Paul Ryburn's Journal

… the law they swore they’d get him but the devil got him first!
– Ballad of Thunder Road by Robert Mitchum and Don Raye

So I tried moonshine for the first time in my life today. I was at a cookout in Midtown and one of the guests brought a Mason jar of it. Now, if you already feel a case of heartburn coming on, “sure, I’d love to try some moonshine,” is definitely the wrong answer. It was corn whiskey, clear in color, estimated to be 135-140 proof by the person who brought it. It tasted like Thunderbird wine, which is not a good thing to be sure, and I’m embarrassed to admit that I know what Thunderbird tastes like in the first place. It aggravated my heartburn by a factor of 5 to be sure.

I had a great time at the cookout I went to in Midtown, and I thank the host and hostess for the chance to see their beautiful house and for the burger, hot dog, tater tots, and beer. I learned how to work the cab system today. Getting from downtown to other parts of the city is not hard – just find a cab waiting for a fare (I found one at the Peabody). He drove me to the party in the McLean & Jackson area, and I tipped him $5 on my $12 fare and asked, “When I’m ready to head back downtown how do I get a ride?” He gave me not only the cab company number but his personal cell number as well, and asked approximately when I’d be heading back. So when I was ready to leave I called his cell and he was there in 5 minutes. I had always heard it takes at least 30 minutes and often closer to an hour to get a cab in Midtown.

July 4 will probably be over by the time you read this, but it’s still not too late to show your patriotism by ordering an American Flag Tube Top. What better way to show your patriotism than by wearing a tube top? If I were blogging from Afghanistan, this would be Burqa Month. Every month would be Burqa Month.

I read in the Downtowner Magazine that Maynard, Silky Sullivan’s pet goat, has passed away. My condolences to Silky and everyone at his restaurant who took care of Maynard.

Plans for tomorrow:
1) Get up way earlier than I would like
2) Sit in a cubicle all morning
3) Renew my expired tags at lunch
4) Sit in a cubicle some more
5) Get a haircut after work

Clearly tomorrow is shaping up to be the most exciting day of the week, if not the year. I better get some sleep.

The note below was found outside Sleep Out Louie’s on Union Avenue this morning. Click for full-size (5-megapixel) image – may take a while to download if you’re connecting via phone line. Parental discretion advised: content is definitely not appopriate for those under 18.

Today I hung out at Sleep Out’s until about 6. Then I went to Big Foot for dinner, ordering the Holy Smokes Wings, which were intolerably hot. 3 of the 12 wings and I was done. Sobered me up though.

Then I went to Blues City, where I had heard FreeWorld would be playing, only to discover The Dempseys were playing the early show. They drew a big crowd, including a girl in a pink tube top.

On the break, one of the Dempseys was kind enough to invite me to a holiday BBQ at his house sometime later this weekend… so I’m thinking… the band that played for the President two days ago is inviting me to a BBQ… how can I not go? But on the other hand… I have expired plates on the car. If I drive, I’m risking a ticket for at least that if not more. Looks like I’m going to have to go, and not drink a drop of alcohol once there. Which sucks.

Many of you have seen me wearing a “38103” T-shirt around town from time to time. (38103 is the downtown zip code.) Well, my friend Ryan came up with a new design last night, and gave me a shirt in exchange for a mention in the blog. So here’s the new shirt:

To purchase a shirt, e-mail Ryan at ryan.hamlin@EtchedArt.com. He’ll send you instructions on how to order the shirt online. He has a secure payment gateway set up through QuickBooks and has assured me that the transactions are 100% safe.

Attn Ryan: I’ve had the shirt on for all of 30 minutes today and I’ve already had two people ask where they can buy one.

Still waiting to see a 38103 tube top.

I spent most of Trolley Tour last night running around from gallery to gallery. I had received a tip that the elusive Master Polo would be in attendance, and I just had to find him. For some reason I’ve become obsessed with figuring out who he is. So, let’s see here. There were plenty of gorgeous women at Trolley Tour, and I spend the evening stalking a guy. Welcome to Loserville, population: me.

And to make things worse, Master Polo never showed.

Post-Trolley Tour drinking venues included Big Foot, E&H, the Tap Room, and the Black Diamond. If anything interesting happened I don’t remember it.

Bluff City Coffee at 505 S. Main is now open. Good to see a coffee shop in the South Main district.

All right. I’m bored. Time to hit the Publish Post button and go outside.

So, on Monday I promised that I would post a major announcement today. I gave out a few hints. I said that it involved points east, far to the east, of my home in downtown Memphis. I said that it could have something to do with a visa, and travel. And the announcement would make me very, very happy.

Here’s the thing… as you know, I have nothing but love and respect for the residents of Germantown, Cordova, and Collierville. I think my blog posts over the past two years have reflected that. But I don’t feel I’ve been fair to the good people of those communities.

You see, if you travel to Germantown, Cordova, and Collierville, points far to the east of my home in downtown Memphis, you will find many cute little boutiques where you can use your visa card to buy tube tops.

But I feel I’ve done a disservice to those boutiques. They were undoubtedly counting on a full 30 days of Tube Top Month to drive customers to their shops. However, I had to interrupt Tube Top Month for 10 of those 30 days to deal with the crime issue. As a result, some of those boutiques won’t hit their summer revenue targets. Some of them may even have to close. And that’s a shame because I really, really care about the girly-girl boutiques in East Bumblef… I mean, Germantown, Cordova, and Collierville. I want to them to do well. I want them to prosper.

Therefore, for their benefit, I’m pleased to announce that

TUBE TOP MONTH IS HEREBY EXTENDED UNTIL JULY 31!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay!

Just checked my tracker and discovered a hit from the IRS. Uh-oh. Am I being investigated? Are they going to audit my return this year, and they’re looking for evidence in my blog posts to use against me? Not that they’ll find anything – my return was legit – but that’s definitely a major pain in the butt that I’d rather not go through.

I noted the time of the visit and checked to see the referrer – what link the IRS person followed to get to my blog. He came from Google. He had done a search on

“He who goes forth on the Fourth with a fifth,
may not go forth on the Fifth.”

… and Google referred him to my blog’s archives. I remember posting that last year but can’t remember what the post was about. It’s a good bet that it had something to do with tube tops.

Anyway, he wasn’t investigating me. Whew.

Major announcement still to come this afternoon.

This morning, as soon as I got to work, I sent an e-mail to my manager, requesting Monday off. He granted it immediately. So I have a 4-day weekend. I also e-mailed the Commercial Appeal and told them I’m taking a week off from Deal of the Week on Sunday.

I need the time off. I want 4 days without any obligations or responsibilities. I am exhausted.

I think I began to realize how worn out I am when I came home from the Mpact event Wednesday night, and wrote about it in my personal journal: “I went in there with an agenda. I approached key people and talked to them about Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis and handed them cards. In that respect I was successful. But I didn’t have fun. I used to go to After Hours and look forward to meeting new people and talking and laughing. I didn’t do that tonight.”

I realized that most of this month has been like that. And I don’t regret any of it. We’ve made incredible progress with RSDM – getting a website up, meeting with the police, doing TV interviews, receiving invitations to speak at meetings. But now I’m worn out and need a break.

It’s not just RSDM. It’s all the other little things I need to get done. As of yesterday I still hadn’t renewed my car tags. So I drove out to the CarreFour center at Poplar and Kirby, in the center with Borders bookstore, where I’ve always had good luck renewing my tags in the past. What I found was an empty office, with a note on the door that it had moved 2 miles further to the east.

I realized there was no way I could drive even farther out, get the renewal done, and still make it back to Midtown in my lunch hour. So I said to myself, screw it, I’ll do it tomorrow, still one day left in the month. I took my laptop and headed into Borders. I fired it up, ordered a drink, and sat down.

Then I discovered that Borders no longer offers free Wi-Fi. They now charge for it, using the same system that Starbucks does. So I had just wasted four bucks on a drink and couldn’t connect. My lunch hour was a complete waste.

Later in the afternoon, the guy who cuts my hair called. He had his floors waxed recently and they had taken apart his computer system. He asked if I could come out after work and put everything back together. He and I trade out – he cuts my hair for free and I provide computer consulting for free. Over the past year, I have come out way ahead on the deal – I’ve needed haircuts far more often than he has needed computer work. So when he said he really needed his computer to be set up in time for Trolley Tour, how could I say no? I owe him. Besides, I thought, hooking up a computer system isn’t hard.

Not long after that, a reporter from ABC 24 contacted me about doing an interview about RSDM, to be run on the air that night. They literally wanted me to drop what I was doing and meet for an interview. Fortunately Mike was less busy and was able to take that one.

After work, I went out to set up the computer system. What I found was a box of assorted equipment and wires lying on the floor. Some of it was part of the computer system, some of it was not. It took 10 minutes just to untangle all the wires. Now, the basics – keyboard, monitor, printer – were no trouble to get set up once I found the cables. But the DSL was a problem. I don’t have DSL at home – I have cable – so I’m not familiar with setting it up. A new installation, with the equipment right out of the box, and an instruction manual, I’m sure I could do that. But a box full of random equipment – including several extra phone jacks thrown in the box that may or may not be part of the DSL setup – that’s more of a challenge.

So I finally took a guess at which parts were involved in the DSL system and pulled them from the box. Right about then this woman who was the hair stylist’s next customer plopped down in the computer chair. “Mind if I sit here to make a phone call?” Geez. It was obvious I was putting the computer system together, and you’d think I just might need access to the front of the computer! So I stood there for about 5 minutes waiting for her to finish her call. Finally she looked up and asked, “Oh, am I in your way?” Hey, ya THINK?

So I attempted a couple of DSL configurations, neither of which worked. Then I tried to plug the phone back in so the salon wouldn’t miss any appointment calls. That didn’t work either. I tried to get someone to help me – but the hair stylist had a customer, his assistant was busy sweeping up, an artist was sitting in a corner working on a painting, a woman was getting her nails done in a different part of the shop, and back in the back a couple of people were looking at some women’s clothing items being sold there. It was chaos.

Finally I got the hair stylist’s attention and he asked how I was doing. “I gotta be honest with you, I can’t figure out what any of this stuff is,” pointing to the box of tangled wires and equipment.

“Typical computer guy!” said the woman with the cell phone. I wanted to strangle her.

Finally I got the basics hooked up – no DSL though – and he thanked me and I left. I drove home. All right, I thought, I’ve got an hour to relax and get in a better state of mind, then I’ll hit the Peabody rooftop.

Then the fire alarm in my building went off. So I got to walk down 13 flights of stairs and wait 25 minutes for the fire department to determine it was a false alarm. A friend of mine who is an accountant, who had an appointment with someone in the building, walked up. He’s a great guy and usually I’m happy to see him. But I was so worn out, my mindset was, “Great, one more person I have to talk to.” My voice was cracking as I talked. I sounded like a 14-year-old boy.

Finally they let us back up. I got on the computer, answered a few e-mails, drank some water.

Then the fire alarm went off again. This time I didn’t even bother going down. If I die, I die, I thought. So I sat there and listened to that damn siren for 20 minutes.

By then it was 8:00. My nerves were fried. I didn’t even attempt the Peabody rooftop. I just wanted to go sit in the Tap Room and drink a beer. Some girls in tube tops walked by. I thought, those are the girls I would’ve talked to if I hadn’t had such a crappy day.

My mood actually improved once I was at the Tap Room. It’s one of those places I can always depend on. The bartender welcomed me back (it’s been a while since I’ve been there), and some friends came in and I talked with them. I snapped the pic of myself at the bar. Mike called and said the interview came off really well on TV.

So now it’s lunchtime today. I decided that I just don’t have it in me to go to the vehicle renewal place and stand in that long line. Screw it. I’ll renew the tags on Wednesday and just not drive the car between this afternoon and then. If I get pulled over by a cop Wednesday morning on the way to work for expired tags, so be it. Surely they’re lenient the first few days of the month on that kind of thing. Not sure if I’ll have to pay some kind of penalty for renewing late. If that’s the case, again, so be it. But it’s not happening today.

So, here’s the plan for this weekend. I’ll be at Trolley Tour tonight. I’m going by myself. If I find a group of people I feel like hanging out with, great. If I end up hanging out by myself all night, that’s fine too. Maybe I’ll jump from group to group. But I’m going to do what I want, all weekend, without obligations or responsibilities. I’ve got to have this weekend to be me.

I’ll probably be at Sleep Out’s for Sunday brunch. There will also be a point where I’ll probably break off from the group and do my own thing. I’m not doing Sunday poker night. I may go to Blues City and see FreeWorld Sunday night, but I’m leaving it open until I get there. Not sure from where I’ll be viewing Monday’s fireworks, but I have 3 days to figure that out. Not sure whether I’ll do trivia Tuesday or something else, but I have 4 days to figure that out.

One thing’s for sure: I’m going to do exactly what I want for the next 4 days, not anything else, and I’m going to have a great time doing it. By Wednesday I will be recharged, energized, ready to go.

I’ll still be making blog posts throughout the weekend as the mood strikes me. The major announcement I promised will be posted sometime this afternoon.

First of all, if you missed my Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis co-founder Mike King on the news tonight, here’s the link. Once there, click on “Video” to view the footage. I am thrilled with the coverage they gave us. I’ve already had a couple of people e-mail and ask, did I mind that they said, “King and a friend started the organization”? Not at all! This is not about me, it’s about keeping downtown safe, and they mentioned the walking police patrols! The Memphis Police, in a meeting week before last, promised us that they would put walking police patrols on the streets, since downtown is a walking neighborhood. Now that it’s been publicized, I can’t wait to go back to MPD and get a timetable for the patrols’ implementation.

On to other news… I needed to unwind tonight and hung out at the Beale Street Tap Room for a while. I had my camera with me and decided to snap a pic of myself holding my mug. On the 7th attempt I finally came up with a good photo:

Click on the pic for a full-sized image. Warning: dialup users beware, I didn’t downsize this one at all because the detail is so good. It’s almost a megabyte in size.

This pic is eventually going to end up as my profile pic for my blog, or MySpace, or both.

On the way home I stopped by Big Foot and got a four-cheese burger, add mushrooms, to go. I’ll leave it to your imagination to determine if the burger was good.

I wandered by Country on Beale tonight and there were tons of people, I’d estimate 1,000 at least. Many of them were hot, young females. Although, I saw a higher proportion of tube top wearers going into the Peabody for their rooftop party.

That’s it for now… don’t forget, a major announcement tomorrow. And tomorrow night, I’ll definitely be at South Main Trolley Art Tour with my sleuth hat on. I have a feeling that a mystery is about to be solved.

(Post edited 6:36 PM)

I try not to post from work except at lunchtime, but this one’s urgent.

Channel 24 contacted Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis this afternoon and asked if they could do an interview for tonight’s news. I wasn’t able to do it, but my co-founder Mike King was. He’ll be on the news this evening, which I’m assuming means 5, 6, and 10.

I have to set up a friend’s computer system after work, and after that I’ll be out tube top watching, so I’ll definitely miss the 5 and 6 and possibly the 10. If anyone can tape or DVR the newscasts I’d appreciate it. (Just talked to Mike and the interview went well, he thought. The entire segment was about RSDM. It will be on Channel 30 at 9 PM and Channel 24 at 10 PM. I have my DVR set to record both of these.

I don’t have it in me to do the Peabody rooftop tonight. Today’s been too stressful. I’ll be on Beale and at the Saucer and maybe Big Foot.)

Every now and then, you get to touch the life of a fellow human being. Let me explain… I still have not uncovered the identity of elusive MySpace legend Master Polo. So I went in and changed my MySpace profile, promoting him to #1 on my list of “Top Friends.” I also added a “Who I’d like to meet” section to the profile and listed, “Master Polo, waitresses from Romania.”

A few days later Master Polo left a comment on my MySpace page: “You have made one of my dreams a reality. For this I cannot thank you enough.”

And he SHOULD be pleased. For me to give someone top billing ahead of the Romanians… that’s a high honor indeed.

Oh well. I may not have met Master Polo, but at least I’ve met Master Polo II. Master Polo II was wearing a tube top when I met her. Master Polo II looks good in a tube top. I don’t think I’d want to see the original Master Polo in a tube top.

And that concludes the “inside jokes/comments that 95% of my readers don’t understand or care about” section of the post. Now, let’s see what’s going on this weekend.

Trying to decide if I can deal with the Peabody rooftop crowd tonight. Deep Shag is playing and they’re usually pretty good. I think a couple of my neighbors will be up there chasing women, so I’ll have people to hang out with. On the other hand, I may skip the rooftop and go to Beale Street. I can get a beer in my mug at the Tap Room and watch all the cute girls in cowboy hats walk by on their way to Country on Beale.

Tomorrow is the South Main Trolley Art Tour. I mention this just about every month in my blog, but since I’ve picked up significant new readership recently, let’s run through the basics again.

1) All the art galleries in the South Main district open from 6 to 9 PM the last Friday of every month.

2) Many of the galleries put out FREE ALCOHOL!!!!!!! Wine, beer, etc. Gestures usually has good punch or some other mixed drink, so be sure to check them out.

3) This is NOT an event when it pays to be fashionably late. If you show up at 8:30 the galleries will have run out of free alcohol.

4) It’s called the “trolley” tour but no one actually rides the trolley from gallery to gallery. They walk. The trolley is free from Linden to GE Patterson during trolley tour, but still, no one rides it. Actually, a couple of new businesses which are on the Main Street Mall, about 3/4 of a mile north, open up for trolley tour – Dr.Bob and Shelton Clothiers. I wish they’d extend the free trolley as far north as Madison. Then it would actually make sense to ride it. Dr.Bob is showing a new movie about Hurricane Katrina tomorrow night, by the way.

5) If you see anything you like in the galleries, buy it to show your support. If you don’t see anything you like or can afford, at least tell a few friends about the galleries you like best.

Let’s move on and talk about fireworks! On Monday, July 3, there will be a Red, White, and Blues Celebration with fireworks at Tom Lee Park. Oh, and American Idol star Gideon McKinney will be singing, whoever the hell he is. I’m trying to decide whether I will watch the fireworks from my rooftop or actually go down to the park. Going down there would be more fun if I had a cute girl to sit on a blanket and snuggle with. Why don’t I ever have girlfriends? I need to spend less time blogging and more time getting my game on.

The Redbirds will have their fireworks Tuesday, July 4. Game against Nashville starts at 6:40, with fireworks to follow.

There will also be fireworks at Shelby Farms on Saturday, July 1, for those of you who prefer to watch fireworks at an East Bumblefuck location.

The Memphis Farmers Market (Saturday, 7 AM to 1 PM). One of this week’s themes is “Fireworks Safety Day.” I guess they’re more or less admitting that everyone disregards the ordinance banning fireworks within the city limits.

The annual St.Peter’s Picnic will be this Sunday at St.Peter’s Villa, Poplar at McLean, from 2 to 8 PM. Although I doubt I’ll make it (Sunday is Sleep Out’s/brunch day), this is usually a fun event if you’re looking for something to do. Kevin and Beth Paige will supply the music, and there will be burgers, hot dogs, and a spaghetti dinner. You can also register to win a Saturn Vue. The Picnic tends to draw a lot of politicians on election years. Good opportunity to meet them personally and find out what they stand for.

Reminds me, last night Steve Cohen told me he reads my blog. WOOOHOOO! Someone IMPORTANT reads my blog! Actually, two important people, since Master Polo II is a blog reader as well.

Sure enough, I was the only person at Mpact’s After Hours in shorts last night. On a sunny rooftop in 91-degree heat. People had freakin’ ties on. A couple of them were even wearing suits. I continue to believe I’m the only one in that organization with any damn common sense.

Congratulations to my friends The Dempseys, who will get to play for Crawford, Texas’ Village Idiot and Japan’s Rock-and-Roll Prime Minister tomorrow when they visit Memphis. Drummer Ron Perrone says they’re going to try to get the Japanese prime minister, who is a big Elvis fan, on stage to sing with them. Congratulations to Ron for something else too – he’s about to become a father.

Attn local strip clubs: I’m pleased to see that you’ve taken my suggestion that you hire models to pose for your Memphis Flyer ads, rather than using the skanks who dance in your clubs. However… I meant, hire FEMALE models. From the looks of this week’s ads, it looks like some of you misunderstood and hired drag queens.

And that’ll do it for today’s post. Remember, I will be posting a MAJOR announcement tomorrow, so be sure to drop by.

– First of all, I’ve written a new news article on the Residents for a Safer Downtown Memphis website, about Memphis Shelby Crime Commission President Mike Heidingsfield’s talk yesterday at the Leadership Academy. Check it out.

– Last night at trivia, team member The Nuh-Uh Girl mentioned that she had been looking at apartments at The Main Street Flats, the row of renovated buildings between Union and Gayoso on the west side of Main Street (the New Main block). I flipped through the brochures and these apartments look really cool. They have controlled access, exposed brick, hardwood floors, a rooftop deck, and washer/dryer among the amenities. They also have location, location, location – you’d be a block from Peabody Place, a block and a half from Beale, two blocks from Autozone Park, three from the FedExForum. I’m also very excited to see new units being developed as apartments rather than condos in core downtown – that’s something that is badly needed. Thumbs up to Slovis Commercial for a great renovation that looks like it will bring life to New Main. If you’re thinking about making the move downtown you should take a look at the Flats.

– The Rapscallions lost badly once again at trivia. However, I have to compliment team member Carmel for showing up in a tube top. I bought her a beer in appreciation for her excellent fashion sense. Although, she needs more confidence. She kept hunching over and looking around the room and asking, “Is anyone else here wearing a tube top? I don’t want to be the only tube top wearer here.” I explained that she should be proud, that she should dance around the room saying, “Look at me! I have a TUBE TOP on!!!” Carmel expressed concern that if she danced around the room, the tube top might not stay up. “Exactly my point!” I said. Eventually three other tube tops came in and she was able to relax.

– Carmel e-mailed me this morning and informed me that the State of Tennessee is having a sales tax holiday August 4-6, where sales tax will be waived on certain clothing, school supplies, and computers. Might want to write those dates on your calendar – good chance to pick up a new computer and save a few bucks.

– If you’re looking for an alternative to the Peabody and Madison rooftop parties Thursday night, you may want to check out KIX 106’s Country on Beale concerts every Thursday night at 8 PM, W.C. Handy Park, Third at Beale. No cover charge and drinks are more reasonably priced. (I recommend a Call-a-Cab from Wet Willie’s across the street, as long as you’re not driving. It’s Beale Street so you can buy a drink at a bar and carry it over to the park.) Don’t get me wrong, I hate country music, but I checked out a couple of these shows last year and some HOT girls showed up. Cowboy hats look a lot less stupid when they’re worn with a tube top.

I guess I don’t hate ALL country music. Classic country is actually quite good – remember when they used to advertise that “Classic Country” box set in a 30-minute infomercial on Channel 5? I almost ordered that a few years ago. Hmmm… when exactly did country start to suck? When did it change from good music into the boot scootin’, shit kickin’ crap that it is today?

Let’s see… country was still cool in the late ’70s when Smokey and the Bandit came out. Jerry Reed’s “East Bound and Down” is one of my favorite songs that The Dempseys perform during their set. You can tell “East Bound and Down” is a great song because local MySpace legend Master Polo currently has it as the background music on his page.

Country was still cool when Kenny Rogers did “The Gambler.” That was 1980 I think.

And country was still cool in 1981 when Dolly Parton did “9 to 5.”

On the other hand, country music had definitely gone down the toilet by the time Billy Ray Cyrus released “Achy Breaky Heart.” What year was that, 1990? You had “Ice Ice Baby” and Milli Vanilli that year as well… man… 1990 was a horrible year for music.

And country had taken a turn for the worse by the time Garth Brooks got big, and that may have actually been a few years before “Achy Breaky Heart”… late 1980s I think.

So sometime between 1982 and 1987, country music began to suck. And it’s never recovered since. It definitely hadn’t recovered by November 2005, when I went home for Thanksgiving and my mother made me sit through that godawful Kenny Chesney concert on TV. Hmmm… maybe I’ll stay in Memphis this year for Thanksgiving. I wonder if David Gest will put out a free meal for all the crackheads again? Maybe I’ll eat with them.

– And that’ll do it for this lunchtime post. Perhaps I’ll see you at the Mpact After Hours at the Lofts tonight, or at the Saucer or Big Foot later in the evening…