Paul Ryburn's Journal

Just checked this blog’s tracker. There was a hit from the .ro top-level domain. Welcome to my new blog readers from Romania!

A few days ago I was driving home from work, and I turned on the radio. “Working Man” from Rush’s first album was playing. “Well, they call me the Working Man/I guess that’s what I am”

This morning, as I got ready for work, I thought to myself, Orkin Pest Control should license that song and make a commercial out of it. You could have a guy in the Orkin uniform, but with ’70s/’80s rock star big hair, holding a guitar on stage, jamming out with a couple of giant bugs (humans dressed in bug costumes).

“Well, they call me the Orkin Man. I guess that’s what I am.”

At the end of the song, the Orkin Man could smash the guitar, ala Pete Townshend, over the heads of the giant bugs, killing them.

Great idea, huh? Maybe I should be working for an ad agency.

Sunday morning I went to Sleep Out’s for the usual drunken debauchery at brunch. One of the other regulars, my friend Mikey, had made me a prop for the Beer Goddess outfit – a pizza pan that had been painted to look like a serving tray. He had bolted down four plastic cups and some Flying Saucer matchbooks. He even strapped on a handle on the bottom side so I wouldn’t have to worry about dropping it.

Later in the day I went to the Saucer and purchased the last piece of the outfit – a black Beer Goddess tank top. They came in sizes small, medium, and large – needless to say, I got the large. But it certainly wasn’t a MEN’S large. This thing probably would have fit me when I was nine or ten. Nevertheless, it was made of stretchy material and I know I can work with it, so I bought it.

People’s reactions to this Halloween costume are funny. The waitresses thought it was hilarious. One of them commented, “You’re going to look hot. If I didn’t have a boyfriend I’d definitely hit on you.” DAMN! She has a boyfriend. That sucks. She had to ask the manager (male) to go get the shirt out of storage. As the manager handed it to her he had a look on his face like, “What in the world is wrong with that guy.”

Then I returned to Sleep Out’s. I showed off the Beer Goddess top (no, I wasn’t wearing it) and the serving tray to the regulars. People tipped me three dollars. Wonder if that’ll happen Friday night when I have the entire outfit on. This costume may pay for itself.

About an hour later, a neighbor of mine showed up and we returned to the Saucer to throw some darts. I joked around with another waitress and she told me I needed to do something with my hair Friday night to match the costume. She got some rubber bands and put it in pigtails, and my neighbor was absolutely appalled when I left the pigtails in as we played darts. And I held the server tray in my left hand and threw the darts with the right (all server trays should have a handle on the bottom – Mikey should patent that). And to top it all off, my neighbor got the displeasure of losing to a guy in pigtails, 3 games to 1. First time I’ve ever won a majority of the games when we’ve played.

Some people love this costume, some people hate it, but I’m going to have FUN. And good news – I just upgraded my web hosting plan from 50 MB to 1,000 MB, so I’ll have plenty of room to host Halloween pics, and I’ll have my digital camera with me all weekend.

All right. I’ve got about 5 more blog entries in my head – it’s just a matter of finding time to type them. Hopefully I’ll be back during the week with a couple more posts, and next week there will be pictures.

Tonight after work I drove to Wolfchase Galleria to shop for Halloween. Since I plan on being a Flying Saucer Beer Goddess next Friday, I needed to pick up a miniskirt and some thigh-high stockings. Now, the best place to shop for those is Hot Topic, but since my waist is a little larger than the average Saucer waitress, I decided to go to Torrid, which is the Hot Topic for big girls.

I explained to the sales clerk what I was trying to do. She laughed and thought that was a great costume. She started to show me some Catholic school-girl plaid miniskirts, but I wanted all an all-black outfit. So she picked out a black miniskirt, and looked me over. “You’re probably a size 16 or 18,” she said, and handed me one of each to try on in the dressing room.

The 16 was so loose that it practically fell off me. I didn’t even try the 18. I brought them back out and she gave me a 14 and a 12 to try on. Even the 12 was loose but it fit. If it hadn’t I would have been out of luck at Torrid, since 12 is the smallest “plus size.”

She picked me out a pair of thigh-highs to match (they have pretty black bows at the top) and rang me up. Here I am trying to save money and I ended up paying fifty-nine bucks for this crap. And I haven’t even bought the Beer Goddess tank top yet (I’ll get that at the Saucer tomorrow or Sunday). Maybe after Halloween is over I can find a plus-sized girl and sell her this junk and get some of my money back.

They wrapped up my purchase and put it in a hot pink Torrid shopping bag. I asked if maybe they had a different bag to carry it in, since I’d have to walk the entire length of the mall to get to my car. They didn’t. I considered hiding it under my shirt, but realized that people might think I was shoplifting if I did that.

Interesting coincidence: On the way home I was listening to the radio and “Arnold Layne” came on. “Arnold Layne” was Pink Floyd’s first single ever, and it’s about a man who likes to dress up in women’s clothing. It was on 98.1’s night show with Alice Cooper as the DJ. Makes sense that a rock star would pick some good music. Anyone who plays Syd-era Pink Floyd is all right in my book.

As I drove home I was thinking, too bad I don’t have any friends who are drag queens. If I did, they could’ve come with me to Torrid to give me fashion advice. I used to have friends who were drag queens, but fell out of touch with them after Red Square closed in ’95.

So, tomorrow I’ll buy the Beer Goddess tank top and my outfit will be complete. I’m sure there will be pictures after next Friday’s party.

I’m reversing my costumes for Saturday and Sunday of Halloween weekend – I’m going to be Big Paul the pimp on Saturday the 29th and the vampire on Sunday the 30th. Saturday will likely be the day when I’m out and about more, and I can have more fun with the pimp character. I think the vampire will work better on Sunday when I’m at a friend’s private party most of the day – especially since I hear that someone who is deathly afraid of my vampire persona may be attending the same party.

We’re now within 10 days of that weekend, so I checked the long-range forecast. Intellicast is saying high 73, low 53 for Friday the 28th. If that’s the case I’ll be a little chilly on the roof in the Beer Goddess costume, but I won’t freeze.

I also just found out that the next get-together for the contemporary art collectors’ club I belong to is Friday the 28th from 5:30 to 6:00. I will probably go to that in street clothes, then go home and transform into the Beer Goddess.

Speaking of weather, the predicted high today is 91, and people in my office have sweaters on. What are they thinking? Dress for the weather, not the season. I’ve never understood that.

All right, lunch break is over, back to work.

Yes, I’m still alive. People have been getting on me about going over a week without posting. Hey, back before I converted this journal into a blog (which made publishing considerably easier) I’d sometimes go six months without posting.

Plans for Halloween weekend are shaping up. Here are my tentative plans:

Friday, October 28 I’ll be on my rooftop for No. 10’s annual Halloween party. I’ll be dressing as a Beer Goddess (Flying Saucer waitress) for this one. With my luck it’ll be 40 degrees out that night, and I’ll have on a tank top and miniskirt. I’m also realizing I’m going to have a problem I’ve never faced before – where to carry money, my cell phone, my digital camera. One of the waitresses there said I should go to Lit on Union – the carry the aprons a lot of the girls tie around their skirts to carry money.

Weather permitting, I may hit the South Main Trolley Art Tour for an hour or two before the No. 10 party.

Saturday, October 29 is the day my plans are the most tentative. So far the only party I’ve heard of is the 450 Stonewall party, which is not on Stonewall anymore but on Butler St. in the South Main district. Anyone know of any other good parties? E-mail me (paul at paulryburn dot com) if you do. I’ll probably bring back the vampire costume for a second year on Saturday – last year I had a lot of fun being in character all day and chasing people around trying to bite them.

Sunday, October 30 will be the return of Big Paul the pimp – complete with baby blue leisure suit, feather boa, cheetah platform shoes, and gold teethes. As always, I’ll start the day at Sleep Out Louie’s, but it’ll probably be one Bloody Mary and out, rather than sticking around to drink an entire bottle of champagne as usual. Sunday is Voodoo Fest at Autozone Park, and I have an invitation to watch the show from a friend’s balcony at the Echelon.

Monday, October 31: By this point I’ll have run out of costumes. Since it will be Pint Night, I’ll probably recycle the Beer Goddess costume and hit the Saucer. A friend of mine is making me a button that will say, “Tips PUUUUUHLEEEEEEZE!” Maybe I can turn a profit on the weekend if I earn tips.

Other places I’ll be between now and the end of the month:

Tonight (10/18) and next Tuesday (10/25): Back-to-back Rapscallions victories at trivia night at the Saucer.

Thursday nights, 10/20 and 10/27: On at least one of these I plan on checking out Drinking Liberally at the Celtic Crossing, 6:30 pm.

Late night Thursday 10/20: The Dempseys at the Saucer from about 9:30-1:30. Yes, I plan on staying for all three of their sets. I don’t feel the need to be in bed by 10 on a work night like most “young professionals.” As a matter of fact, I’ll probably go to the Black Diamond and have a can of PBR afterward.

Sunday, 10/23: Brunch at Sleep Out’s, of course.

Wednesday, 10/26: The Mpact Annual Membership Meeting at Zanzibar. They’ll unveil the new slate of board members for the 2006 year. And I won’t be on it! My term as a board member is OVER! WOOOOOHOOOOOO! Less responsibility!

So there ya go. Something new to read, for all you people who have been complaining about my posting frequency. And if you don’t stop complaining, I may very well do an entire month of nothing but “What the Bums Are Drinking this Week.”

I’ll be back soon. I have some ideas for interesting blog entries, it’s just a matter of finding time to type them.

Next summer, I’m going to do something I haven’t done since the early 1980s: I’m going to Libertyland.

Good ol’ Six Flags over Orange Mound… no, I’m not going there for the nasty, artery-clogging food they sell there. I’m not going for the crappy performances. Nor am I going for the rides. And I’m not going to play their games and win stuffed animals.

Sounds like I have nothing but disdain for Libertyland. So why am I going, you ask?

Well, yesterday I stopped by Sleep Out’s for a Bloody Mary, and I was expressing my sadness that the Romanians have left town. The bartender, who is also the manager there, told me that he has never hired anyone from that region, but there are a lot of places around town that will. “There are tons of Eastern Europeans working at Libertyland,” he told me. “You go out there, and you expect to see Americans working. But there are a lot of gorgeous girls there who speak in broken English and have names like Svetna and Tatyana.”

Hmm, REALLY? Anyplace that hires people named Tatyana is OK in my book. I may have to buy a season pass next year.

One more interesting tidbit I learned: The name Tatyana translates in English to Valentina.

And that’s your educational fact for the day. Aren’t you glad you read this blog? Speaking of Sleep Out’s, it’s time for my weekly bottle of mimosas, so I’m outta here for now… I have a feeling Google Earth may draw me back home at some point, though, putting an early end to the alcohol antics which usually go all day Sunday and into the night. See you later…

I realized something this morning. I can take just about any topic to write about here in my blog, and find a way to relate it to the following: bums, pigeons, tube tops, Romania, my building’s rooftop, and the Flying Saucer.

So here’s a challenge to you, my readers: E-mail me and suggest a topic, any topic. If I like it I’ll write a post about it and incorporate the references listed above. It has to be something I can turn into an interesting post though – not something like “mitosis” for example.

All right. Today I want to tell you about the coolest software app I’ve found in a while.

It all started Tuesday night. I decided to head to the Flying Saucer for happy hour. As I walked down the Main Street Mall I passed a bum begging for money. There was also a pigeon walking around.

It was still very warm outside Tuesday – almost 90 degrees – and I hoped there would be some cute girls in tube tops at the Saucer. But I didn’t see any. So I ended up talking to my friend Bobby, who was sitting in one of the armchairs with his laptop. “Have you ever played around with Google Earth?” he asked. Google Earth is a computer program that lets you “fly” around the earth and zoom in on satellite images. Bobby zoomed in on Mud Island and was able to find his house, and even saw his car parked out front. Then he panned over to Main Street and I could see my building’s rooftop. Then he typed in “La Paz, Bolivia” and the image zoomed out, flew over Cuba and zoomed in on La Paz. La Paz didn’t have very good satellite images though.

I was fascinated with the program and downloaded it this morning. I told it to go to 92109, the zip code of my old neighborhood, Pacific Beach, in San Diego. Then I panned to Manhattan and saw some great images of the tall buildings there. Tried to find the Empire State Building and Trump Tower but couldn’t.

Then I decided to take a trip overseas, and typed in “Romania.” Google Earth flew across the Atlantic to eastern Europe and zoomed in on a mountainous region. To the southeast was a town called “Bucuresti” which I take it was Bucharest. Also saw some other towns: Brazov, Soars, Cincu. There’s more than one city in Romania? Never knew that. Then I got homesick and typed in 72207 (Little Rock). Found the house where I grew up. There was a white car parked out front. I e-mailed my mother (who is now hooked on Google Earth too) and she told me the white car was there to visit a yard sale across the street.

I’m sitting here thinking of more places to visit with Google Earth: I bet Sedona, Arizona would be interesting. And I wonder how recent the images are? Wonder if the New Orleans images were taken before or after the hurricane.

Anyway, you can get the program at earth.google.com under the “Downloads” section. Just make sure to clear your calendar for the rest of the day – you will be addicted.

So, just hours after I post a Tonya pic on my blog, the Memphis Flyer goes and publishes an article about Mpact with an almost identical Tonya pic. Copycats! And the thing is, their pic is better than mine because theirs features two beautiful women – Mpact’s very own Pat as well as Tonya.

But that’s fine, I suppose you can never have too many pictures of beautiful women, or too much press about Mpact. Congratulations on the article guys! I don’t see it on the Flyer’s website yet, will try to remember to come back to it and add a link in a day or two.

ATTN DYANA: Don’t know if you ever read my blog, but if you do, e-mail me – I need to talk to you and don’t have a valid address.

Friday night I’ll be going to the initial meeting of a contemporary art collectors’ group at Jay Etkin Gallery. My friend Tonya put the group together and…

Hang on, let’s post a pic of Tonya. (Have I mentioned how much I love my new camera?)

There ya go. That’s Tonya. Anyway, she put the group together through Mpact Memphis. Members of the club will get artist talks, discounts on gallery purchases, and painting demonstrations among other benefits. I’m looking forward to it, since I know little about contemporary art and would like to learn. I think if nothing else, I’ll appreciate the monthly Trolley Tours more.

Hmmm… I wonder if there will be a rush of last-minute sign-ups from guys who saw Tonya’s pic on my blog. I think the sign-up deadline was October 1 though.

Saturday: Only definite plans are to hit the Tap Room at some point and get my high score back on the Gone Fishing video game. I’ve mentioned it before, this completely stupid game where a cartoon polar bear swings a bat at fish who jump out of an icy pond, and the goal is to hit them as far down the pond as possible.

Just think… six years of college and this is what I end up doing with my life. What a waste.

Last Saturday I was in there very late-night playing the Gone Fishing game, and one of my favorite Flying Saucer waitresses, Leah, walked in. “Awwwwwwwwww! The bear is so cuuuuuuuuuute! Look at the bear!” Since then, every time she sees me, she asks me to say hello to the bear for her.

Sunday: The usual routine. Brunch at Sleep Out Louie’s and then the Saucer. Sundays are usually slow days at SOL’s, so the bartender often bakes some goodies to hand out to the regulars. One week it was chocolate chip cookies; another it was brownies; another week it was chocolate chocolate cupcakes. One of the regulars has put a request in for blueberry muffins.

The brownies in particular are a hit. When people hear about them, they always ask, “Are they ‘special’ brownies?” One guy even offered to bring the secret ingredient to make the brownies special, but the bartender wouldn’t go for it.

(I bet my mother is composing an e-mail to me right now asking what a “special” brownie is)

The bartender, knowing I go to the Saucer after leaving Sleep Out’s, always gives me an extra brownie to take to whoever waits on me. After this had been going on for a few weeks, one of the waitresses asked me, “What do you do, Paul?” I told her that I was a web designer and that I used to teach at a university. “Oh,” she said. “I thought maybe you owned a bakery, since you’re always bringing people brownies.”

Bringing ONE brownie can cause trouble, though. One Sunday I walked in and sat in the patio area, which happened to be Leah’s section that day. I handed her the brownie and she squealed and gave me a hug and ran off to eat it. About 10 minutes later Ms. Romania (blond version), who had been working the other room, walked up to me. I could see the sadness in her eyes from across the room. “So, Paul,” she pouted, “I hear you brought Leah a brownie.” Uh-oh.

I asked if she was mad that I didn’t bring her a brownie, and she replied, “Well. Not mad, but… you know.” If you don’t speak female, “you know” is about ten times worse than “mad.” For those of you who think only American women have an uncontrollable thirst for validation and attention, meet Liana. Sometime after she gets home to Romania she will discover this blog. She won’t read it, but she will skim through the posts going, “Well? How often does he mention me?”

(An aside: You know what’s bad? Because I’m usually drunk when I type these, I had to stop and think, “Did I already blog the brownie story?” and look through about two weeks’ worth of old posts. I’m sober right now, in case you’re wondering.)

And that’s the plan for an exciting weekend. The Rapscallions missed third place by one point last night at trivia, but since we almost won a prize I guess I’ll back off from my threat to post Carmel’s phone number on my blog. The grand prize lately has been a Sam Adams golf bag. What in the world would we do with it if we won? Put that sucker on eBay and use the money to go drinking, I guess.

All right… since I’m not going out tonight I may do another blog post this evening. See you later…