘Cause I’ll tell you I ain’t eaten in about three days
It’s a lie, but I hope you’ll believe it anyways

Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!

Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!

Hunh
Aw I see how it is then
You ain’t gonna give me no money is ya
Punk ass

I’ll beat yo mothaf***in ass
Bitch
Get on outta here before I bash your head in
Crazy ass fool

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money…

And there ya go, that’s the theme song. Not sure it’s quite on the level with the other raps I’ve written, Popester in tha Hizzy and the Court Square Rap, but it gets the job done.

Earlier this week I had several “Ow, my leg” posts. I pinched the sciatic nerve that runs down my lower back and left leg, and it was painful to sit, stand, walk, lie down, you name it. The good news is, the leg has entirely healed and I’m walking normally today.

The bad news is, earlier this week, I attempted one of the most painful moves of all given the back/leg condition – getting out of my car. I pulled my left leg out too fast and OWWWW! – and I pulled back and banged my ribs against the steering wheel.

So now my leg is all better and my ribs on my right side hurt like hell. I can’t win.

Briefly went out, went to the Saucer, saw a crowd of about 90% guys, turned around and walked back out. Too cold to deal with the Peabody or EP rooftop parties. Hate to stay home tonight since it’s the beginning of a 3-day weekend, but that looks like the best option.

Before we get started… ATTN SUNDAY BRUNCH CREW: Patrick from the Majestic e-mailed to inform me that they WILL be open for Sunday brunch, at the regular hours. I replied, thanking him and letting him know that some of the regulars would like Tif to dress up in a bunny costume. He said he’d pass it on

Soooooo recently I mentioned that the City Schools are bringing me on permanently. Being a government institution, there’s tons of paperwork to fill out, tons of hoops to jump through. One thing I have to do is go get a physical – I have to get a doctor to sign a note saying that I don’t have any health problems that could endanger the students. Not that I’m ever around students – I’m a web developer at the Board of Education. Nonetheless, I have to get it done.

A friend recommended that I go to Harbor of Health over on the Island, which offers same-day appointments. So I hit their site and printed out their patient intake form, so I could fill it out ahead of time… some of the questions I have to answer… oh boy.

“How many servings of green, yellow or red vegetables do you eat on average per day?” Um. OK. Let’s see. When I get nachos from Huey’s, there are tomatoes on the nachos, so that’s one. When I get a burger from Big Foot, I take the tomato off, so that’s a zero. Now, when I get grilled tilapia (“Make it SNAPPY!”) from the Flying Fish, I eat the squash and zucchini that come with it – that should count as 2. When I go to the Majestic, I look over the salads on the menu and then get a burger, so that’s a zero. When I get hot wings from the Saucer or Big Foot, I eat the celery and carrots, so that’s 2. Guess I’m doing all right there.

“How many times a week do you exercise?” Well, here I have an advantage, because I have a gym in Number 10’s basement. And I go down there a couple of times a week because that’s where the building’s coke machine is located. So I’ll go with 2. Oh, what the hell, 3, I drink a lot of coke.

“What type of exercise do you prefer?” Wild sex with hot Romanian girls. Hey, it said what type I PREFER, not what type I actually DO.

“Do you drink alcohol? How often? What kind?” Um. Yeah. Oh boy. Maybe I should just respond “See paulryburn.com/blog for the answers to these questions.”

I have the feeling I’m going to get one of those doctors who tells me all the things I need to be doing differently to be healthy. Which is different from what I want, which is a doctor who will sign the damn form and let me get on my way.

Anyway, other than little speed bumps like the physical, I’m well on my way to going permanent. In fact, one of my co-workers told me this week, “Paul, now that you’re going to be around for a while, you need to decorate your cubicle. You know, put up some pictures of your loved ones.”

Fine. I’ll take the camera up to the Saucer tonight and take some pics of the waitresses.

Heading there now.

I was just flipping through the real estate ads in the back of the Memphis Flyer, and I found an ad for a condo at 310 S. Main that’s being rented back out at $1500 a month. That condo would be about a half block walk to the front door of Raiford’s. To borrow a phrase from my favorite blogger/MILF, how much ass would that kick.

I wonder if property values in that immediate vicinity command a “Raiford’s premium,” a little bit extra for the convenience of having a short stumble home from Raiford’s on the weekends. And being able to offer your friends a place to crash so they don’t have to drive home from Raiford’s. And being able to offer drunk, hot females who you just met 45 minutes ago at Raiford’s a place to crash.

Whaddaya suppose they’d be asking for monthly rent for that unit if Raiford’s weren’t around the corner? I’d go $1375 tops.

For the second time in a week, here’s a place I’d be seriously interested in, were I not locked into a lease at Number 10 for the next 11 months. I mean, it would still be about equal distance to the Saucer, so I wouldn’t lose the ability to walk to my favorite weekday bar… only difference is, I’d be getting drunk Green Beetle to-go food on the way home instead of drunk Big Foot/Huey’s food.

Normally the Sunday brunch crew starts at the Majestic around 11 to kick things off with food and a few mimosas or bloody marys… then about 2, we head to the Flying Saucer. But this week, we’re going to need to amend the schedule, because the Saucer doesn’t open until 4 because it’s Easter.

Come to think of it, I never asked if the Majestic will be open Sunday. Guess I need to shoot them an e-mail and make sure.

Worst case scenario, if it’s not open, Big Foot is open regular hours on Easter Sunday. So I guess I could sit in there and drink 34 oz. Big Foot Beers for five hours until the Saucer opens. If that happens I may actually think I’ve seen the Easter Bunny.

The folks at Porter-Leath saw my post about the Rajun Cajun Crawfish Fest to be held Sunday, April 22, and sent more information.

It will run from noon to 6 PM, on Wagner Place between Union and Beale overlooking the river. There will be two stages featuring Cajun bands “Lafayette’s Bayou Boys” and “Terry and the Zydeco Bad Boys” from Lafayette, LA.

They’ll be giving away 500 pounds of free crawfish at noon (in past years they’ve given each person a large styrofoam cup’s worth) and there will be tens of thousands of pounds more for sale. Lines tend to get long after about 1:00; if you don’t want to stand in line, you can get an All Access pass to “The Swamp” for $40 ($70 couples) and enjoy all the crawfish and gumbo you can eat, as well as shady seating and a great view of the band. They also have a Lagniappe Pack available – 10 all-access passes and 10 limited-edition T-shirts.

There will be other food vendors as well, beer, and games for the kids including crawfish games (with live crawfish – crawfish races, crawfish bobbing, and more). This is one of my favorite festivals of the year; come on down.

Speaking of crawfish… I came home for lunch today, and am enjoying a to-go order of crawfish etoufee from the Court House Deli. Good stuff. First time I’ve been in there since they relocated to 22 S. Main.

In other news: My trivia team The Rapscallions took first place last night, bringing our total stash to $85. I want to give a pep talk to the team for a minute. In recent weeks, we’ve suffered several losses to a relatively new team, Mormons for Gay Polygamy. But, don’t get discouraged: Remember last summer, when Drinking Liberally formed a team and beat us several weeks in a row… but then they stopped winning and eventually disappeared. Same thing will happen to the Mormons – just give it time. I think last night was the turning point, the beginning of their long slow decline. You could tell that their team leader Clay was rattled – realizing his team had been beaten, he didn’t even stick around to hear the announcement, leaving his team members behind to collect the second-place prize. His official excuse was “I want to get home before the rain,” but it was just that, an excuse. So, go team! Let’s make April one of those months when we win first place all month long.

Coming soon – it’s time to give Sharp Dressed Bum his own theme song.

One of my regular blog readers who lives in my building e-mailed the following:

FYI, I popped in the new convenience mart at the
corner of Second and Madison across from our parking
garage today after work. I asked a kid working there
about the hours. The family that runs it appears to
be foreign-born — Lebanese maybe. Anyway, the kid
said that they would be open 7 am to 1 am on weekdays
and would be open on weekends, too, until 4 (am or
pm?). I had noticed several weeks ago that they
applied for a beer permit, but I didn’t check to see
if they have beer in stock.

I hope they have Mountain Dew in 20-ounce and 32-ounce bottles.

Ow. My leg. I had to leave work at 2:30 this afternoon because sitting in the office chair was just killing me. I watched my DVRed copy of The Apprentice’s episode last night while standing up through the whole thing. My leg is tolerable if I stand and move, but if I sit and/or stand and/or sleep in the same position for long periods of time, it’s over. I discovered that if I take my pants off and rub ice on my leg for a few minutes, I feel much better, but I don’t know if that’s acceptable behavior at work.

I did manage to limp down to the Saucer to watch the first half of the national championship game, then watched the second half with friends at Barton Flats.

My favorite blogger/MILF bought a yellow tube dress this weekend. “Do tube dresses count?” she asked. Yes, as long as there are no straps, tube dresses are acceptable.

Ow. My leg. It’s time for me to go to bed, and lying in one position for 8 hours is going to kill me. It’s just about guaranteed I’ll be late to work in the morning, seeing as how activities like getting in the car now take minutes rather than seconds. Hopefully it’ll heal up soon.

Hello everyone! I decided to drive home to do my lunchtime post today. Looks like something was on fire at Madison and Claybrook in the Medical Center area. There were several fire trucks and police cars, and they had the hoses out. The police had only one westbound lane of traffic open on Madison and were turning all eastbound traffic around. There were TV crews filming, but as of yet I haven’t found any info online.

Budweiser called me this morning to inform me that the finals of the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament have been moved to The Fox & Hound Cordova this Saturday, April 7 at 2 PM. Oh goody. East Bumblefuck. Unfortunately this is not a continuation of the April Fool’s joke post. I’ll still make the best of it though. They told me to bring friends and there will be a free buffet and beer, so I guess I’ll see who I can round up to head out there with me.

Yesterday I was walking down the Main Street Mall and noticed that there’s an apartment available at Main Street Flats. If anyone’s looking to move Downtown, or to move to a better place Downtown, you need to check this out immediately. These apartments are as nice as most of the condos in the area, and feature high ceilings, exposed brick and hardwood floors. They’re on Main between Union and Gayoso. If you’re interested in this apartment I recommend calling them NOW – don’t put it off until later in the day, this is a rare opportunity and someone will grab it quickly. If I hadn’t just renewed my lease at Number 10 I’d be looking into this one myself.

Here’s a contribution you can make to American culture: You can help run one of the worst shows in the history of television, American Idol, off the air. There’s a website called Vote for the Worst, encouraging people to call into Idol and vote for the worst singer on the show, currently a guy named Sanjaya Malakar. Howard Stern promoted it and it’s starting to affect the results – Malakar is still around, even though he’s terrible. I was told that Simon Cowell has threatened to quit at the end of the season if Malakar becomes this year’s Idol. The show doesn’t know what to do about it, since the rules say fan voting determines who gets eliminated. Hmm. Normally I wouldn’t be caught dead watching Idol but now I may have to call in and vote for Sanjaya. Here’s a link to a New York Times article about the site and the controversy.

Question to NASCAR fans: Why does everyone hate Jimmie Johnson so much? I don’t follow the sport enough to keep up with the personalities… but a couple of our local bloggers absolutely can’t stand the guy. What’s the deal?

Donald Trump retained his hair last night at Wrestlemania, shaving the head of WWE chairman Vince McMahon. However, after the shaving Trump took a Stone Cold Stunner from guest referee “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, who apparently hates all billionaires.

Ow! I strained a muscle in my leg and it hurts like hell. I woke up at 2:30 this morning and couldn’t get back to sleep because of it. I think I’d be OK if I just walked it out, but since I have to sit in a cubicle all day there’s really no chance to do that until after 5.

After that I’ll be able to treat my leg with the all-purpose pain reliever – beer – at Pint Nite at the Flying Saucer. The DOWNTOWN Saucer, in case there’s any doubt. I’ll be drinking Sunset Wheat. The national championship game is on tonight: Florida vs. Ohio State. The captain of my BBQ team is an Ohio State alum, and I don’t know anyone who went to Florida, so Go Bucks, I guess.

Back to work. Ow. My leg. Guess I’ll take Union this time.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Happy Sunday everyone! I’ll start off today’s post with some big news – I’m MOVING!!! It all started last week, when my favorite blogger/MILF wished that she lived in the apartments next to Cordova Huey’s. “How much ass would that kick,” she wrote. I realized she was right – that would kick more than just a bit of ass. So I called the apartments and they had a unit available. How lucky am I! I’ll be moving this week.

These apartments are tha BOMB… you step out on your balcony and Germantown Parkway is RIGHT THERE. Seriously, there’s no better view in the city. The strip malls… the other apartment complexes… the traffic… just breathtaking. It almost makes me want to cry… or is that the smog. I’m surprised the apartment building hasn’t gone condo yet. If it ever does you KNOW I’m buyin’. Yeah, it’s a lot of money to scrape together, but smart homebuyers know that there are things like adjustable-rate mortgages and interest-only mortgages, which make home ownership accessible even to people who can’t afford it. Yay for the kind, benevolent souls in the mortgage industry! Maybe I’ll go with LowerMyBills.com, their ads are all over the Internet so ya know they gotta be legit. They always have “Bad Credit OK” on their ads… maybe I should forward a link to their site to Edmund Ford.

Today’s Sunday, so of course I’ll be doing brunch this morning. Think I’ll go to Bahama Breeze this week, they have the best food in town. Of course, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that I’ll be doing brunch AFTER church. Gotta get my church on! Since it’s staying light outside later these days, I hope to have time for a round of golf after brunch.

Ya wanna hear something that sucks? I heard about a restaurant that has the most unique, fascinating menu I’ve ever seen… but I can’t go there. It’s called “Jillian’s” and you wouldn’t believe some of the things they cook there. They have this item called “cheese sticks” where they dip mozzarella cheese in batter, and then they fry it and give you a tub of SYSCO marinara sauce for dipping! Does that sound yummy or what? They also have these things called “jalapeno poppers” which are jalapeno peppers stuffed with cheese and fried. Truly the chefs at Jillian’s do with a fryer what the great painter Michael Angelo did with a brush and canvas, back when he was alive.

But anyway, even though the menu at Jillian’s sounds all kinds of awesome, I can’t go there because it’s downtown – WAY too dangerous. Ya know, someone got murdered down there once, two or three years ago. I’m sure if I drove down there, I’d get robbed or stabbed at the very least. Jillian’s needs to find a nice spot on G-town Parkway where its customers will feel safe.

Is Wolf Chase Mall not the greatest place EVER? I could shop there seven days a week and never get tired of it. My only small complaint is the clothing they sell at some of the women’s stores – it’s a bit immodest. They’re selling these tank tops held up by only a skimpy pair of spaghetti straps – I mean, what’s next, are they going to get rid of the straps altogether and just have a tube to wear? Heavens to Betsy, what’s the world coming to?

I need to contact fellow blogger Semi-Charmed Kat and find out if it’s too late in the year to join The Grand Krewe of Ptolemy. It costs $300 but that’s a small price to pay for friends… and the Ptolemy folks are SO effin’ cool. Sometimes they’ll throw these theme parties that are SO awesome… last year they had one where everyone dressed up like golf pros and tennis hoes. Are these not the wildest, craziest, funniest, most partying people in town? And I really love their formal coronation events too… there’s nothing I love more than getting dressed up in black tie. And if I’m really lucky, maybe I’ll get my photo in RSVP Magazine… oh my God, can you imagine it, MY photo in the SAME MAGAZINE as 19 photos of Kevin Kane??? Everyone in Memphis would know I’ve just MADE it socially.

AND, Ptolemy throws a lot of their events at the hippest place in Memphis, the University Club. Love me some U-Club. The people at the U-Club are so much fun. My kind of people. If my hero Dick Cheney were a Memphian I bet he’d hang out at the U-Club.

The thing about the UClub is, it’s like an oasis, a little slice of heaven in the otherwise perverted, debauched neighborhood known as Midtown. God… what a sick place THAT is. The entire neighborhood is nothing but a bunch of homos. But what do you expect, after we had 8 years of Bill Clinton. Yeah he balanced the budget, but he flushed America’s moral values down the proverbial sewer in the process.

I tell ya what about Midtown, couple of months ago I was driving down Madison avenue, and I saw this bar called “Boscos,” and I thought to myself, you just KNOW it’s one of THOSE bars. You know, where every item on the menu is really a code word that lets the rest of the bar know what kind of kinky perversion you’re into. Like if you order a golden wheat beer, you’re announcing to everyone that you’re into golden showers. Or, if you order a tossed salad, you’re saying that you like to have your salad tossed. And if for dessert you order a fudge brownie… well, I think we all know what THAT means.

I am SO excited about living out in the ‘Dova. I used to work out there, you know, off Whitten Road. Come to think of it, I should stop by and visit my old company. There was this HOT French girl, wonder if she’s still there. European women are so sexy. Wait, let me clarify that. WESTERN European women are sexy. Eastern European women, on the other hand, look like they fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. I remember one time I met some girls from this little backwater country that was called “Rumania” or something like that, and it made me wonder if the Russkies did nuclear testing there in the 80s and it produced some genetic mutations. Those girls were just HIDEOUS.

Tomorrow’s Monday, so I’ll be at the Cordova Flying Saucer for Pint Nite. Not that it matters much to me that it’s Pint Nite though, since I always order Bud bottles. My friends tell me I need to take advantage of the $2.50 drafts to try something new, but I figure, why experiment when you’re already drinking The King of Beers!

Actually, I don’t ALWAYS order Bud bottles at the Saucer… sometimes I like to order a nice glass of chardonnay.

Not that the Saucer is perfect by any means… I mean, bars are a MAN’s world. When I go there I want to watch sports and talk about manly topics with other men. They should fire all those girls that work there – they just get in the way. I’d come in a lot more if they had an all-male staff.

A few days ago I saw the coolest pants ever. This guy was wearing a pair of khakis which were basically like the ones all the guys at the ATO house have on, but they had these little green tennis racket emblems embroidered all over them. How. Awesome. Is. That. I want a pair. OMG OMG OMG WANT THEM WANT THEM WANT THEM. I would be the fashion icon of Cordova with those pants on. If I find them I’ll buy 7 pairs so I can wear them every day.

Well, anyway, that will do it for my post for April 1. I want to make sure I get a good seat at church this morning, so I better get going!