Dubya’s popularity is dropping in the polls, and he’s got to be down in the dumps about that. What could cheer him up more than finding a country to bomb? I have some suggestions.
Canada
Visit Canada and you will find a country that is clean, relatively free of crime, and everyone has health care. And when was the last time they were at war with anybody? This country makes us look really bad. We should bomb them for that. However, we should not bomb our neighbor to the south, Mexico, because we need a steady supply of burritos and cheap tequila.
NOT Colombia
Colombia is the world’s leading exporter of cocaine. Bombing Colombia would interrupt the international supply line, which could make it harder for George W. to get his fix. For that reason he will never bomb Colombia.
Besides, I doubt Bush understands that “Colombia” and “District of Columbia” are two different places. And he wouldn’t bomb Washington, D.C.!
Belgium
All you have to do is look at the beer menu at the Flying Saucer and you’ll understand why I have a problem with this country. Belgian beers are the most expensive. Let’s bomb them to kingdom come and install Pabst Blue Ribbon as their new national beer.
France
This has nothing to do with France’s opposition to the Iraq war. It’s just that, on general principles, France sucks. Bomb them.
NOT Austria
Beiing the compassionate conservative that he is, Dubya would never bomb the place that he thinks is home to all those cute kangaroos and koala bears.
NOT Romania
Don’t… you… DARE.
Besides, if the Bush administration ever decides to engage in genetic engineering (most fascist regimes eventually do), they’re going to need some examples of genetic perfection to use as models, and Romania can provide them.
Nigeria
Bush could get a boost in the popularity polls by going to war with Nigeria to end the infamous Nigerian e-mail scam once and for all. Really, though, this would just provide a convenient excuse for him to engage in one of his favorite pastimes, bombing black people.
Egypt
Let’s bomb those ugly Pyramids and replace them with some nice-looking Halliburton corporate office towers.
Turkey
What kind of stupid country calls itself “Turkey” and then doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving as a national holiday? Bomb them.
Iran
Believe it or not, I actually support George Bush’s jihad against Iran. Here’s why: I’ve known several Persian women in my life and they have been some of the hottest women I have ever seen. But over there, thanks to Islamic law, they have to cover up. We should bomb them and introduce one of America’s greatest innovations – the tube top.
Kazakhstan
Just because.
Somewhere in Washington, Dick Cheney and Don Rumsfeld are reading this and saying, “He lists ‘just because’ as a reason to bomb a country? This guy thinks like we do! Let’s get him a Cabinet post!”
Mongolia
Anyone who watches professional wrestling understands why we should bomb Mongolia. In the entire history of professional wrestling there has never been a Mongolian wrestler who was a good guy, or “babyface” to use industry jargon. They’ve all been evil bad guys or “heels.” There was Killer Khan who broke Andre the Giant’s leg. There was The Mongol, managed by Gen. Skandor Akbar, who fought the heroic Von Erich brothers in Texas. There was Archie “The Mongolian Stomper” Gouldie who wrestled right here in Memphis against Jerry Lawler. The U.S. government should team up with Vince McMahon and turn the bombing of Mongolia into a pay-per-view.
India
Now here is a country that makes us look really bad. All you have to do is walk through the science/engineering building of an American university and you will understand why. Who will you find there? Not Americans. Americans are too lazy to major in math, science, or engineering; they prefer to major in subjects where you can bullshit your way to a B on essay questions (history, English, philosophy) or learn absolutely nothing useful at all (business). As a result, any work that requires thought will eventually end up being outsourced to India. In another 30 years they will be the world’s superpower. Not us.
(Somewhere Imran is reading this and applauding)
Myanmar (formerly Burma)
Now here is a country I have a BIG problem with. They used to have a really cool name (Burma) and then changed it to something infinitely less cool (Myanmar). For that alone they deserve to be bombed.
Now, back in the ’60s Burma did provide the United Nations with a Secretary General with a very cool name, U Thant. I bet if U Thant were still alive, Burma wouldn’t have picked a new name that is so completely stupid.
NOT Thailand
Top American executives are on track to make some big money this year, enjoying windfalls from the Bush administration’s corporate-friendly energy and bankruptcy bills. They’re going to need a place to celebrate, and Thailand has the best hookers in the world. There’s no way Bush will bomb his friends’ party spot.
China
But just the capital, for the same reasons as Burma. The capital used to have a cool name (Peking) and renamed itself something less cool (Beijing).
Leave the rest of the country alone, particularly Shanghai. I have known some really hot women from the Shanghai area.
The North Pole
So this guy Santa Claus brings toys to children all over the world, for free? That sounds an awful lot like WELFARE to me. Encourages people to want a handout, expect something for nothing. For this Santa must be bombed.
As an added bonus, the bombs might kill some penguins or some walruses, which would be a good way for the Bush administration to thumb its nose at all those liberal environmentalists.
God. The CIA is probably going to open a file on me for this one. I don’t care though. Viva la Internet! Viva la free speech!