Paul Ryburn's Journal

So about 5 yesterday I headed to the Saucer for a beer, and my buddies Chad and Chuck showed up shortly thereafter. I told them that I missed the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament because I had a flat tire. “Well, why didn’t you call us back?” they asked. “We tried calling you around 11. We were all fired up about going! We were going to drive you out there! We left you several voice mails.”

“What?” I asked. “I haven’t had any calls all day!” I looked at my phone, which indicated no new messages.

“When we called, it went straight to voice mail,” Chuck told me. “Hang on, I’m calling you now.” My phone did nothing. “See, it went to voice mail.”

I clicked the green “call” button on my phone. A window popped up on the screen. “Call mode is currently turned off,” it said. “Would you like to turn it on?”

Then I remembered. Back around Wednesday, I was trying to figure out how to reboot my phone (it’s one of those Pocket PC phones) so it would install an update and figure out that it’s Daylight Saving Time. I couldn’t find a “Restart” option, so I tried putting it in “airline mode” (which shuts off the phone feature so it’s safe to take on airplanes). I never put it back in call mode. So that’s why no one has been able to reach me!

Dammit! I could have made the tournament, and with someone else driving, I would’ve been able to drink as much free beer as I wanted.

In other news… Clay, the captain of the Mormons for Gay Polygamy trivia team, is upset that I bragged about beating his team this past week on my blog. Most of all he’s annoyed that I have the Comments feature turned off, because he wants to talk shit back to me and can’t. “Fine then,” he told me. “I’ll start my own blog.”

Um. Dude. Come on, what would you write about? “Today I’m going to brunch and after that I’m going to the Saucer. Monday I’ll be going to the Saucer for Pint Nite, and then Tuesday night is trivia night at the Saucer.” Do you really think that kind of stuff is going to draw hundreds of readers a day?

Congrats to my friend Otto, who’s purchasing a condo this month. He has pics of the new condo, which is still under construction, on his blog.

All right, time to get out of here. Today I’m going to brunch and after that I’ll probably go to the Saucer, which opens at 4 today. Tomorrow morning I’ll deal with the flat tire, go to work, and then in the evening I’ll do Pint Nite at the Saucer. And then Tuesday it’ll be trivia night at the Saucer, where the Rapscallions plan to hand Clay’s team another devastating loss. Happy Easter everyone.

So yesterday about 6, I was on my way out the door when I heard this -THUNK!- coming from my bedroom. I ran in there and discovered that the clothes rack in my closet had collapsed and my clothes were lying there in a pile. I looked at it for a minute then said “Ah, screw it,” and went to get a beer.

This morning I started to pick up the clothes… everything was OK… my suits got the worst of it, but that’s a good thing because I never wear suits. As I was cleaning I got myself fired up for the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament this afternoon.

So about 1:30 I walked to the parking garage to drive to the tournament and guess what I found… flat tire. I thought “who can I call for a ride” for a minute, then decided I wasn’t really THAT interested in spending the afternoon at the Cordova Fox and Hound, anyway, with a 63/64 chance that I would lose and NOT go on to Las Vegas.

So I stayed home and had a productive afternoon. Sorted my clothes into “stuff I wear” and “stuff I wore 10 years ago” and bagged up the second category. Cleaned the bathtub, which had gotten positively disgusting, and rewrote my MySpace page. Not all that exciting, but exactly the kind of stuff I need to be doing when it’s 41 outside, so I don’t have to do it when it’s 81 outside.

Still haven’t done my taxes yet though. I may have to file for an extension. Done that before, no big deal.

Not sure where I’ll end up tonight. I’ll stop by and see my waitresses at some point, for sure. I may end up at Superior Bar on Beale Street, where Snozberry is playing – I met the guys in the band yesterday at the Saucer. Superior Bar is really starting to impress me. When it opened a year ago, I saw them trying to attract the same crowd that Rhoney G draws across the street at 152, and wrote it off as a waste of time. But now they’re booking good bands – not only Snoz, but they now have the Eric Hughes Band playing regularly. That’s the band that played for years at the Blues Hall on Beale, before River City Management in an incredibly stupid move let them go. Anyway, Superior seems to be doing a lot to book good entertainment, and to appeal to locals. Worth giving another chance.

Brunch at the Majestic tomorrow, and then Monday morning I get to deal with the tire.

Every now and then I get e-mail about the website advertised at the top left of my blog, Memphis Discount Dining, where you can buy $25 gift certificates to popular restaurants for $10. People write and ask me, “Is this legit? It sounds too good to be true. Do you personally know the people running the site?”

Yes I do, and I can promise you it’s legit. Here’s how I know: IT’S MY SITE. I was purposely vague about this in the beginning, but I own that website, as well as a sister site, Little Rock Discount Dining. It’s an affiliate partner program through a national company, Restaurant.com, that handles the gift certificate programs. Every time someone orders those certificates through my site (or through any link on my blog), I make a commission. And believe me, if I thought for even a second that this program was not legit, I wouldn’t list it – I’ve built up too much trust with my readers to just throw it away in order to make a few bucks.

Readers have ordered the gift certificates and have told me they successfully used them. As always, if you have any doubt, call the restaurants and ask if they take Restaurant.com gift certificates. I only want you to order them if you feel totally comfortable.

They’ve added some great new restaurants this month. Unfortunately they have not yet provided me with product links to add to Memphis Discount Dining, but you can get to the new restaurants by going to Restaurant.com and searching on your zip code. New restaurants include

• THE MAJESTIC GRILLE!!!!!!!!!!
• Cayenne Moon
• The Green Beetle
• Conte’s Italian Restaurant on Madison
• Equestria
• The Pig locations in Millington and Southaven
• Southern Crow Grill
• My Favorite Place (Germantown)
• Old Venice Pizza Company

In addition, through Easter Day, if you use the coupon code HOP at checkout, you get 40% off. So that means you can pick up $25 gift certificates for $6.

Hmmm… I may have to buy a couple of these for myself, since Patrick from the Majestic says he wants to cook me a steak. These would also make great gifts to go in Easter baskets.

So anyway, yes MDD is legit, and if you have any questions you can e-mail me.

Enjoying my day off so far… this morning I washed the dishes. To give you an idea how often dishes get done at my place, my Sam Adams “buy the beer, keep the glass” glass from last July 4 was still in the sink. Now I’m sitting at the Second Street branch office laptopping and having a beer. Not sure what I’ll do tonight.

Still looking for a few people to head to Cordova with me tomorrow for the Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament. Free food and beer. Tournament starts at 2, so I’ll be heading that way about 1:15.

Happy Good Friday, and since I have the day off it IS a good Friday.

If you’ve spent any time at all Downtown, you’ve undoubtedly had to deal with Sharp Dressed Bum, one of the area’s most prolific street people – and one of the rudest, if you turn down his requests. He’s been down here for years, and while he’ll sometimes take breaks of a month or two, he never seems to permanently leave. This week I decided that he’s been here long enough to deserve his own theme song. Here we go.

I’m the S.D.B., and the place to be
Is begging for change outside the Peabody
Or the Rendezvous, or down on Beale
Main Street, Second Street, keepin’ it real

If you’re gonna be a bum, you better be sharp dressed
In linen pants that are neatly pressed
And a matching shirt, and a derby hat
And a nice pair of shoes, that’s where it’s at

‘Cause I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money.

‘Scuse me sir, hey dog, hey bro
I’m the Sharp Dressed Bum, and I’m the man to know
Where you from? Let me show you around
And tell you ’bout all the sights Downtown

But here comes the part where it gets kind of strange
Can I get fitty cent, a dolla, or some change
‘Cause I’ll tell you I ain’t eaten in about three days
It’s a lie, but I hope you’ll believe it anyways

Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!

Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!
Hey S.D.B, get a J-O-B!

Hunh
Aw I see how it is then
You ain’t gonna give me no money is ya
Punk ass

I’ll beat yo mothaf***in ass
Bitch
Get on outta here before I bash your head in
Crazy ass fool

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money

I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money
I’m the S.D.B., give me money…

And there ya go, that’s the theme song. Not sure it’s quite on the level with the other raps I’ve written, Popester in tha Hizzy and the Court Square Rap, but it gets the job done.

Earlier this week I had several “Ow, my leg” posts. I pinched the sciatic nerve that runs down my lower back and left leg, and it was painful to sit, stand, walk, lie down, you name it. The good news is, the leg has entirely healed and I’m walking normally today.

The bad news is, earlier this week, I attempted one of the most painful moves of all given the back/leg condition – getting out of my car. I pulled my left leg out too fast and OWWWW! – and I pulled back and banged my ribs against the steering wheel.

So now my leg is all better and my ribs on my right side hurt like hell. I can’t win.

Briefly went out, went to the Saucer, saw a crowd of about 90% guys, turned around and walked back out. Too cold to deal with the Peabody or EP rooftop parties. Hate to stay home tonight since it’s the beginning of a 3-day weekend, but that looks like the best option.

Before we get started… ATTN SUNDAY BRUNCH CREW: Patrick from the Majestic e-mailed to inform me that they WILL be open for Sunday brunch, at the regular hours. I replied, thanking him and letting him know that some of the regulars would like Tif to dress up in a bunny costume. He said he’d pass it on

Soooooo recently I mentioned that the City Schools are bringing me on permanently. Being a government institution, there’s tons of paperwork to fill out, tons of hoops to jump through. One thing I have to do is go get a physical – I have to get a doctor to sign a note saying that I don’t have any health problems that could endanger the students. Not that I’m ever around students – I’m a web developer at the Board of Education. Nonetheless, I have to get it done.

A friend recommended that I go to Harbor of Health over on the Island, which offers same-day appointments. So I hit their site and printed out their patient intake form, so I could fill it out ahead of time… some of the questions I have to answer… oh boy.

“How many servings of green, yellow or red vegetables do you eat on average per day?” Um. OK. Let’s see. When I get nachos from Huey’s, there are tomatoes on the nachos, so that’s one. When I get a burger from Big Foot, I take the tomato off, so that’s a zero. Now, when I get grilled tilapia (“Make it SNAPPY!”) from the Flying Fish, I eat the squash and zucchini that come with it – that should count as 2. When I go to the Majestic, I look over the salads on the menu and then get a burger, so that’s a zero. When I get hot wings from the Saucer or Big Foot, I eat the celery and carrots, so that’s 2. Guess I’m doing all right there.

“How many times a week do you exercise?” Well, here I have an advantage, because I have a gym in Number 10’s basement. And I go down there a couple of times a week because that’s where the building’s coke machine is located. So I’ll go with 2. Oh, what the hell, 3, I drink a lot of coke.

“What type of exercise do you prefer?” Wild sex with hot Romanian girls. Hey, it said what type I PREFER, not what type I actually DO.

“Do you drink alcohol? How often? What kind?” Um. Yeah. Oh boy. Maybe I should just respond “See paulryburn.com/blog for the answers to these questions.”

I have the feeling I’m going to get one of those doctors who tells me all the things I need to be doing differently to be healthy. Which is different from what I want, which is a doctor who will sign the damn form and let me get on my way.

Anyway, other than little speed bumps like the physical, I’m well on my way to going permanent. In fact, one of my co-workers told me this week, “Paul, now that you’re going to be around for a while, you need to decorate your cubicle. You know, put up some pictures of your loved ones.”

Fine. I’ll take the camera up to the Saucer tonight and take some pics of the waitresses.

Heading there now.

I was just flipping through the real estate ads in the back of the Memphis Flyer, and I found an ad for a condo at 310 S. Main that’s being rented back out at $1500 a month. That condo would be about a half block walk to the front door of Raiford’s. To borrow a phrase from my favorite blogger/MILF, how much ass would that kick.

I wonder if property values in that immediate vicinity command a “Raiford’s premium,” a little bit extra for the convenience of having a short stumble home from Raiford’s on the weekends. And being able to offer your friends a place to crash so they don’t have to drive home from Raiford’s. And being able to offer drunk, hot females who you just met 45 minutes ago at Raiford’s a place to crash.

Whaddaya suppose they’d be asking for monthly rent for that unit if Raiford’s weren’t around the corner? I’d go $1375 tops.

For the second time in a week, here’s a place I’d be seriously interested in, were I not locked into a lease at Number 10 for the next 11 months. I mean, it would still be about equal distance to the Saucer, so I wouldn’t lose the ability to walk to my favorite weekday bar… only difference is, I’d be getting drunk Green Beetle to-go food on the way home instead of drunk Big Foot/Huey’s food.

Normally the Sunday brunch crew starts at the Majestic around 11 to kick things off with food and a few mimosas or bloody marys… then about 2, we head to the Flying Saucer. But this week, we’re going to need to amend the schedule, because the Saucer doesn’t open until 4 because it’s Easter.

Come to think of it, I never asked if the Majestic will be open Sunday. Guess I need to shoot them an e-mail and make sure.

Worst case scenario, if it’s not open, Big Foot is open regular hours on Easter Sunday. So I guess I could sit in there and drink 34 oz. Big Foot Beers for five hours until the Saucer opens. If that happens I may actually think I’ve seen the Easter Bunny.

The folks at Porter-Leath saw my post about the Rajun Cajun Crawfish Fest to be held Sunday, April 22, and sent more information.

It will run from noon to 6 PM, on Wagner Place between Union and Beale overlooking the river. There will be two stages featuring Cajun bands “Lafayette’s Bayou Boys” and “Terry and the Zydeco Bad Boys” from Lafayette, LA.

They’ll be giving away 500 pounds of free crawfish at noon (in past years they’ve given each person a large styrofoam cup’s worth) and there will be tens of thousands of pounds more for sale. Lines tend to get long after about 1:00; if you don’t want to stand in line, you can get an All Access pass to “The Swamp” for $40 ($70 couples) and enjoy all the crawfish and gumbo you can eat, as well as shady seating and a great view of the band. They also have a Lagniappe Pack available – 10 all-access passes and 10 limited-edition T-shirts.

There will be other food vendors as well, beer, and games for the kids including crawfish games (with live crawfish – crawfish races, crawfish bobbing, and more). This is one of my favorite festivals of the year; come on down.

Speaking of crawfish… I came home for lunch today, and am enjoying a to-go order of crawfish etoufee from the Court House Deli. Good stuff. First time I’ve been in there since they relocated to 22 S. Main.

In other news: My trivia team The Rapscallions took first place last night, bringing our total stash to $85. I want to give a pep talk to the team for a minute. In recent weeks, we’ve suffered several losses to a relatively new team, Mormons for Gay Polygamy. But, don’t get discouraged: Remember last summer, when Drinking Liberally formed a team and beat us several weeks in a row… but then they stopped winning and eventually disappeared. Same thing will happen to the Mormons – just give it time. I think last night was the turning point, the beginning of their long slow decline. You could tell that their team leader Clay was rattled – realizing his team had been beaten, he didn’t even stick around to hear the announcement, leaving his team members behind to collect the second-place prize. His official excuse was “I want to get home before the rain,” but it was just that, an excuse. So, go team! Let’s make April one of those months when we win first place all month long.

Coming soon – it’s time to give Sharp Dressed Bum his own theme song.

One of my regular blog readers who lives in my building e-mailed the following:

FYI, I popped in the new convenience mart at the
corner of Second and Madison across from our parking
garage today after work. I asked a kid working there
about the hours. The family that runs it appears to
be foreign-born — Lebanese maybe. Anyway, the kid
said that they would be open 7 am to 1 am on weekdays
and would be open on weekends, too, until 4 (am or
pm?). I had noticed several weeks ago that they
applied for a beer permit, but I didn’t check to see
if they have beer in stock.

I hope they have Mountain Dew in 20-ounce and 32-ounce bottles.

Ow. My leg. I had to leave work at 2:30 this afternoon because sitting in the office chair was just killing me. I watched my DVRed copy of The Apprentice’s episode last night while standing up through the whole thing. My leg is tolerable if I stand and move, but if I sit and/or stand and/or sleep in the same position for long periods of time, it’s over. I discovered that if I take my pants off and rub ice on my leg for a few minutes, I feel much better, but I don’t know if that’s acceptable behavior at work.

I did manage to limp down to the Saucer to watch the first half of the national championship game, then watched the second half with friends at Barton Flats.

My favorite blogger/MILF bought a yellow tube dress this weekend. “Do tube dresses count?” she asked. Yes, as long as there are no straps, tube dresses are acceptable.

Ow. My leg. It’s time for me to go to bed, and lying in one position for 8 hours is going to kill me. It’s just about guaranteed I’ll be late to work in the morning, seeing as how activities like getting in the car now take minutes rather than seconds. Hopefully it’ll heal up soon.